Thursday, November 16, 2006

ways to avoid cries of subliminal advertising:

1. always show the penis, so there is no guess that it is not, in fact, aroused or erect.
2. show both hands. if you only show one, it will be assumed that the other is on your genitals or the genitals of a victimized woman (or three). take, for example, this advertisement. his hand is missing and despite the fact he'd have to be miraculously pleasuring these women through gloves and snow suits, that's the conclusion jumped to. like at school dances: keep both those hands visible, all the time.
3. if your product comes in any kind of tube, has any capacity to spray... forget that product shot. wherever you put it, there's going to be someone crying "oral sex!".
4. like inthis ad, make sure your raindrops fall in forms that could never be construed as sexual. mother theresa, maybe.

5. once you're sure there's nothing offensive in your ad? turn it upside down. because you know they will go there, if they have to. as this proves .
6. nothing should ever, ever resemble 's's, 'x's or otherwise. alphabets just scream 'slut'.
7. any copy suggesting your product makes people relax, feel pleasure, or enjoyment in any way will only be misconstrued. i suggest either being more detailed ("the chocolate will taste exactly like chocolate"), tweaking the vocabulary ("the most austere chocolate"), or suggesting the opposite ("this chocolate will make you never want to have sex, ever again.")
safe words:
barely tolerable
completely sober

as for the mouth: unfortunately, there's nothing to do about women's mouths. if they're open, you're going to get someone saying she's inviting a penis in. if it's closed, there's someone going to call you on insinuating women have nothing to say. if you cut off the head entirely and just show the neck down: well you know where that one leads.

in essence: never show women in advertising. it steals their souls. show these safe animals instead: zebras, chinchillas, kiwis. nothing with horns, wrinkles, or any sex joke in the history of humankind attached to it. the jury is still out on scorpions.


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