Tuesday, January 29, 2008

there is one word for this weather.


Monday, January 28, 2008

you might, maybe, want to re-think that...

nick's pizza delivery (billboard): "COOK PERSON WANTED"

some chick's lululemon bag: "children are the orgasm of life"
{show of hands, who thinks this is not totally revolting? besides, actual orgasms are the orgasms of life.}

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

heath ledger: the funky-cheeked man from down under goes even down-underer

i am willing to temporarily eschew all qualms and grudges against aussies for a post, in order to mourn the passing of heath ledger.

he had one of those accents, yes. but he was very good at masking it in american films - let this be a known virtue to all you aussies. and man, did i enjoy that pokey-cheeked, sad-eyed face of his. i thought his face was going to be the new old, freckled tommy lee jones, twenty years down the road...

the news reports haven't been specific about what exactly he OD'd on, but here are my guesses:

1. awesomeness
2. capsules of liquid man-beauty
3. ColdFX


oh, heath ledger. we were with you from furry battle-panties acting to engaging in hot mountain man love. all of it, a treasure. to me. now look at this an have a moment of silence.

Monday, January 21, 2008

yet another reason i hate australians.

dear australia;

it's a good thing you're on the other side of the planet, because i would seriously fuck you up right now. like 'dump-buckets-of-agitated-lobsters-down-your-underpants' fuck you up.


vote a made-up word into the dictionary.

i mean first of all, voting words into the english language seems to turn the usefulness of dictionary updates into some sort of trivial game - it is no longer about word functionality, but instead becomes some kind of giggly, word-popularity contest. on the internet, of all places. the internet . where people make the dumbest decisions, whether out of stupidity, boredom or idleness. and you're letting them maim the english language with the wave of a mouse.

second: why are you bothering to include slang in a dictionary? simply because you can look it up and snicker? it's slang. it's a passing fancy, a fleeting trend. not something to be printed and preserved. it exists only out of popular usage, which will die out. let it exist as long as it's thrown around, and then let it go quietly into the night like all little phrases with expiration dates. you can't tell me "floordrobe" has staying power...

how's this for a word: ass-tralians (noun. everyone who resides in australia or adheres to their awful ideas. also, people who drunkenly imitate their nasal, hyper-lilting accents and basically deserve underpants full of agitated lobsters.)

just so you know, you could have something cool like this:

but nope. no lobster phone. only unpleasantness for you.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

in search of lost new york times.

it doesn't seem to me that paper delivery is so hard. you get the papers weekly, you deliver them to people on a list, who've paid for them. for whatever reason, my nytimes sunday paper delivery has been going monstrously, awfully wrong.

about five weeks in a row - no paper

while i'm away for christmas - my roommate claims there was one paper

week after that - no paper

week after that - no paper

i make complaints.

last sunday - received two issues

yesterday - received another copy of last week's issue

today - no paper

what the fuck, nytimes sunday. what the fuck.

Monday, January 14, 2008

tasteless: sugary pursuits of those who should probably consider a degree in accounting.

if anyone deserves your charity it is bakers who engage in artistic baking hoo-ha sculpting. here are some prime examples of why they need some art classes under their belts.

i believe this is an african american woman holding a banner of bacon and buttercups?

minus one thousand points for taste.

more resembles some unfortunate soul's upside-down inflamed testicles either with parasites escaping or just a bad foray into pube-dying experiments.

here it is in context. any better? nope.

i... don't even know.

i think this is winnie the pooh humping a giant snail in a circle of oysters, but don't quote me on that one.

that's someone's birthday cake. apparently. happy birthday indeed. some people make jell-o and coolwhip look classy.