Sunday, December 31, 2006

collaborative private joke list of emo bands

theme: mysterious island
participants: kaylen & rhianna (two peas. one pod. forever & ever amen)

. captain emo
. captain emo and the green velvet smoking jackets.
. captain emo and the bamboo pipeline
. captain emo and the multiple entredres
. captain emo and the giant bees
. captain emo and the uncomfortably short shorts
. captain emo and the not nearly large enough submarine.
. captain emo and the unexpected giant chicken
. captain emo and bad dracula

Thursday, December 28, 2006

06 random list

book: i will put elsewhere.

i don't really have any lists. just brief, unplaceable rants.

rant #1. the decemberists (the crane wife): what's to even say. disappointment like a hippo sitting on my heart or a ketchup packet. i don't have a single song from that album on my i-tunes playlist (which for no real reason hasn't been re-named from the original "pimp boat")... i was so unmoved. it's such a gigantic leap into mediocrity/predictability. every singe song seemed to borrow formula bits from former songs on former, better, albums. no surprises. no elevations. just rotation. endless rotation with decent lyrics. boo, colin meloy. boo.

rant #2. joanna newsome (ys): gimmick gimmick gimmick. the bands that have gimmicks (the voice/application of neutral milk hotel; the oldschool-ness of tim ericksen; oddness of animal collective, of montreal, etc) are bands that i start out loving and they just make bigger and bigger erruptions in my heart/brain every time i listen to them. joanna, i tire of so quickly. she makes music seem like another tour of a castle in scotland. st first it's like "yay! castles! i love castles!" and then it slowly/quickly becomes "oh wow, another castle. how interesting." (deadpan)... just another castle. in scotland. and i want to wander off to a bar somewhere.

rant #3. of montreal (hissing fauna, are you the destroyer?): i am not waiting a year to say how awesome this album is and how much i like them. just...yay. yay for of montreal, who continue to give me joyful soul-erruptions. so hard

survey says "this made me want to jump off a cliff in 2006"
. breastfeeding
. bitches who breastfeed right in front of me
. australians
. people who discovered borat and talked, constantly, about funny things from the movie. and yes: we all know the testicles scene was too far.
. "ancient grains" bread
. local food trend
. information design
. fibre/textile majors
. those ham sandwich wraps they serve in the cafeteria- they smell like B.O. . inexplicably.

honest-to-the-blood-of-the-lamb epiphanies:
. australians and i are incompatible (kathleen's peter excluded)

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

banjo primer

now if you've ever played an instrument or two, they generally teach you to play them in the same sequence. you learn how to sit, how to hold it, tune it, and if you get through all that posture crap, you get to learn the notes, chords, a scale, an arpeggio... on the banjo, you get a couple chords, and then learn how to pick your way through an arpeggio. who doesn't like the word 'arpeggio'? well, folksy people, apparently.

this has popped up in a couple instructional manuals for various instruments... instead of telling you what you're actually learning, they arrange the notes of the scale or arpeggio, and slap some really cutesy name on it, pretending it is a song. is this to keep morale up? because let me tell you: i would prefer, any day, to play an 'arpeggio' over something called 'boil them cabbage down'.

also, the guy on the instructional video is reaaaally unattractive.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

the reasons why my parents' house is a raging death trap

i think this is self explanatory...

the latest edition to my mother's abominable christmas decorations collection–which i started throwing out little by little every year- but there's no keeping up with it, at the rate she shops and receives these things as presents from church members and lame friends– a tree-top angel with fiber-optic wings. it also makes a creepy mechanical chugging sound as it folds/unfolds...

the latch to keep the cupboard shut is broken off

the reprecussions:

oh right. and my little brother has a face full of 'music ed student' decorative hair.


Monday, December 25, 2006

delightful christmas achoos...

hey, happy christmas and happy 201-th post to all you lovely kitties.

i have :
a) a secret banjo. secret because, apparently, my grandmother doesn't think i deserve christmas since i'm in school, and told my parents not to get me anything like that. but they did and i love them.

b) a cold inside my nose.

c) an odd enjoyment of sneezing...

d) partridge curiosity. do partridges fly? do they eat pears?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

god bless rhianna

for helping my every fishery-dream come true this christmas!

she put up with a lot of "you want the blender for WHAT??" looks in order to make all this possible. this =

david foster wallace, merry christmas to you. very merry christmas.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

rough review

December Lullaby
Reviewed by Kaylen

Friday and Saturday night, it was a maelstrom of creativity and dramatic process that was exhibited by the Swallow-a-Bicycle crew and guests. An epic line-up of both precious and invigorating skits and short plays (all revolving around the theme of “lullaby”- all employing the use of a white sheet.) That’s right, precious and invigorating. I am invigorated and precioused.

Despite the fact December Lullaby was held in a creepy little church on 16th Ave–near enough to the Brick that I began worrying about homeless people “defecating everywhere”–my worries were soon squelched by pure, unfiltered, one hundred and ten percent genius. That’s right, the cream don’t get any heavier than that! Play after play, it was a conceptual volcano of delight-magma; erupting with fevered approach to theatric expression and actor-audience connection so thick, it could have been molasses-magma. It also could have been something that tastes better than molasses (better than magma too).

My friend Rhianna who accompanied me to this mind-blowing endeavor? Well, she was rolling in the aisles laughing, crying, and holding both thumbs way, way up for December Lullaby. We both were, really. It is a feel-good gorilla, beating its fun-for-the-whole-family chest with both best-hit-of-the-holidays fists (gorilla thumbs way, way up for December Lullaby!) and screaming for some kind of golden award that I don’t know because I know very little about theatre in general.

We may not completely understand all of the plays (I think Charles was the mommy?), but we were slain by the cunning and erudite company like prancing gazelles among lions. Charles Netto, Mark Hopkins, and Mat and everyone else narny narny nar...were raging jungle cats of meta-theatre success; growling lords of their venue; their cunning jaws dripping with talent and sweet, sweet kitty-breath as they stalked through the deep, dark forests of our amusement. Also dripping with the unexpected outbursts of "bubbles!" and "the catholic!".

In short? In one, short word? Success!

Hands down, the best interpretation of Charles Dickens’s “The Christmas Carol” ever enacted.


i'm available to review your books, concerts, plays, or generally anything (my expertise plays such a small role, really). if you hook me up with tickets and very, very clear directions about how to get there, i will be glad to write a review. make sure it is after january-the-eigth because i will be out of town.

throw in a ticket for rhianna, and i will refer to you as a 'jungle cat' or something great. also i'm twice as likely to find it because she has a car.

leave me a note here, there or anywhere ( ) and we will do delicious business.

Friday, December 15, 2006

chinchilla gray-scale

reflections on kathleen

. why kathleen is weird: wedlock

. why kathleen is weirder: proposed to on a beach in backwards-land (so much romantical sand and unseasonal-for-our-country warmth)

. why kathleen is almost australian: engaged to an australian/proposed to in australia (backwards-land)

. why kathleen is awesome: she is getting married! (excited hands)

. why kathleen is an honest woman: hippo will now no longer be a "li'l bitty bastard", simply a "li'l bitty born before marriage" or "li'l bitty, born previous to his parents' engagement" cat. he still reserves the rights to rap under the name "li'l bitty bastard" because it refers to his street attitude.

congratulations on getting to-be-hitched, kathleen.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

i am a handsome bunny, more than not

peter: mama was telling me about a skittles ad she saw on TV that reminded me of you
me: ...oh really? in what way?
peter: oh, there was a singing bunny that a man traded his skittles for
and then he just had the singing bunny in his apartment and got tired of the singing
and was sad.
me: ...and which part was me? please say 'the singing bunny'.
peter: *nods*
it sang opera
and was a handsome bunny, aparently
me: i am a handsome bunny, 9 times out of 10

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


so we were talking about that deja vu movie in class today- i don't mean we were having a class about movies, or anything, we were actually hiding out in the illustration room. some copyrights guy came in. to talk about copyrights. he had a suit, big ears, and boron written all over him. away i went.


according to katie, it's about some time folding machine and some room where they keep a time folding machine.

i can't help thinking about how lame it would be to work there... folding time.... getting time-cuts on my fingers and being like, "oh my god, the ones between the fingers hurt the most. especially when you cook something with lemons... ow."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

for the first time ever...

alex, this is for you.

it is my makeshift "dealing with sour feedback" award. it is all yours, buddy.

question: what made me laugh so hard, coffee came out my nose?

if the question is pertaining to this morning...

You know what? I was being sarcastically negative all along. I'm sorry you didn't pick up on it. Don't go to, folks. It's addicting as hell.


now let me employ some moo-cow-folk vernacular...

folks, if'in ya'll aren't followin' the great virtual cow wars ...well, y'all better get a hankerin' soon. get your biscuits over there. (watch your coffee)


Saturday, December 09, 2006

results of career matching exam:

1. Special Effects Technician

2. Art Director

3. Stylist

4. Desktop Publisher

5. Craftsperson

6. Jeweller

7. Potter

8. Editor

9. Fashion Designer

10. Sign Maker

11. Cartoonist

12. Animator

13. Actor

14. Advertising Copywriter

15. Magician

16. Casting Director

17. Graphic Designer

18. Artist

19. Public Relations Specialist

20. Comedian

21. Critic

22. Market Research Analyst

23. Print Journalist

24. Translator

25. Composer

26. Medical Illustrator

27. Health Records Professional

28. Computer Animator

29. Communications Specialist

30. Furniture Finisher

31. Picture Framer

32. Musician

33. Pet Groomer

34. Automobile Salesperson

35. Auctioneer

36. Telemarketer

37. Director of Photography

38. Set Designer

39. Costume Designer

40. Website Designer

hey, it has editor & advertising copywriter... however, it also has magician and automobile salesman. i am a lady, thanks.

Friday, December 08, 2006

something fishy about

i spent the night at kathleen's house, care of rhianna for the month, and spent quite a bit of time picking up and squishing and petting hippo (what was briefy my kitten after val.)

my jacket is covered in hippo hair and i've got a few kitty scratches.

anyhow. spekaing of cats, i stumbes on a baffling little gem of lame-ness. now don't think i always go looking for this stuff- sometimes the stuff just falls into my lap. or, into a link posted on top of my gmail account. a place to make virtual, exotic show kitties.

now tell me if you see anything odd about this (found under the 'What is' section)

Have you ever dreamed of having your own quality cats to raise, feed, groom, train, breed, and show? brings this opportunity to you through its one-of-a-kind virtual Cat simulation game.

Join hundreds of other Cattery owners as you get your own cats and bitches ready to compete in the show ring. You choose from 158 different breeds; whether it be Great Dane, Beagle, Whippet, or Poodle, there is a breed for you. See them grow from puppy to Champion!

Choose to enter your cats in all-breed, specialty shows, or both. Each judge has their own standards and preferences regarding a "true" champion. Do you wish to use a handler to show your Cat or handle him or her yourself? It is all up to you! How well your Cattery performs is up to you and the decisions you make.

You are the breeder, owner, handler, trainer, and groomer of your show cats. You get to manage and budget the rations of food your cats receive, how you breed your cats, which shows you enter, and much, much more. has something for everyone. Whether you've been showing real cats for years, have never shown a Cat in your life, or even have never owned a real animal, this game is fun, challenging, and a unique experience.

!!Sign Up Now!!

okay first of all they make it sound like it's almost impossible to raise an exotic showcat. dude, you just look in the classifieds section of the local paper. they are not that hard to find at all. and raising cats is pretty easy, if you ask me.

second... beagles, great danes...?

conclusion: obviously dogs are exotic cats.

doodles from advertising crit yesterday:

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

how to get involved in your community, tip #11 & #12

according to tonight's news, cookie-scented bus stickers were removed from the calgary bus system, due to a) old people complaining and b)apparently it's cruel to "remind homeless people they can't afford cookies". how backwards...

my tips?

#11- remind old people, we could care less

#12- remind homeless people they can't afford cookies.

Monday, December 04, 2006

typhoon durian...

...are you sure that's what you want?

(any of you who have ever attempted to order a durian shake, know exactly what i'm talking about)

Sunday, December 03, 2006

commercial break trivia-- gay cookie trivia

courtesy of food network's 12 days of Cookies, which decided to hold us captive over commercials with fun, vague, homosessual trivia about cookies.

me: what is the oldest known cookie?
alex: !
How can you even answer a question like that?
me: it was a trivia question on tv. lord if i know.
alex: Uh, uh, uh...
Butter cookies?
They're the simplest cookies.
me: i have no idea...
alex: Or, like, little squares of pate sucree?
me: i will tell you after this commercial break
alex: Oh boy. I bet it's mega dumb.
me: oh i'm sure it is.

(answer comes on tv)

me: oh, the pizzelle

but those are fried, not baked.
alex: That's riduculous.
I know.
Oldest waffle maybe.

me: oh here's the next one
who brought the modern day cookie to north america?
alex: Columbus. No, but really these questions are impossibly vague.
me: maybe the vikings
like erik the red!
alex: Leif Eriksson?
me: yesss
or maybe it was one of the spanish galleons that also brought the ponies to chincoteague
ponies AND cookies
oh boy here is the answer!
alex: I'm going to say Ponce de Leon.
me: what the hell...... dutch scottish and english settlers...
alex: If he was searching for the fountain of youth, he was probably also a one for cookies.
me: how could that be any less conclusive. this channel is full up with stupid.

ah HA HA HA....
they brought this lady on who makes her mother's cookies.. and they showed these yellowed cards behind glass. "and she even saved the original recipe cards-- which are decades old!" .... they say "1974" in the corner.
alex: That's so sad.
me: basically the americas were like some potluck christmas party and everyone brought the same dish.
alex: Yeah, but nobody brought any ice for the drinks.
So we're stuck having warm bourbon and cola.


things i do not like about hipsters:
1. they steal my books.
2. skinny jeans
3. boots over skinny jeans (how do you not realize you just look like raging hookers?)
4. they dance like they are being stung by bees
5. they make really horrible websites like the following

if you think this tattoo's "awesomeness" overwhelms the lameness of the rest of the picture's content, please raise your hand. because i do not like you anymore.

if i could bother you a moment, i'd like to tell you something about myself...

i am a galactical treasure.

that is all, really...
well. i like you, too.

Friday, December 01, 2006

threats i really need to use more often:

1. i will run you out of town on a rail (passions)
2. i will gobble up your ears! (a very long engagement)
3. four words: sock full of pennies (dust that one off)
4. santa's watching
5. i will be all over you like james joyce is all over the modern library's top ten novels of the 20th century list! that's like at least 6 times, dude.
6. i will knock the bloom off your rose
7. one word: behoove