Wednesday, February 28, 2007

after very little thought at all... you know what's gay?


sure, most photos are of questionable sexual orientation in and of themselves (we will leave precious pony photos out of this, for the time being), but give a quick little think into who wants photographs. who doesn want photos? no one but homosexuals, that's who.

there are three other ways in which people come to desire photographs.

1. they are parents blinded by how adorable they suppose their kids are. they (like my father) buy SLR cameras in order to pursue amateur photography/cover things in unwanted children. usually children being messy. when children grow up, vacation scenes extend to include more landscapes...some flower shots, and then it ends.

2. young globetrotters who believe they've had a moving experience in asiat–take black & white photos of temples, poverty, or people with wrinkles. soetimes children with flies on their face. mountain or two. these will be hung around their apartments forever. usually on accent walls.

3. young people who are not globetrotters but believe they are moved by people with wrinkles/temple photos.

everyone else who craves the purchasing and ownership of framed photographs, without exception, are raging homosessuals.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

a quiz about what happened to me saturday night

was i leg-raped by:

a) sally

b) a bulldog

c) a lady

d) all the above

(answer: d)

a quiz about rap music

(based on the CNN special documentary "rap: art or poison?")

a) art
b) poison
c) poisson
d) "porn for beginners"
e) dating... for beginners
f) using women as coasters... for beginners

things i think in response to hearing "how many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man"

"is that a euphemism?"
"doesn't matter as long as the roads are named after US presidents." (the good ones, i mean)
"men don't walk. men have hummers."
"half the roads, if he's riding a bison."

they will never, ever call him a man if he:
wears shoe-skates
starts crying
has feelings
sings folk songs

Saturday, February 17, 2007

if i ever thought to myself, "all i need to be happy is a giraffe baby magnet"

...well, let's just say that all my dreams would have come true.

never underestimate the small joys that come with having a year-pass/membership to the local zoo.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I Will Solve Your Relationship Problems. But First Let Me Describe My Eyes. My Eyes are Blue & Resplendant. Now I Will Solve Your Problems.

Subtitle: Variation on a popular theme.

Q: What is the secret reason women are attracted to Jerks and Players?

A: Muscles, guts and facial hair. Being one who is glad to tolerate a vicious pineapple burn any day of the week, my answer is purely physical–Jerks and Players can beat people up and look cool doing it. Guys, imagine you are walking down the street and you're a soft dude writing poems and ka-blamo...Snidely Whiplash with a ripped torso. Not only do we think "tie me to the train-tracks and call me yours, baby"...ladies (if they're like me) are probably thinking of all the ways he could best you in a round of street fighting. It's just embarrassing to be seen with you from that point on. As for facial hair, well, that speaks for itself. Why only players and evil men grow interesting facial hair? No more could i ask the pinot grape, its dellicate conditions...

Q: How can I tell if he is "just not into me"?

A: Maybe start with the pancreas. If you've hit duadenum-territory and he's nowhere to be found, you're probably out of luck, dude. Should you be sad? Probably. I'd like to say there's a guy out there for everyone, but honestly ladies: there's only so many to go around. If you want a man immersed in your guts, I'm not gonna lie to you–you're gonna have to start scratching out some eyes.

Q: How can I tell at what point he is really truly committed?

A: He will probably want to pee on you.

Q: Should I read sex advice columns in magazines entitled "How to be Unforgettable in Bed" or "10 Ways to Raise his Pulse In A Way That is Sexy and Does Not Require Medical Attention"?

A: Yes, yes and yes again. Why? Do you really want to risk going through a relationship where your man is just dying to have you stimulate his extremely erogenous eyelids? Most things in life you can wing with gut instinct. But if you've read one of these articles, you know there's no way anyone would guess he wants you to tease his nipples with a mouthful of dangling spaghetti, or taunt him with your hamstrings. You couldn't guess all the things your man wants, if you tried. Also, if you do, I will be all that much more savvy by comparison.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

pee for two

well, folks, it's almost V-day. i hope you have someone special–some gal or guy who will blow your mind, share their ice cream and...well, pee on you. see, i am a liberal blog keeper lately. and you have a good day between now and the time you should be...well, y'know. having dinner. watching movies. holding hands. or peeing on each other. for no reason i can think of, i am tremendously amused by 'peeing' today. have you noticed? oh, you're gonna!

okay, to clarify? it's not like i sit there in the washroom giggling. don't be gross. i just like talking about peeing, and accusing people of peeing on things. and saying 'pee'. seriously, i can't stop saying 'pee', people.

ha ha... people.

peter: it is raining on my socks...
me: from little house-clouds?
or are you peeing.
peter: no, neither. they are being punished.
they have to stay out in the rain.
me: iiii...
think you are peeing on them.
peter: *eek!*
me: peeing peeing
peter: that is the basest calumny
me: marking the territory of your little, own socks.
i blame roommates :`) they induce that kind of foot weather.
...and peeing.
peeing and peeing and peeing.
peter: roommates are a bad influence.
me: pee sur la pee.

other fun things to say with 'pee':
that's crazy! pee crazy!
crazy as pee!
what the pee?
pee no.
like pee i will.
pee that.

Monday, February 12, 2007

things i am tired of hearing when i'm attempted to nap

1. sound of some virtuous citizen scraping snow off the sidewalk in the way that the whole neighbourhood knows he's doing it.

2. people upstairs chasing their new dog (a magical beast with bowling balls for feet)

3. people upstairs beating their palms against the floor to encourage the dog (same aforementioned beast) to come to them–usually this happens right above my bed.

4. people crunching around in the snow outside like the horrible people-monsters that they are.

Friday, February 02, 2007

this man may not look like much...

but i am marrying him.


a) his name is Dr. Fairlamb
b) his name is Dr. Fairlamb
c) he is brilliant.
d) his name? Dr Fairlamb.

kaylen fairlamb. k. rebecca fairlamb. kay fairlamb.

life is but a dream.