faux letters

today i was asked to record myself reading off a 'letter'. any letter? well, of course the asker of this favour had written out a couple letters, but claimed that his hours of sweating only produced something like: "so... things are okay here...how are you? i hope you're okay. okay?", whereas he had intended something more quirky. so i opened my big, beautiful mouth and poured out letters for him. i knew my habit of talking in open letter form would some day come in handy. oh, and it has.

for your enjoyment, here are some of the open letters i improv'd:

dear santa,
as part of my twelve step program, i am writing all those i feel i have wronged. we have a rocky past, you and i. a past that ended in a plate full of cookies, laced with pesticides. i apologize for those cookies. still, i think you could have stepped up to the plate and told me that along with the new scrapbooking scissors (which were great) you gave me chlamydia ...(which wasn't great at all). anyhow. i have forgiven you in my heart.

sincerely,
melissa
ps- also i am writing to tell you, you should get tested for HPV.



dear alice,

so... i am writing you a letter. this letter. this letter i am writing to you with a pen. as you have probably already come to realize. this is awkward. can we just get married already? i will personally apologize to the other jane austen fan club members.

x
bill