Saturday, October 28, 2006

can you think of any more horrible future...

than one that involves "feminism without boundaries"?

i sure as hell can't.

my roommate's taste in art

(note: my roommate is not, in fact, an injun. at all.)

when the roommate's away, oh, how i will play.

there are many delights to be had when the roommate is away for the weekend. and i mean, many. for awhile i was just so blinking happy to have mornings to my own again (after paul's 2 week thanksgiving vacation was over), i couldn't figure out what i wanted to do first. tune into KEXP's streaming radio, play my own music, and my all time favourite: watch CNN, mope around in the kitchen in underwear and read the paper standing up, while coffee brews... so many options i popped a fuse and it took a few mornings to settle into a leisurely pace again.

really, you don't know how crabby it made me, having to watch CityTV's breakfast television, news show.

but, with paul gone not only for the space of my delicious morning, but the whole weekend- well, i am:

a) hungover; b) curled up on the sofa; c) happily nursing a pot of coffee; d) watching delightful bits of cinema on TCM; e) trying to forget how horribly i flail at parties where the bulk of people attending have nothing in common with me.

so, without further adieu:

favourite quotes from The Day the Earth Stood Still

. they've been at it for hours but his strange, huge body is impregnable

. he made me feel like a third class witch doctor

. i am impatient with stupidity. my people have learned to live without it

. people, my foot! they're democrats.

. there's nothing strange about washington, mr carpenter!

. if you ask me he's not an alien- he came from earth. and you know what i mean.

. (at lincoln memorial) now that's the kind of man i'd like to talk to! [ you & me both, mr. alien. you & me both. i like my presidents great. as in BIG. quantity over quality.]

. i like you, mr carpenter. you're a real screwball.

in general, i think it's also "a real gas" the way he communicates with the robot man by flashing a light in his face. most obnoxious method of communication, ever.

last night rhianna made some passing comment about how much more awesome it would be if she were my roommate in place of paul. it's true. i am in urgent need of awesome roommate.

Friday, October 27, 2006

chinchillas are the new persian kittens.

. like a shower of chinchillas
. like a hot tub of chinchillas
. like white on white chinchillas

what would jesus say? (during his first attempt at writing/illustrating a graphic novel)

"all i can draw are women."

"i keep changing my mind: who should be the 'betty' and who should be the 'veronica'?"

"i can't draw 'angry eyebrows'."

"when it comes to boobs... how big is too big?"

"man, i always run out of room in the speech bubbles."

"i hate perspective."

"i can't stop drawing gabriel like superman."

"what is a good synonym for 'POW'?"

"is there like a thesaurus for onomatopoeias?"

"ah ha! i can write the thought first and then draw the bubble around it!"

"What Would Harvy Pekar Do?"

Tuesday, October 24, 2006




bob: Clearly you are out of control.


a note & a niggle


i am shovering all my lit-related rants into a blog all its own.

i read pretty


i dislike the finger wagging and low-road impressions that fall on the shoulders of people who cannot let things be until they are, well, right.

an obsessive compulsive even gets mild respect (mostly from CSI junkies, rhianna and i) for keeping their tins in a line, their towels clean and folded the way only those towels should. order calms the chaos that they just can't handle when disorder occurs. well being wrong is a sort of disorderliness- it's someone's mess of misinformation and they've either offhandedly smeared it over the countertops; set it down with a weighty "thud!" on the livingroom floor (knocked over a few lamps in the process); or wildly swung it around like, well, monkeys. evil, messy monkeys of misinformation.

being incorrect shows up as a blinking red light on the grid of my perceived universe. when people are stupid, that red light just keeps blinking and blinking. sometimes it's urgent i clean everything up-- however urgent, or eventual, it's still a mess until i clean it up, best that i can. it's nothing along the lines of petty insults or last jabs- frankly, i don't even remember half the people behind these spurts of anal retentive clarification.

...i just want things right. i would like them to be. so, let us stop sneering at people who linger on these finer points. it is just people being good hosts & hostesses.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

donde estas the windex?

i have been meaning to write something about this, do a little digging & pasting together of bits to prove that i...? i am right. if you think it is petty to be right, or prove you are right... well, you are wrong. you are wrong, so hard.

i will not go into details (which are petty), but i had the ninny-finger pointed at me for questioning one such australian's use of the word "glasshouse" in the proverb we all know & love as the "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" proverb. now, "glasshouse", in this case? donde estas the sense, people?

let us, you and i, consult the dictionary:
oh, dictionary, reveal to us the many meanings of "glasshouse"

Main Entry: glass·house
Pronunciation: 'glas-"haus
Function: noun
1 : a place where glass is made
2 chiefly British : GREENHOUSE
3 British : a military prison

thank you, dictionary! you are a lovely & informative soul. we love having you.

so let us, you and i, consider.
1. the proverb says "people wholive in glass houses....". one does not live in a factory.
2. i doubt the proverb warns against throwing stones in a building full of plants.
3. i doubt the proverb warns against throwing stones in a military prison. (also inadvisible, though.)

this is rational, but just for an extra punch of "oh baby i am SO right":

origin of the proverb PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES - "Those who are vulnerable should not attack others. The proverb has been traced back to Geoffrey Chaucer's 'Troilus and Criseyde' (1385). George Herbert wrote in 1651: 'Whose house is of glass, must not throw stones at another.' This saying is first cited in the United States in 'William & Mary College Quarterly' (1710). Twenty-six later Benjamin Franklin wrote, 'Don't throw stones at your neighbors', if your own windows are glass.' 'To live in a glass house' is used as a figure of speech referring to vulnerability." From "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" (1996) by Gregory Y. Titelman (Random House, New York, 1996).

lesson for the day: botany & proverbs do not mix.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

now is the winter of... discontent with roommates who watch CityTV, even when i am in the middle of watching big girl CNN.

...our particular discontent with roommate who wears short shorts. who likes short shorts? not us.

...our curiosity pertaining to the word "woos-cow"(sp?)

...our delight with poets who say things like: "and now rub your hands all over my .... person"

...our disapproval of spelling it "sarsaparilla"... what the hell.

...our enthusiasm for spanking the truth.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

blog etiquette. survey says? ha.

say, did you or one of your minions leave a hate-comment on my blog? i originally blamed rhianna for bad press, but even your mild confusion with posessive/plural nouns and the occasional merging of words ("glasshouse"? oh no) doesn't match up to the mind-blowingly incoherent one i received...

i doubted it was you, but i thought maybe someone you knew did? i can't for the life of me suss out who it really & truly was. i haven't even left the little, racial note in passing for months. it seems like an awfully big coincidence..."

to which, a comment appeared:


Whoever you are, do not start sending me comments accusing my “minions” of hate mail. Believe me, my friends have more interesting things to do than leave comments on your blog. Are you telling me you have never received an offensive or at least slightly inexplicable anonymous comment before? Don’t go blaming me every time someone’s comment offends you like that – unless of course it makes you feel better. Personally, I’ve never visited your blog prior to this comment, and don’t really plan to again.

In case you hadn't realised, we are a peace (and plant) loving kind of people who just happen to not really appreciate bad blog etiquette… we really couldn’t care about anything else that either of you post about aside from that.

If I were you, I would treat this whole situation as a learning experience and just calm the fuck down. Don’t try and start a war of words with us – we have access to large range of carnivorous plants, and have Candadian contacts that know how to use them.

Also, FYI, a glasshouse is a glass storage facility that botanists use to put plants in. I thought everyone knew that?

well, drat. i think that meant "no, i don't believe so" in australian: the bitey-est of languages. another hunch shot down. and how!

oh well.

what i've learned today:
1. some people believe there is such a thing as "blog etiquette".
2. people are insulted if you don't think highly of the friends of theirs you've never met.
3. botanists are added to my category of "scientific professions that muss with words"

puree, por favor

you would assume that every jar of jelly claiming to have delicious, whole strawberries would be somehow better than the anonymous, pink mass crammed into lesser jars (cheaper jars). well, what the crap do i want sugar-saturated strawberries in jelly for? i do not enjoy biting into them, the way i enjoy biting into strawberries. i want it spreadable and hunks of strawberries are not spreadable. they just weigh down my toast and make little, unattractive craters. i squint to bite into those unfortunate sections. too much strawberry...

the mass is also tricky. it is terrible to get a spoonfull of jelly, plop it on the supple, ready toast, and begin to are mid-spreading routine, when you realize there is barely enough jelly to cover a third of the toast, and one or two huge hunks of strawberry that would otherwise easily satisfy the surface of your toast were it pureed. not only do you have to get more jelly, you have to endure the dreaded "too much strawberry" bites as previously mentioned.

it just bothers me, that's all... be reasonable, people.

fun & rather explicit things to add to sentences (oh boy)

1. so hard!
(refers of course to the rougher, latino-style of intercourse)

examples as follow:

. sure, i will design you a logo. i will design you a logo - so hard!
. today is wednesday. today is wednesday- so hard!
. i love persian kittens! i love persian kittens- so hard!

[note: it is not always necessary to impersonate a latino accent or a thrusting motion with your hips. but it does help, especially if you cannot pull of deadpan.]

2. gang-bang
(refers to a state of being overwhelmed by something in vast numbers. can either be paired with 'with' or 'by')
examples as follow:

. i went to science world yesterday. i was totally gang-banged!--with knowledge!
. i went to science world yesterday. it was a total gang-bang!--of knowledge!

. today i am totally gang-banged!--by wednesday!
. today is a total gang-bang.-- of wednesday!

. what could be in the fridge? i am totally being gang-banged-- with curiosity!

. that song is great! it's like being gang-banged by persian kittens in the ears!

Maximum Impact Fund With Special Gifts!

sounds pretty awesome, yes? like the best kind of greasy, chinese dinner special? well, it's not. not only is it not a take-out option, these gifts are also not for you. they are for those people with flies "all up in their grill". i hope you're not too upset. if it helps, the "maximum impact fund with special gifts" only include a bracelet and a little, pink anime-styled pig.
so, i found this fun-filled catologue at rhianna's house, thanksgiving night. we were having a splendid time putting together the best presents ever.

for example:

. 3 pigs. and a wolf!
. backpacks (from their send a child to school plan). filled with beehives.
. 3 backpacks, and if the child picks the one that isn't full of bees– he gets to go to school!
. a goat and a duck (insist they are married and not to be separated, ever)
. eye surgery.... and bees.
. drums. i bet nothing pisses them off more than getting a bunch of drums. don't people realize that drums come from africa? that's like the one thing they can do for themselves. maybe if the drums were full-up with bees.

go ahead...finish this sentence!
"You'll save an African farmer the backbreaking labor of hoeing huge..."

oh man...anyhow.

here are some of my favourite quotes:

. A Trio of Dairy Animals - ($680)
Give a goat, a cow, and a sheep — the "big three"! ( i will forever refer to livestock as "the big #!" )

. The early-morning bleating of a dairy goat is a happy sound for children in countries like Haiti and Kenya. They know it’s ready to be milked!

. The next best thing to seeing a child milk, shear, or care for one of these animals is to share the joy of this gift with someone close to your heart. (you're right. there's nothing better than seeing child labor in action.)

. When our drilling teams strike water, entire villages erupt in celebration.

. Send a parade of animals to families in need and we'll send a parade of 12 cards — one each month — for your friend or loved one. (the funny thing is, neither one is actually a parade. even a little.)

(more animals) aphorisms:

. Sheep are known to "go astray," but they are always worth finding!

. A pig is fat with promise and opportunity

. The strength and stamina of a donkey can lighten the burden of poor

this christmas, i encourage you all: give the gift of suspense! (and by "suspense" i mean "bees").

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

elements that probably get beaten up by other elements


and finally:


cross my palm with...

. awesome
. silver (classic but still desireable)
. boron
. uranium
. erudite friends
. seasons of grey's anatomy
. " home movies
. perry mason's delicious cohort
. delicious mangos
. cookies
. phosphate ester
. cranberries
. persian kittens
. sufjan stevens

Sunday, October 08, 2006

"flirting tips": for which there aren't enough quotation marks in the galaxy


flirting tips: always gets their attention. Ask them if you can tell them a secret...Then whisper in their ear: 'I just love your tie...can I buy it from you when you are done with it?'

Become More Irresistible! Show a little leg....wear higher heels...the redder the lipstick the more available and noticeable you will be. Arch your back a little as you sit up tall and cross your legs high. Wear earrings that are interesting enough to make someone comment on them.

Cover your lips with tape and get your love's attention. When they come near, make noises like you're trying to tell them something and motion as if you can't get the tape off.

IF he acts like a JERK! Be polite but firm. Hand him a copy of the men's version of 'Flirting with Greatness' and ask him to go practice on someone else. Firmly say that 'lines' with sexual overtones are not only not attractive to you but to most other women in the world.

kiss meanings:
Kiss on the hand - I adore you.

Kiss on the cheek - I just want to be friends.

Kiss on the chin - You are cute!

Kiss on the neck - I want you.

Kiss on the lips - I love you.

Kiss on the ears - Let's have some fun.

Kiss anywhere else - You're the best.

[according to this list, a kiss on the anus = "you're the best!". just keep that in mind.]

riveting date ideas:
what appears to be for seniors-
. build models
. watch planes take off
. look at Christmas lights
. play kick the can

what appears to be for toddlers-
. Go to an air show
. trampoline (yes, folks. a date in one word)
. build ice cream sundaes
. color in coloring books
. thumb wrestle
. puddle jump in the rain
. play broomball
. play kick the can
. pillow fight

. go to a wedding together
. look for 4-leaf clovers
. go to the duty-free store for cheaper liquor.
. take her to see the movie Titanic fifteen times. (we are all hoping they don't mean consecutively)
. go through revolving doors with your lover.
. read tabloids & laugh together
. go hear jazz or reggae

things i actually would want to do-
. carve a jack-o-lantern
. visit a city that is the name of a state

a better date idea for all of us-
. visit each other's grandparents

here are are 38 words that may assist you with forming the content of your love letter:
Alluring, Kisses, Embracing, Voyage, Blossoms, Stars, Angel, Lover, Elation, Sensuality, Heart, Giving, Darling, Rose, Absence, Seeing, Tasting, Touching, Holding, Caressing, Memories, Content, Lascivious, Beautiful, Gorgeous Vision, Privileged, Adoring, Velvet, Rainbow, Happy, Passion, Innocent, Dreaming, Delirious, Temptation, Complete, Desire.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

reasons why pilgrims would never, ever land on canadian soil

canadians hold & celebrate the oddest of odd delusions: the delusion that they deserve to have thanksgiving. do they think the mayflower came to canada? dude, even the pinta wouldn't be up in canada's hizzy. canadians do not realize how unappealing canada is. landscapes? we have landscapes in the USofA...and they are blessed by our lord & savior. do you think god just whisks his blessings to and fro? no. he gave his blessing to the US and you canadians will have to settle for some lesser god. alex, what's the name of that inuit one? you people may have that. turn that into some kind of holiday.


some reasons pilgrims would never land on canadian soil:
1. it is cold
2. there are no rats in alberta (#1 alternative to corn)
3. donde estas the persian kittens?
4. shania twain & celine dion (i know it, you know it... we all know it. we are all tired of knowing it.)
5. why visit plymouth rock jr. when you can visit plymouth rock?
6. there are no cats in america and the streets are made of chee-eese. (unlike canada.)
7. having to memorize and understand canadianisms like "toques", "loonies" and "toonies". that is not culture, folks. it is sad.and honestly they make me feel weird. they sound silly. just silly.
8. there is nothing pilgrims care about less than landscapes
9. there is nothing pilgrims care about less than landscapes, and also The Who.
10. pilgrims feel bad for the baby seals. i can just tell.
11. pilgrims are not amused by pretentious french street signs. (they only read/speak the language of god-given harship & awesomeness)
12. pilgrims beat up sarah harmer lesbians.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

chicken & stars & mamories

oh, i would buy those.

why? because i totally love breast cancer. i'd support breast cancer any day. and breast cancer and soup? come on. match made in heaven. really. jesus is up there right now, as we speak, marrying breast lumps to delicious cream of mushroom.

ode to pandas by me

pandas pandas pandas
i made them out of clay
pandas pandas pandas
with pandas i will play

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

minute spots of things.

today, perry mason is harrassing a witness who claimed his wife handed him a letter and left.

and perry says, "is that what she did REALLY?"
witness, "yes! what else would she do?"
perry, "well she might have laughed at you!"
witness, "laugh? she doesn't laugh."

...she doesn't laugh. hee.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

two signs posted together (on a building) but are not together at all.


(but oh, i wish)

my immediate experience? persian kittens.

i am enjoying using the delightful, soft and purry beast that is the persian kitten to illustrate my contemporary pleasures and joys.


. like rubbing my cheek on a persian kitten
. like rubbing my face in persian kittens
. like rolling in persians kittens
. like having eight hands and a persian kitten in each
. like having persian kittens for clothes
. like having a mattress, duvet, and fitted & flat sheets of persian kittens
. like wiping my ass with persian kittens (applies to opulence)
. like cleaning my ears with persian kitten paws (applies to music/sound/lovely voices)
. like a heaping bowl of persian kittens
. like my cup runneth over. with persian kittens
. like being gang-banged... by persian kittens.
. like being married to a persian kitten