Friday, February 22, 2008

new trends in humour by me.

quoth the raven
example: "quoth the raven: blow me", "quoth the raven: shut up", "quoth the raven: told you so".

example: "ten dollars cash money!", "what? you must be high off of drugs you took to get high", "blow me in the penis"

split words into odd but defining pairings
example: instead of saying "kittens", say "baby cats".

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


subject lines for penile enhancement emails that will fool any filter:

your flying saucer will delight the harshest of alien critics.

corn on the cob that'll win first place at her county fair.

send your petite stranger on his way.

they'll never doubt your commitment to "sparkle motion".

your new testament provides a rigid interpretation of the bible.

like a tree, planted by the water - your equal rights protester will not be moved.

no one will ask your rosa parks to sit in the back of the bus.

a big dose of chemotherapy for your love cancer.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

you just sit in it, right?

question: how do i know i'm working in a company so presentation-happy that they will indulge a presentation on just about anything?
answer: i was invited to a presentation called "how to use your chair".

question: am i going to this?
answer: you bet i am.

i even prepared the following list of essential chair questions:

"okay...where does the butt go?"

"how is it supposed to feel? use metaphors please."

"what are the long-term spiritual repercussions? for my butt that is."

"in your professional opinion should my bottom feel a) cradled, b) cupped, c) embraced, d) snuggled or e) supported but that's all?"

"what is the black-market value of each chair? just curious. also how many can i fit into a standard U-Haul? in theory."

"will my chair get upset if i sometimes sit in other chairs?"

"are you hired solely to give chair presentations? do you have any openings."

a list of presentations one can probably expect down the road:
why you put things on top of your desk (not under)

how floors work

opened windows and closed windows - understanding the difference

the standard office lightswitch and you

how to operate a toilet with automatic-flush

how plates work

culinary interest: 4-part series on poptarts (pamphlets and powerpoint decks available for download)

your phone rings! find out what to do next.

you have a sandwich! find out what to do next.

unraveling the mystery behind buttons, zippers and buckles.

how to read your digital clock.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

if i were a whale, you just know i would too.

as you're probably mostly aware, there have been several accounts of undersea internet cables being cut. five of them from egypt to malaysia.

there are the usual suspicious sources and none of them are pretty:

. krakens awake in a united desire for mango juice or egyptian "lemoon"
. the united states government is up to no good
. the israeli government is up to no good
. underwater lumberjacks' judgment is impaired by pollution
. the internet cables killed themselves while struggling to disentangle from plastic bags
. whales are very spiritual animals. obviously they hate facebook
. divers who didn't study, mistake the signal for "out of air" (<--seriously, go see! that dude is trying to be david hasselhoff so hard.)
. what has two thumbs and also might have cut the internet cables?

this guy.

(*img borrowed from apparently ships can drag anchors from egypt to malaysia)