additional summer activities that i can get behind

whaling

whether you're harpooning whales, going after sharks with knives, or clubbing dolphins for a bit of tuna: you're bound to enjoy yourself. it's one of the ballsier water sports. hunting is awesome. the ocean is awesome. and dolphins are gay. all in all, it's an equation for summer excellence.

reclaim wildlife from dorks

break some rules with animals, here. days of being content with petting zoos and tapping on glass tanks in pet stores are over. the sun has set on that era in my life, and i'm ready to push some boundaries. i advise sneaking food into the zoo and feeding some cute animals. people who work at the zoo are all khaki-clad dorks and dorks will naturally feed them dorky animal food–as is their dorky wont. by tossing some marmosets chocolate covered peanuts, in a way, you're saving them...from dork food. why should the dorks be the only ones allowed to engage with nature? outside the zoo you can do whatever you want to big-horned sheep, afterall. friends, those walls are not keeping the animals in–they are keeping us out (unless you're in jurassic park. then the walls are actually keeping the animals in).

also, you can go to the park and play with other people's dogs or go out in your alley and make friends with all the kitties (i advise sticking to the non-rabid ones). if you already have a dog, maybe let it loose during 'yoga in the park' mornings.

newspaper magic

for about a dollar, you can get an insane amount of newspaper. roughly around 12' x 21', or 252 square feet in the average paper.(how much is inside newspaper?) you can either break out some duct tape, some water and flour, elmers glue or snatch up some twigs... all of a sudden you've potential to make crass paper mache sculptures, forts, or instant shade from the sun. after getting drunk and sunburned in the park this summer, i really appreciate the ability to construct your own sanctuary from the sun. keep in mind, though, sun is still good for you and prevents cancer (according to the globe & mail an nytimes, vitamin D can reduce the risk of cancer up to 60%)

burning man

no, i'm totally kidding. don't go to burning man.