Friday, September 28, 2007

games i am holding out for:

banjo hero
glockenspiel hero
harpsichord hero
flute hero
marimba hero
ocarina hero
washboard hero
spoons hero
cello hero
found object rhythm hero

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

a menu of unmentionables.

(context: after i was accused of being old)

Me: dear robert.
please eat a bag of dicks.
sincerely, me.
Robert: HEY
Me: a bag. full. of dicks. :`)
Robert: You like to eat dickcereal. dicks in milk
Me: you like to eat dicks on toast.
Robert: you like to eat dicks on a stick
(like pogos)
(with mustard ... lots of mustard)
Me: you like to eat fresh-from-the-garden dicks
with hidden valley dressing.
Robert: ugh, you like to eat...pickled dicks
Me: you like to eat colonel's special recipe dicks.
with 14 secret spices.
Robert: Yeah? Well you like to eat dick tacos, with extra special sour cream (hint: it's not really sour cream).
Me: oh snap
Robert:(but it's still white and gooey)
Me:you like to eat tim horton's muffin-full-of-dicks.
with a big steaming cup of tim horton's dicks.
Robert: You like to eat deep fried dick, with dickjuice dipping sauce, and dick pop (biggy sized)
Me: you like greasy breaded dick with a side of curly dicks and a Big Gulp of dicks from the gas station next door..
Robert: You like chinchilla dick.
Me: !
Robert: A delicacy among dick dishes
(with dick sauce, of course)
Me: you like dick purple stuff. you don't even hold out for the Sunny Dick.
Robert: You like dick fingers, with creamy dick dipping sauce, and then you like to like your fingers afterwards, savouring the dick flavour.
Me: you like to sit out on your dick porch an drink a cool glass of dick-ade and reminisce about all the times you ate dick.
Robert: You like dicks-in-a-can, discount style. With dick-sauce-in-a-can. Pump-style... pump it, and the cream comes out (and you eat it, which you love to do).

Monday, September 24, 2007

the best things in life are close to sea level.

ah, the mountains. cleavage of the earth. like the over-amplified bosom of some aging starlet, a wedding in banff has left me wondering how anyone could find those gigantic mounds of landscape (gigantic COLD landscapes) attractive. freakishly large, yes. but beautiful?

maybe the people of the plains are just excited about any landscape that isn't the same for about 50miles? though it's not even necessarily more interesting land. it's just...higher up land. colder land. land full of bears. and more tourists than either the mountains or bears know what to do with.

oh, the tourists. unlike cities, where you have a percentage of tourists and a percentage of locals, you just look at the mountains and know anyone you could possibly run into up there, will inevitably be a tourist. i assume it's too cold for squatting hippies and criminals.

anyhow. to celebrate my appreciation of the short, i bring you an especially cute kitten with unusually stubby legs.

(i know, i posted a youtube video. just click on it already. it's a kitten, for goodness sakes.)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

your needs are white noise to my ears.

i used to be the ideal cat owner. really, i was very attentive and diligent to every pet following the great guinea pig death-sweep of 3rd grade. even when hippo was a tiny kitty, left to me by runaway roommate, i was right on top of things. what has happened that i am such a self-absorbed ignorer of cats these days? sure, i pet him and play with him, but this morning when i was growing increasingly frustrated with hippo (the meowing, the circling of ankles, the constant under-foot-ness) i was just about ready to fling the black bastard out the window when i realized...

"oh. you have no water..."

i would like it if this had been the first and only instance of its kind this week. but it's not.

time to write a "does the kitty need water?" post-it.

Monday, September 17, 2007

pears away.

when we moved into the apartment, one of the most attractive features were the delicate blossoms covering the tree just outside our big livingroom window. it was like a sculptural element of our actual apartment, that added pretty-value. we were very sad to see those blossoms wither up and fall away. and curious when, from the empty boring branches, out sprung little green globules which our landlord kept insisting were "pears".

as with the blossoms, these "pears" have been growing ripe. all at once. and (unlike the flowers which did something lovely like dancing away in the breeze)they have been plopping on our hideous plastic awnings with THUNK! sounds. maybe that doesn't sound bad, because "thunk" is a somewhat comedic word. to be more specific, it is a sound halfway between a gunshot and an angry knock on a door. maybe more toward the gunshot end. now imagine that happening several times within a minute.

hippo (kitty) is staying with us while peter's family is staying with them. he likes sitting on the back of the sofa and making whiney vibrato noises at the squirrels. when a pear hits the awning he falls off the sofa and slinks around with his ears drawn back. unfortunately there is no way to tell a cat, "oh, it's just the pears.

Friday, September 14, 2007

inspiron lover

strangest/dirtiest customer review of a desktop i've found to date:

Nice monitor. Decent performance for the price. This is a good computer for a bedroom.

Everyone in my family wants to be on it.

was this comment helpful? i wouldn't say "helpful" so much as, "revealing". you don't want to swing a black light around their keyboard, i tell you what.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

on taste.

no matter how discerning, people tend to have flaws. i know i have mine: i like to stick things up my nose and i like really immature humour.

but unless people are mind-blowingly dull to begin with, there tends to be a definitive point of conversation where they deviate from everything cool and totally, completely, lose my respect. i swear everyone gets by so far and then they say one of three things.

1) "but harry potter has kids reading again!"

2) "i'm not religious, but i'm spiritual."

3) "i loved life of pi!"

note: some people have attributes that compensate for their respective statement. usually, it's enough to drive me away completely.