Monday, March 17, 2008

in praise of tetris.

if only IQ tests would incorporate the friendly, colorful, 2D shapes i know and love from tetris... i can make those motherfuckers fit together any day.

bane of my existence. i can run through them pretty speedily (if i don't panic), but damned be those questions, "what would this object look like if turned like so..."

the fuck do i know what it would look like? they all resemble used/crumpled hairnets to me. from another angle? a used/crumpled hairnet. what's the next shape in the pattern? used/crumpled hairnet.

also, i never know if some of these are mistakes:

by changing the spaces only, "blah blah blah," could be read, "bl ah bl ahblah."

i go ahead and check "false" because spacing wouldn't transform a comma into a period but heaven only knows if that's what they had in mind. am i reading too much into it? i get the creepiest feeling, answering these things. i always picture them writing the questions while twirling their greasy, devious mustache-tendrils. and tenting their fingers all evil-like. they say there's no trick questions. but c'mon. if you were writing these... well, wouldn't you?

i bet it's someone like this guy.

he looks normal and old, but any smart lady will tell you: he is totally out to get you.

not only through questionable details but through the illustration of those 3d or 2d objects.

who even looks at this and doesn't want to die of boredom? i have a hard time even making my eyes stay put on it for more than a second.

on the other hand, this one is almost too cute to analyze. i get all caught up in the adorable pink and the little, bitsy triangles nuzzling at what i can only assume is the 'mommy' shape.

this stuff reminds me of germs or arm-hair from health class books circa 1980-something. gross.

and this style just distracts me with thoughts of buying a new shower curtain.

this makes me think, "man i wish i were eating a cookie right now..."

i guess it's obvious why i clash so strongly with formal education.


at the very least, it is unkind to have these blunt-but-sketchy questions just hang there on the page... all smug with no one to answer for them. i have questions. seriously, a whole page of things i wasn't clear on. the rest of my day is going to be spent tracking down some phone number or mailing address.

the results

i did okay; i pulled a 140 on a test, despite a) the rampant ADD, b) not answering a few 3D questions, c) over-analyzing, d) being tapped on the shoulder to edit a few dell spec... and e) answering the last 13 questions in a state of utter paranoia and vexation.

i scored a 159 on they only give you the one, flat sum and i have a feeling they really pad on the points as a means of swindling you into buying the details. so if you feel like really inflating your ego? i definitely recommend it. do not open your wallet to their flattery, though. like that aesop fable with the crow and cheese. they are based in reno and that is sketchy at best.

...let's go back to the cute triangles.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


besides the obvious disconnects from reality and reason on the part of the My Little Pony people....

...what would a pony want with a scooter? come on now.

unless they are handicapped ponies. or decided now was a good time to waste gas. when they come out with a my little pony in a H3, you just give me a tap. because i will want one of those.

all the kind of skanky makeup and the shoes, that's bad enough. makeup does not belong on ponies. let us get this straightened out...

things that you can (and probably should) put on ponies:
. ribbons
. little hats
. fuzzy blankets
. jingle-bells
. fabio
. daisy chains
. persian kittens (extra points if they are trying so hard not to fall asleep)

things that should never go on ponies
. makeup
. high heels
. bob vila
. pleather
. skinny jeans
. cheap hair extensions
. 'do-rags
. 'bling'
. old cranky asian women
. lululemon
. garth brooks
. presidential candidate mitt romney
. fishnet stocking
. shirts that say "i give myself permission to be sexy"

*i am on the fence as to which list 'woody allen' goes.

proust & ponies.

as some of you know, i've taken up jogging. this works out pretty well, considering i spend the majority of my day in a chair writing essentially the same words over again. plus, it makes me read stupid fast and i burn trough literature at a freakish rate.

however, it was recently brought to my attention that ladies who run are fantastically gross. there's some merit to that, i'll admit. afterall, there are ladies who run like this:

and this

pretty fairly monstrous. (who runs in skirt, by the way?) running certainly doesn't make you cooler - it all depends on your approach. if you're lame to begin with, running isn't going to do squat. if anything, it'll lead you to adopt this sort of aesthetic:

no fight there. she is clearly smug and unloveable.

but as for myself, i am not lame.

when i go about running, it is more like this:

also, add in the fact i am juggling two translations of proust.


go ahead, do the math.



sum? pretty darn saucy. you bet.

conclusion: if running was inherently lame - why would ponies do it?

Monday, March 10, 2008

a room with more room.

after getting multiple, obnoxious "no more memory - delete stuff" messages from my powerbook, someone told me that what i needed was an external hard drive. fortunately, someone from our office was giving theirs away for a mere $50. so i took it. and of course had no idea what to do with it after that.

i guess i was hoping i'd just set the hard drive beside my powerbook and it would go something like this:
powerbook: "oh my gosh, i need you so bad."
external hard drive: "oh my gosh i need you too!"
(amorous merging of technology resulting in more room for my mp3s.)

this was not the case. but i somehow muddled through and managed to lose some real space-consuming files.

things that were hogging my memory:
the adventures of pete & pete
print-quality pdfs of shaggy ponies and baby bunnies
a mystery folder of downloaded games and doo-dads called Thing-Stuff for Neat Times
retarded ACAD projects
(i don't know why i'm bothering to preserve information design posters but whatever. if anyone wants STD factoids or mint packagings, let me know? i also have a fascinating timeline exhibit. woo.)

in other news
. the sign in front of nick's juicy pizza place has changed to "COOK PERSON NE ED"

. last week my nytimes sunday showed up on wednesday evening. since this week's issue was missing too, i forecast similar results. what do they not understand about the news? it's news ... by wednesday i don't even want it anymore.

. i have a running buddy! for the last four or five gym visits, this little asian dude who reads geological manuals/graphing textbooks takes up the machine next to me. we don't exchange any words, but seeing as we're the only people reading something other than HARD HARD BODIES and SO FREAKIN' TAN magazine, we have developed an unspoken bond. in my head, i call him "wesley".

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

snail fever.

they just won't stop doing it.

rabbits have elbowed in on the snail's deserved reputation, as far as i am concerned. those little squishy horn-dogs just can't get enough of each other. every time i look in the fish bowls they've got their squishy parts matched up in what i can only describe as an amorous embrace. for creatures that consist of a shell and a goey foot, they sure know how to get it on.

actually, here. i'll show you. imagine this underwater:

the result is: we have thousands of snails. thousands of baby speck-sized snails.

even the little puritanical snails in lawrence's tank have begun doin' it like it's going out of style. all those long talks about abstinence...

to rectify this in as fair a way as possible i cut two slices of cucumber. one would be the 'death cucumber' (marked with a little x) and one would be the 'life cucumber'. unfortunately the next morning i looked in the bowl and there was only one cucumber. for a second i thought they'd caught on but then rhianna came out of her room and said "yeah i took one out - i thought it was too much cucumber."

sigh. so i've just let them grow. i've tried giving them away to everyone, everywhere, but to no avail. seriously, i am that girl at the gym who says: "hey nice bench press! want a snail?" or "you must work out a lot. you look like you need a bunch of snails." short of marketing what's bound to be an unpopular energy drink, i've tried everything . well, everything but flushing them. for some reason that seems just too cruel. and also i will have nightmares of monster sewer snails.

in the meantime, there's one redeeming feature. the fun thing about baby snails is, they have the remarkable ability to cling to the surface of water (like crawling across the bottom of a glass table). and it's a popular activity. so my new fun game is poking one with a finger while saying "boop!" and making a long whistle as it falls to the bottom. then another. then another. keep in mind this is only really entertaining in the early morning.

in a sad turn of events, despite all this life bursting forth in other tanks/bowls, nixon's snail (gordon snail liddy) has passed away. what the crap. i loved that snail.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

craigslist is where the fun lives.

some odd items on the free list.

TI-83+ Graphing Calculator - BROKEN but may be fixable!
go ahead and calculate the odds that it is.

giant tomato
further description: 2 metre diameter, hollow, fiberglass TOMATO.

hygiene products.
this is particularly sketchy, considering how nondescript and accidental it all appears.
further description: "Hi, i have recently come upon a massive amount of Hygiene Products, Unopened. They range from male/female deodorants, toothpastes, perfumes, hand sanitizer, and body washes."

red converse hightops mens size 5 1/2
... a men's size 5 1/2? no wonder they're free.

free moving boxes
further description: assorted, ordinary moving boxes.
what sets it apart is the guy actually included pictures.

misc items
further description:
assorted cookie tins
assorted cookie cutters
2 baskets decorative gold wire, one for plants
3 decorative candles
a few outdoor Xmas lightbulbs
dustpan and whisk broom
lunch bag
2 plastic serving dishes (never used)
metal lunch box
3 square lids for corning dishes

man, throw in some mis-matched tupperware and single barbie shoes, and it's everything everyone already has and doesn't need.

Monday, March 03, 2008

the great & awesome pee list.

most of you know that if i were a boy, i would totally pee on just about anything. i thought i'd share with you the highlights. guys, you can borrow some ideas if you want as long as you tell me how great and awesome it was.

the highlights:

. parked convertibles
. dogs
. smart cars
. florence nightingale
. lululemon stores
. every year the art school i attended has a sidewalk art contest. i'd be saving it up for that.
. buffaloes
. lions
. great white sharks
. blue whale
. dolphins (they just seem like they deserve it.)
. anyone on my nixon-style enemy list
. the internet
. a bomb
. a ninja
. the tigris river
. piranhas
. teepees (childish i know, but it has 'pee' in it!)
. mary kay cars
. martin luther king jr. statue (not as a controversial act. just because peeing on things is my dream. i think he'd dig it.)
. lincoln memorial (same kinda reason. abe would give me a thumbs up, i just know.)
. any guy wearing an 'arcade fire' t-shirt
. the washington monument (again, not as a controversial/political act. just as a "neener neener, however phallic you are, you can't pee back")
. the pope-mobile (not with him in it. just the mobile)
. people who are peeing on things i want to pee on.
. ani difranco

the texting debate.

i thought for everyone's benefit it might be best to break down the rational and irrational aspects of text messaging. i'm on the more extremist end of the anti-text-messaging scale, but i will admit it has its uses. so let's explore them, shall we?

i like to measure the reasonability of something using effectiveness and efficiency to gauge how useful it is.

the cell phone (whatever your personal opinion on them happens to be) is one of the most wildly efficient, effective personal devices in history. it has two great virtues: portability and instantaneousness. instantly being able to communicate with another person through the most immediate medium: vocally. and since they are so portable, this instant communication is always possible (feasible anyway, not accounting for your personal circumstances/appropriateness of place and time)

when text-messaging is rational: leaving a person post-it note sorts of messages like, "i won't be home on time. expect me at 11pm" or "meet me at (address) instead". assuming none of these spur confusion or more conversation, they are very effective and very efficient. unlike leaving a voice message, a person can view the information visually - no re-playing messages so you can make out/write down addresses, phone numbers, etc. and unless their battery dies, they're sure to get it wherever they are, and not wait to retrieve it from some other message receptacle. super useful.

when text-messaging is irrational: whole conversations. text-messaging more than two exchanges on a phone is a major backwards step from possible efficiency. as text-messaging takes a considerable amount of time to accomplish, it takes away from the instantaneousness of a phone's communication potential. much less efficient.

other concerns:

we all take our liberties with everyday use of language, but the volume and speed with which text jargon is spreading, infiltrating our language even outside its "appropriate" venue... is alarming. and i don't say this from a point of english puritanism, i say this understanding the long, traceable history of the language (for communication's sake) can't compare with fleeting word trends, humorous amalgamations, contemporary references and language corner-cutting, which don't have the stability of the good ol' king's english. it's the same difference as evolution of one animal a million years ago into its contemporary, and a three-eye frog popping out of a lake, suddenly, due to toxic exposure. you can comfort yourself in knowing you punctuate and take the time to use perfect grammar, but this is only a drop in the bucket if you are receiving/acknowledging text messages from people who don't. either cut it out, or make it clear to people they better clean up their grammar or not bother with texting you at all.

IM vs. Text-Messaging
now one of the arguments presented by my recently converted roommate: it is just like instant messaging over computers.

which seems like a fair comparison, but all in all doesn't hold water. voice-to-voice communication is not the primary use of a computer. in order for a computer to transmit sound instantly there needs to be added features: microphones, voice chat applications and compatibility between two people's software/OS... the technology is still a bother, which you'll understand if you're like me and have ever attempted to voice chat from your mac to a pc. with the hassle of voice chat on the computer, compatibility bugs and the mere fact if you're on a computer you've likely got other things going on besides chatting, IM programs still take the lead in reasonable communication on computers. because of screen size, IM organizational features (convenient tabs, etc) and the ability to reach a higher wpm count on standard keyboards, the IM gets my star of approval in efficiency, effectiveness and overall usefulness. it demonstrates the full usefulness of the computer, whereas text-messaging is a drawback.

which isn't to say people shouldn't do anything irrational. i personally think it's gay, but is only so much worse than dancing. i mean, this is assuming our language doesn't break down...


with rhianna in egypt, i am left to my own devices. imagine tom cruise in risky business , only with opera music, an afro and very tiny pancakes.

my own devices
. poof my hair into an afro
. make tiny pancakes. who knows where this idea came from or why it is so fantastic - but believe me that it is.
. washing dishes to different time signatures. alternating 4/4, 3/4, 5/4, etc.
. looking up videos of kittens trying not to fall asleep on youtube. they just try so hard. but they are just too sleepy.
. watching 4 woody allen movies in a row. whew.
. went around the gym with a bottle of white-out, turning the ". . . ." on tanning posters into the appropriate ". . ."
. bounced my basketball a few times (not a euphemism)
. learned how to play 'mandy' on the banjo
. watching tv at kathleen's house. television, oh boy! (not sarcastic)

in the end? i enjoy being on my own (the place is remarkably clean, i get lots of sleep, i can listen to classical music to my heart's desire...) but there is just no replacement for coming home and curling up on the sofa with someone for a disc or two of sweet, sweet x-files.

rhianna, my dear sweet dude, you are missed big time.