Thursday, October 05, 2006

reasons why pilgrims would never, ever land on canadian soil

canadians hold & celebrate the oddest of odd delusions: the delusion that they deserve to have thanksgiving. do they think the mayflower came to canada? dude, even the pinta wouldn't be up in canada's hizzy. canadians do not realize how unappealing canada is. landscapes? we have landscapes in the USofA...and they are blessed by our lord & savior. do you think god just whisks his blessings to and fro? no. he gave his blessing to the US and you canadians will have to settle for some lesser god. alex, what's the name of that inuit one? you people may have that. turn that into some kind of holiday.

anyhow.

some reasons pilgrims would never land on canadian soil:
1. it is cold
2. there are no rats in alberta (#1 alternative to corn)
3. donde estas the persian kittens?
4. shania twain & celine dion (i know it, you know it... we all know it. we are all tired of knowing it.)
5. why visit plymouth rock jr. when you can visit plymouth rock?
6. there are no cats in america and the streets are made of chee-eese. (unlike canada.)
7. having to memorize and understand canadianisms like "toques", "loonies" and "toonies". that is not culture, folks. it is sad.and honestly they make me feel weird. they sound silly. just silly.
8. there is nothing pilgrims care about less than landscapes
9. there is nothing pilgrims care about less than landscapes, and also The Who.
10. pilgrims feel bad for the baby seals. i can just tell.
11. pilgrims are not amused by pretentious french street signs. (they only read/speak the language of god-given harship & awesomeness)
12. pilgrims beat up sarah harmer lesbians.

4 Comments:

Blogger apk01004 said...

Sedna.
It was Sedna.

"...a beautiful and chaste maiden who was innocently lured into marriage by an evil bird spirit."

I THINK WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous samantha said...

I promised photos...and contrary to Rhianna, I do NOT look like a box of lucky charms. GEEZ.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/samsel_in_distress/new%20tattoo/tattoo009.jpg

12:05 AM  
Blogger echolalias said...

i think it is pretty. very twinkly. but i would definitely advise against adding any red balloons... just to be on the safe side.

1:24 AM  
Anonymous sam said...

yes..no red balloons or purple horseshoes. baaaaad idea!

12:17 PM  

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