Wednesday, May 31, 2006

one thing i am very disappointed to learn

... that no one reads out loud very often. i always thought grown ups did that an awful lot. sure, there are presentations. speeches. but the notes are there to glance at, not to read from. that looks silly and people think you're lying that much more. anyway. the point is that you are not exercising a skill you spent so long acquiring (or failing to acquire) in elementary/middle school.

i had my expectations. and i?

am diappointed.

also, climbing trees. i miss that.

gay, gay and spooky gay

and then when you are done finding out how much of a homo you are, you can take a similar quiz which will let you know just how much of a homo your pet is. and then compare and contrast.

also, in other disturbing news... there is apparently more than one site for rating how cute kittens are (in hot or not style).
rate my kitten
cute little kittens

. 46% - i am, according to them, a 'happy & well adjusted hetero babe'. it is true!
. 50% - nixon (my beta fish) 'he's so lucky, as anything will do, he's happy with a furry cup and a big set of choppers too!

now apparently they do not like fish. i clicked the 'other' box and this was the result:

"sorry, but the sex lives of fish, reptiles and such are far too bizarre for us to examine! if you'd still like to know how gay your pet is then take the test and pretend it's another kind of beast!'

now if you ask me, pretending to be a different species is a crime way worse than homosexuality. but i did. so help me, i did.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

tocar mi codo

in light of rhianna's departure, we made with the goodbyes. each in our own special way. for me, well: rhianna and i stood around in my kitchen giggling at the various places we could point to while saying tocarme aquí ("touch me here").

how can elbows not win? they can't. that is, they can't not win. all double negatives point to: elbows are the winner.

list of helpful spanish sayings involving where to be touched

o elbow / tocar mi codo

o ankle / tocar mi tobillos

o both ankles / tocar mi ambos tobillos

o shoulder / tocar mi hombro

o nose / tocar mi nariz

o lozenges / tocar mi rotulas

o biggest toe / tocar mi el dedo gordo

o smallest toe / tocar mi el dedo del pie mas pequeno

o all-seeing eye / todo-ver el ojo

no preocuparte. lo haré mismo.
don't worry. i will do it myself.

also, i may or may not have joined a french speaking club last night while i drunk and thinking about all the neat things i am doing with filling station now. that is to say: a lot of neat things. i am busy, at last.

Monday, May 29, 2006

due to overwhelming numbers who assume i am a *boy i have updated my profile. also, i am considering putting a picture of my own cleavage which is, frankly, much cuter than the virgin's. why? well it just is. and because my sternum is pierced down the center. my piercing is already on the interweb in sondra's portfolio. i wouldn't think that much of it.

multiple choice time!

symmetry is:
a) great.
b) the greatest.

*[variations of boy include: tosser (with male connotation), caveman (my apartment is actually pretty great and my roommate plays bagpipes), and some other things which suggest women wouldn't sleep with me (i guess this is true. despite looks i got in seattle, i do not like women at all. they make me crabby and i wind up squinting a lot. like an angry kitty. meow.)]

note: they also mispelled my name. i am used to this, though.

weak sauce/great aspects of rivers

rhianna and i, on a whim, rated the various bodies of moving water and fitted them into categories of 'weak sauce' & 'great'

weak sauce
o rills (should be obvious)
o rivers (they are used too often for crying and crying is horribly weak sauce)
o effluent streams (more than obvious)

o estuaries
o deltas
o tributaries

my other new hobby for the day/however long:

saucy, fake sex blog/learning site. i am thinking: ... but unlike most lame ones, my writing will fail to suck. and instead of rotting people's brains they can learn. who doesn't love learning? so, each steamy love adventure will feature a guest star! a dashing guest star in the form of education. education is the most dashing of them all. something like:

o the enchanting, naive vocabulary featured in none other than
o dinosaurs
o jive/ebonics
o provencal cooking
o spanish
o the ways in which democrats are pissing away the upcomming US election (you know it's sad, but true)


ps- tonight is the meeting for Filling Station. mark sent me a last-minute e-mail. i am reassured. i thought he changed his mind about having me on the editor's team. i am glad this is not the case.

if i were to rate my degree of "thrilled" on a scale of 1-10, i would have to land somewhere between 8.5 and 9. perhaps not so much. but mark will be there and his glasses and blushing demeanor bring me joy. how much? probably a 10. so much so, that i would go so far as to measure my joy on a 1-10 scale of blushing marks.

multiple choice time:

1-10 scale of blushing marks
a) a great idea?
b) the greatest idea?

Sunday, May 28, 2006

how glad am i the nytimes found its way to my door again? pretty darn.

my kingdom for one article describing me as a "wonkish technocrat".

that is all.

total virgin

this woman is a total virgin.

so let's, you and i, break down
the reasons why she is a virgin:

o- she keeps referring to things in the most obnoxious ways. it is not her girl bits, it is "her Desire" . all signs point to: chastity pledge.

o- her actual desire is referred to (all the freaking time) as "a throb between her legs". all the time. you remember how often CS Lewis substitutes the word "delicious" for basically every single adjective? that is what she does with this desire/throbbing nonsense.

o-obsession with being kissed on her stomach. that is one of the lamest places ever.

o- saying 'arse'... oh, snort.

o- the way she thinks it is a new idea, being turned on by two guys making out. well, duh. i just mention the harry potter twins and everyone immediately knows what i'm talking about. heck yes. but she was shocked by the suggestion. and shocked by the "throb between her legs".

o- her misunderstanding of guys and not wanting to do it during menstruation. blood is just gross. it is perfectly normal for them to turn their head and run the other way while she sits and whinges and bleeds. dan savage has my back on this one, i'm sure.

o- if you find her almost bothersome post about loving gardeners... you will immediately understand. and/or vomit. i doubt any of this really happened. he was fondling her plants? he was tender and good with his hands? it doesn't get any more virginal than that.

o- her ridiculous list of things that do not contribute to a good lover (but of course, you know they do):

"But what I will say is that being a good lover does not depend on the following factors:

Cock size – I have had cocks as small as my thumb and almost as large as my forearm - and everything in between. Whilst the former was hard to feel and the latter hurt like hell, the rest fulfilled their job very nicely, thank you.

Beauty – I have fucked men that my friends thought were as ugly as dogs, as well as men that modelled for a living. In bed there was no difference: a horny man is a horny man – his skills in bed aren’t connected to his handsomeness.

Intelligence – I have shagged guys who were so boring that I couldn’t wait to leave (after fucking them) and ones that were so fascinating, our conversation continued whilst in the missionary position. Both types were fun to fuck, (but being boring doesn’t equate to a second shag).

Social class/career – I’ve bedded men with differing fiscal status: from a street cleaner to a multi-millionaire ambassador’s son. Their wealth, or lack of, had no connection to their abilities in bed.

Racial/religious background – I have had men of many nationalities, both here, and abroad. The only difference between them was their ability to say ‘I want to fuck you’ with an accent (or not).

Personality – I have slept with bold, outgoing, dynamic men as well as quiet, shy, nervous men; naked, in bed, they were all alike."

oh, she has not. or she would know the specifics of why certain things are better or worse. i will not go into these details. but even at its most mild: extremely beautiful men are horrible in bed. they just don't have to work for the women. extremely bad looking men are usually horrible too. because they have not had as much practice as for-the-most-part-very-nice-looking-people. too self-conscious? annoying. she thinks chemistry is everything. it is something, for certain. but everything? that's a negative. and this is all incredibly bad advice she's giving out. these are all crucial things in their own ways and she?

is a virgin

- if in fact she is not an actual virgin- is in fact a total whore, she must be going at it with a blindfold and copious amounts of mind-obliterating drugs. her writing is also very boring.

lilac festival coverage

the calgary lilac festival is exactly the same as every other large, street-consuming festival ever made. which is to say, it is so gay it is homoerotic.

this gayness cannot be helped by the weather. it is cold. and rainy. and after weeks of 80+, ridiculous sun and topless men walking about, this chilly spurt hits especially hard. for me. i hate the cold so much. given the choice between being punched in the face and being cold, i would opt for the former.

the music booths are distasteful and the people (general crowd) are boring. at least in seattle there were weirdos to write home about. were there ever!

anyhow. there was nothing interesting at all. i would say this festival breaks down into pretty standard festival components:
35%- lame clothes (personality shirts, ugly knitted things, cheap sari's and really horrible belly-dance gear)
35%- fake ethnic jewellery. (hemp + seashells + things that could pass for tibetan)
15%- mystics, people who read spiritual crap (tarots, crystals, auras, palms, tea leaves..), and meditation booths
10%- food (on any other day i would say that there was not nearly enough ice cream)
5%- political booths/charities/etc. boring and pushy.

generally what i sing while i am typing out html/css

"this thing is bold and bold is great and now you are not bold at all but here are breaks and breaks and breaks and this is where italics live -words, words, words- italics you have crossed the property line did you not see those pink ribbons on wooden spikes in the ground? this is for bulk text"

silly but totally serious bear attack prevention tips

brought to you by: UDAP industries

"Bear attacks happen as fast as lightning!!!

Most situations where you will need to use your UDAP Bear Spray will be in a close surprise encounter. Practice, at least seven times going for your spray, or until you can reach it in a split second’s time when needed.

You may want to practice actually shooting from your holster with one of our inert cans. These cans have the same spraying power as our regular sprays without the hot pepper. For training purposes only, inert cans be purchased at half the price of our regular spray, we suggest also using outdated cans for this purpose. In a bear attack situation, we do know this: you will panic if you have not been trained ahead how you will think and react. Practice what you need to do in different attack situations.

Rehearse, with friends or family various situations in order to be prepared in a real life threatening situation."

o Keep dogs under control - dogs can lead an angry bear back to you.
(that sounds like foreshawdowing to a sorry, but it was either you or me, Mr. Peppers shotgun drama)

check out these heart-breaking, heart-warming bear attack testimonials

is your doppler gay-dar going off?

...cause mine sure is.

So there's some good news, people. They have picked & released the names for the 2006 hurricanes. the bad news? prepare yourself .... for some really gay hurricanes.

Alberto, Beryl, Chris, Debby, Ernesto, Florence, Gordon, Helene, Isaac, Joyce, Kirk, Leslie, Michael, Nadine, Oscar, Patty, Rafael, Sandy, Tony, Valerie and William

(sexy: Isaac, Joyce, Nadine, Helene, Michael, Oscar (like wilde. hurricanes don't get any hotter than oscar wilde.)

(gay: Alberto, Beryl, Kirk, Rafael, Tony)

[coincidental: Chris (my personal berger), Debby (chris's mom), Valerie(old roommate/whore)]

(biblical: Isaac & Michael)

(weak sauce: Debby, Gordon, Ernesto, Leslie)

the scary thing is, someday, we may run out of names and have to resort to alternatives. some of these alternatives are:

concepts (like for quarks)
o Hurricane Love
o Hurricane Beauty
o Hurricane Strange

i think this is doubtful. more realistically, we may have to eventually use
black mixed-up names:
(you know exactly what i mean by that. don't pretend you do not.)

o Hurricane Jaquandra
o Hurricane Shaniqua
o Hurricane Latissha
o Hurricane Chikae
o Hurricane Deion
o Hurricane Kleavon
o Hurricane Laqueta
o Hurricane Latoya
o Hurricane Tameron
o Hurricane Terrel
o Hurricane Darlonna (mix of "Darlene" and "Donna". to what end? i'm baffled.)
o Hurricane Shamari

(i do not make these up. not most of them. African American Baby Names makes them up. even better ones here. also note the insane polls and ads.)

aphra behn (oldschool black names):
o Hurricane Oroonoko
o Hurricane Imoinda

o Hurricane Andrew-is-taking-that-coloured-girl-to-the-prom?

political scandals:
o Hurricane Monicagate
o Hurricane Watergate
o Hurricane Glaciars? What Glaciars?

Famous Republicans
o Hurricane Ann Coulter