Saturday, June 30, 2007

guess who's a working girl? (i don't mean prostitute. )

so i'm going to go ahead and say my first week as a copwriting intern (@ critical mass) was pretty nice–despite the fact i don't actually go through the company's ("critical") orientation program until this coming tuesday. that factor alone has made things interesting. a lot of learning kicked off by sentences such as:

"i have a phone number? ...could you tell me what it is?"

"i have a calendar in there?"

"...which button means 'yes'?"

(sometime weds evening...) "seriously? i'm supposed to be tracking my hours...?"

"...why are we making these people look good?"

it also led to me being chewed out by some overprotective security officers. i went in the front entrance (easier for me). they made me take out my company swipe-card to show them, then go back through the side door. they said it was the only way they would be able to tell if i was in the building. of course i said, "you mean besides my vibrant, actual presence?"... they are none too hot on me. but otherwise i haven't offended anyone.

also involved: learning 17 pages of dell acronyms.
here's a couple dirty ones.

AHT- average handle time
ASA- average speed of answer (hold time)
IFT- intimiated first timers (novice first-timers with high support requirements)
RR- regretful retailers (wish they'd bought a more powerful product)
TD- experts, consummate enthusiasts and advocates (consumer cluster)

a couple sad ones:
EOL- End of Life
AR- Abandonment Rate

acronym i want hanging over my head:
COC- center of competence

funniest things i have heard in my first five days

- the marketing term "gender agnostic" (usage: "that headline isn't gender agnostic enough.")

- "just hang in there, i know it's all unchartered waters." (hee. we don't have tickets for these waters.)

- "do you want a cancer shirt?"

i also, probably, am the single intern in the galaxy not fetching people coffee. is it weird that i would kind of like to be the girl who knows how everyone likes their coffee?

Thursday, June 21, 2007

now who's that pretty lady in the neck brace?

themes for kathleen's bachelorette party:

. handsy-capped:
pass out wheelchairs, eye patches, make casts out of plaster of paris, and surely we know people with some crutches...stripper will show sexy pity on each of us in turn, i am guessing.

. bunny-rabies:
let us just say it involves a stripper swathed in bunny fur, inappropriate growling, and plenty of alka seltzer tablets in the gift bags. you can paint in the remaining details.

. Oh!CD:
make impossibly organized demands on the stripper who will be head-to-toe in shrink wrap. we will of course spray ourselves with disinfectant every time he comes near and act out several sexy, silly compulsive disorders.

qualities i like/seek in a guy:

preferred qualities:
. doesn't really believe in anything. not in the emo "life is empty and meaningless" way. just i feel however much someone believes in something is directly reflective of how much they need to believe in something (anything). i like'em as un-needy as possible.
. someone i can ignore for long bouts of time without complaint or them assuming something is wrong.
. a bookshelf that makes me want to mix my books with theirs and have a glorious library-marriage.
. could punch a girl under the right circumstances.
. doesn't come with a dog.
. appreciates how awesome dinosaurs are

racist jokes
savage love column
being poked
walking long distances
traveling to places that cross the line of what is unsanitary

theme t-shirts
the arcade fire
harry potter
ordering chicken
talking about feelings
holding hands everywhere (unless they are very tall and it provides some necessary towing service)

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

links & ads google feels are relevant to my interests

from the siebar of my gmail account this morning:

"books written by black authors"
"hasselhoff t-shirts"
"up to 50% off Delta Queen (great rates on mississippi cruises)"
"books on breema"
"luxury honeymoon rentals next to hawaii volcanoes"
"dog proof trash cans"
"volcano lessons"

Saturday, June 09, 2007

happy families devour unhappy babies: and other emotional headlines

using the headline evaluator at advanced marketing institute's website (here) i mucked around with some phrases, words, etc, to try and see how appealing they were. their generator determines the EMV (Emotional Marketing Value) of your healine, based on the words and maybe some secret stuff they don't mention.

now, i think there's a few flaws. first of all, there's no way it measures word combinations and some words are more evocative when placed in relation to other words, than they would be all by their lonesome. also, it fails to recognize the measure of significance placed upon a single word. i think any headline that is one word (unless it is a gay word like "inveigle") has a little boost of significance.


0% = NEUTRAL: "Your headline either has no words that invoke emotional impact with people person, or the percentage of such words is so low as to be unlikely to make any emotional impact."

emotional families devour unhappy babies = 100%
people who are emotionally attached to their deceased pet chinchillas pray the hardest = 53%
prince of tides was worse than the raping = 12.50%

book titles:
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius = 33.33%
lullaby = 0%
to the wedding = 33.33%
and our faces my heart brief as photos = 37.50%
one hundred years of solitude = 40%
you shall know our velocity = 80%
lolita = 100%
love in the time of cholera = 16.67
the magus = 0%
another bullshit night in suck city = 16.67%
infinite jest = 0%
fight club = 0%
girl with curious hair = 25%
extremely loud and incredibly close = 40%
everything is illuminated = 66.67%
hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy = 33%

immature others:
poop = 100%
poopy = 0%
boobs = 100%
butt = 0%
i am picking my nose = 0%
i am picking your nose = 0%
stick it up your nose = 0%
slutty = 0%
not what a blowhole is for = 16.67%
yo mama = 50%
skank-ass ho = 0%
asshat = 0%
pee = 100%
dirty sanchez = 50%
the dirty sanchez = 33%
purple nurple = 0%
nipples = 0%
chest lumps = 0%
lovely lady lumps 66.67%
pee pee = 100%
i mean we would never pee on it = 50%
butt-pie = 0%
glen wirtle's shuttlecock = 0%
that's what she said = 20%
have you ever seen deliverance? = 40%
breasts = 0%
butts butts butts = 0%
emotional marketing is gay = 50%
gay = 0%
homo-erotic = 0%
i like my sex joyless and without sensation. it's my way of punishing the supermodels = 14.29%
the pope's cousin count pope-ula, a magical monster with pencils for arms = 16.67%
asian girls are embarrassed about their nipples = 14.29%

let's do mean things to black people because they are black = 54.55%
let's pretend everyone who is hispanic loves burritos = 50%
savages are exciting = 33.33%
baby savages are excitinger = 50%

Friday, June 08, 2007

additional summer activities that i can get behind

whether you're harpooning whales, going after sharks with knives, or clubbing dolphins for a bit of tuna: you're bound to enjoy yourself. it's one of the ballsier water sports. hunting is awesome. the ocean is awesome. and dolphins are gay. all in all, it's an equation for summer excellence.

reclaim wildlife from dorks
break some rules with animals, here. days of being content with petting zoos and tapping on glass tanks in pet stores are over. the sun has set on that era in my life, and i'm ready to push some boundaries. i advise sneaking food into the zoo and feeding some cute animals. people who work at the zoo are all khaki-clad dorks and dorks will naturally feed them dorky animal food–as is their dorky wont. by tossing some marmosets chocolate covered peanuts, in a way, you're saving them...from dork food. why should the dorks be the only ones allowed to engage with nature? outside the zoo you can do whatever you want to big-horned sheep, afterall. friends, those walls are not keeping the animals in–they are keeping us out (unless you're in jurassic park. then the walls are actually keeping the animals in).

also, you can go to the park and play with other people's dogs or go out in your alley and make friends with all the kitties (i advise sticking to the non-rabid ones). if you already have a dog, maybe let it loose during 'yoga in the park' mornings.

newspaper magic
for about a dollar, you can get an insane amount of newspaper. roughly around 12' x 21', or 252 square feet in the average paper.(how much is inside newspaper?) you can either break out some duct tape, some water and flour, elmers glue or snatch up some twigs... all of a sudden you've potential to make crass paper mache sculptures, forts, or instant shade from the sun. after getting drunk and sunburned in the park this summer, i really appreciate the ability to construct your own sanctuary from the sun. keep in mind, though, sun is still good for you and prevents cancer (according to the globe & mail an nytimes, vitamin D can reduce the risk of cancer up to 60%)

burning man
no, i'm totally kidding. don't go to burning man.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

summer guide 2007

(not necessarily together.)

. watching bob ross's joy of painting online
if you don't feel like investing in a whole dvd of bob ross, you can employ youtube, dailymotion, or a number of other sites exploiting television shows online. want a handout? winter raging sea)

. make popsicles
you can purchase popsicle molds for about 2 bucks, anywhere. i got mine from IKEA.)

. ice cream
instead of hitting up a vendor or ice cream shop, maybe try going to some vietnamese place. chances are you'll get fried bananas with it, and that's pretty awesome.

. renting
rhianna and i've been enjoying the highlights of season 3 and 4 of the X-files. i can't recommend them enough. right amount of cheesy/creepy.

. get your "b-ball on"

now, i know what you're thinking: "but kaylen, i hate sports!" or, "i hate basketball!" or, "i hate sweating." or, "just thinking about basketball awakens the latent desire to skip mandatory pep rallies, even though i've been out of highschool for nearly a decade." i know your worries, but trust me: it can be fun. and the more you aren't a basketball player, the more fun it is. grab a basketball from a small child, or just invest twenty bucks (cheaper than two movie tickets) at a local sports shop. go to and pick up some good b-ball slang. plunder the court by yourself, or play with other friends. extra points for awesome sweat bands.

. climb trees
one, it's undeniably fun; two, it'll give you a new, high-up perspective; three, you'll be a well oiled machine if anyone loses their kitty up a tree.

. recline on the hood of a car
you can: read a book; tan; or just enjoy the clouds and eat some cheap ice-pops.

. recycle
take all those fire-pit beer cans etc and give them back to jesus.

. fire hydrants
you've seen people playing in improv sprinklers made from fire hydrants in everything from music videos to photographs. no one should live a whole lifetime without having busted one of those bad boys and released the joy.

yellow peppers
those pear/apple fruits
astronauts (it even has 'butt' in the name)
NASA in general
chicken salad
the word, "inveigle"

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

hungry like which wolf?

. the one that feels mildly peckish
. the little one in the back that only gets to gnaw on the leftovers now and then is in fact, starving.
. the one that just ate and couldn't possibly
. the wolf that could eat if you're hungry
. the wolf that has spoiled its appetite on complimentary bread and butter
. the wolf that isn't feeling hungry now, but is sure once it starts eating its appetite will come back
. the wolf with a case of "the munchies"
. the pregnant wolf
. the wolf that only eats kosher
. the wolf with an eating disorder
. the diabetic wolf
. the wolf whose appetite was ruined by inappropriate table conversation

if you can do anything half this cool, i will give you my hand in marriage.

random word + "poem" search results

poem + chinchilla:

Tiny paws reach for me in my dreams
as you did in life
taking my heart in your small fingers
in the brief time allotted to you.

I feel your whiskers on my cheek,
hear your diminutive chirrup in my ear
near the shoulder that
you loved to snuggle on.

I reach to touch the ethereal,
velvety softness that was you
but grasp only heartache
and hard reality.

I am disconcerted that something
so little and fragile
should leave such a large hole
and such a powerful ache.

I find myself weeping for
joy never to be shared,
baby kisses lost to the wind and
the missing piece of my heart.

These you take with you
along with my love.

What might have been....
difficult words oft spoken
in fading whispers
with a sigh.

poem + broccoli:

Gregory K.

Broccoli and cauliflower
Are vegetables cruciferous,
But any way you serve them up,
They'll make me stay carnivorous.

(excerpt from) Broccoli Stalk Eater

There are things that I want to thank you for
But I fear that verbal communication has broken down.
I’ll write it on a piece of paper––”Thank you for eating the broccoli stalks
Because you know that I only like the flowers”––that’s lying around.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

attending a last minute theme party with rhianna

. dressing up in a whore/pirate costume while already intoxicated
. immediately kind of regretting it around hoodlums, rough neighbourhoods and the liquor store parking lot.
. pretending to enjoy stories told by raging theatre/actor geeks
. finding conversation with a newly-ordained minister
. rhianna and i fantasizing about dropping our wine glasses over the 28th floor balcony
. actually dropping: broccoli, almonds, a poker chip, ruffles potato chips from a bag specifically taken from the host's kitchen for such a purpose.
. convincing other people they really do want to drop chips on things too
. exploring rooms and closets for people who're making out
. getting kicked out of one of the rooms by a concerned (nosy) citizen
. pointing out flaws in costumes (guy wearing what appeared to be a "pirate skirt" fashioned out of black cloth with white stick-figure kid riding a bicycle print)
. me, getting pulled around by my bra like it was the reins on a spring filly
. me, getting squished against the wall by the "pony trainer". not in a sexy way, either. least not to me it wasn't.
. avoiding falling into an actual pool of water consuming half of the livingroom
. walking to the car amidst crushed potato chips
. waking up not remembering why people said i was awesome: just that they did. thanks for that, strangers.
. waking up remembering why i really shouldn't a) drink mystery pirate "grog" in a purple fountain b) pad such a drink with additional vodka (a lot of vodka)