total virgin

this woman is a total virgin.

so let's, you and i, break down
the reasons why she is a virgin:

o- she keeps referring to things in the most obnoxious ways. it is not her girl bits, it is "her Desire" . all signs point to: chastity pledge.

o- her actual desire is referred to (all the freaking time) as "a throb between her legs". all the time. you remember how often CS Lewis substitutes the word "delicious" for basically every single adjective? that is what she does with this desire/throbbing nonsense.

o-obsession with being kissed on her stomach. that is one of the lamest places ever.

o- saying 'arse'... oh, snort.

o- the way she thinks it is a new idea, being turned on by two guys making out. well, duh. i just mention the harry potter twins and everyone immediately knows what i'm talking about. heck yes. but she was shocked by the suggestion. and shocked by the "throb between her legs".

o- her misunderstanding of guys and not wanting to do it during menstruation. blood is just gross. it is perfectly normal for them to turn their head and run the other way while she sits and whinges and bleeds. dan savage has my back on this one, i'm sure.

o- if you find her almost bothersome post about loving gardeners... you will immediately understand. and/or vomit. i doubt any of this really happened. he was fondling her plants? he was tender and good with his hands? it doesn't get any more virginal than that.

o- her ridiculous list of things that do not contribute to a good lover (but of course, you know they do):

"But what I will say is that being a good lover does not depend on the following factors:

Cock size – I have had cocks as small as my thumb and almost as large as my forearm - and everything in between. Whilst the former was hard to feel and the latter hurt like hell, the rest fulfilled their job very nicely, thank you.

Beauty – I have fucked men that my friends thought were as ugly as dogs, as well as men that modelled for a living. In bed there was no difference: a horny man is a horny man – his skills in bed aren’t connected to his handsomeness.

Intelligence – I have shagged guys who were so boring that I couldn’t wait to leave (after fucking them) and ones that were so fascinating, our conversation continued whilst in the missionary position. Both types were fun to fuck, (but being boring doesn’t equate to a second shag).

Social class/career – I’ve bedded men with differing fiscal status: from a street cleaner to a multi-millionaire ambassador’s son. Their wealth, or lack of, had no connection to their abilities in bed.

Racial/religious background – I have had men of many nationalities, both here, and abroad. The only difference between them was their ability to say ‘I want to fuck you’ with an accent (or not).

Personality – I have slept with bold, outgoing, dynamic men as well as quiet, shy, nervous men; naked, in bed, they were all alike."

oh, she has not. or she would know the specifics of why certain things are better or worse. i will not go into these details. but even at its most mild: extremely beautiful men are horrible in bed. they just don't have to work for the women. extremely bad looking men are usually horrible too. because they have not had as much practice as for-the-most-part-very-nice-looking-people. too self-conscious? annoying. she thinks chemistry is everything. it is something, for certain. but everything? that's a negative. and this is all incredibly bad advice she's giving out. these are all crucial things in their own ways and she?

is a virgin

- if in fact she is not an actual virgin- is in fact a total whore, she must be going at it with a blindfold and copious amounts of mind-obliterating drugs. her writing is also very boring.