OBSERVATIONS OF X-MEN, LAST STAND BY SOMEONE (ME) WHO HAS MAYBE WATCHED A COUPLE EPISODES & NEVER LAID HAND OR EYE ON AN ACTUAL X-MEN COMIC
1. Why is every semblance of southern accent stripped from this comic-turned-film (+film, +film...)? Rogue. Didn't she have an accent? Or was that just her sauciness escaping in the only way it knew how? Gambit. Now I know he had a southern accent. As a southern girl, born in Georgia, I do appreciate a good dialect pumped full of extra syllables. Especially one from Louisianna (Georgia's delicious cousin- not that way. Don't be gross.) And a lovely, twanging "ya'll" thrown into a discourse now and then. Not only is Rogue completely without her sauciness, there isn't even a Gambit to speak of. Maybe they felt the plot was stretched thin as it was, between characters. There was little to no character development in this one (I guess they figured a generation or so of fanatics would make up for it. Well, it doesn't.)
2. That porcupine kid. (if you are not familiar, he is an asian guy who can make porcupinequils pop out of his skin and then poke back in again- for some reason he is enlisted in Magneto's special mutant forces.) How is that even remotely handy, unless you’re hugging the person you want to kill? And yes, this was how he killed someone. Though really, I figure she wakes up in a couple hours and just has a lot of butterfly band-aids to apply. Some Polysporin/Neosporin and things will be okay. If mutants are rated on a scale of 1-5... well I would give that kid like a .005. How did he make it into the group? Maybe they hire him on the side to put together those horrible neo-renaissance outfits our leading lady (with gigantimundo man-hands that they went to extremes to blot out from every scene- top thing to enjoy) wore. Iridescent fuscia? Yowza.
3. Kelsey Grammer. I love him, of course. He did an excellent job. Maybe the best job. But I swear to god, every time he stood up at the microphone, I thought he was going to tilt his head and say 'I'm listening'. That is all I have to say about him, really. I'm glad he got to rip someone's head off in a movie. I betcha he liked it. And I like him.
4. The guy who can clone himself into multiples. Magneto isn't the only one who has use for him. Hee hee.
5. ...Why does the 'cure' kid have to be bald? Is he supposed to look like a monk or a cancer patient? Or both? Either way, he was pretty useless. All he did was stare at things with his mouth open. Frankly, that's a bit on the rude side. I would hate to watch him eat.
6. This is a fantastic movie for future drinking games. You can go at it from all angles: geekish, fanatical, respectful, and more than borderline Marvel-Heretical.
7. Did anyone else think "you know, given the choice between a) being strapped down, hardcore bondage style, to a large upright device and being injected with The Biggest, Scariest Syringe Ever by a grossly unattractive woman and b) being shot with one of those teeny darts on the fly, I would opt for the latter"? I did.
8. Why do they protest all mutants being cured? What if you had an intensely lame mutant "skill" like, say, turning to butter whenever you're nervous. Or you have the lame ability to make things/people smell like sour cream? Or you can develop glaucoma on command?
9. Did you want the evil fire guy and the good ice guy to make out? Boy, did I ever.
MOST ATTRACTIVE:
o The blonde with angel wings. Sure, he was essentially useless. We actually have this conspiracy theory going, that he talked to the mutants beforehand and said "hey, don't just shoot my father, drop him off a high building, please"...then he sneaks out, swoops in, etc. Because he didn't do anything else in the whole movie but a) look around a corner b) have a really heartbreaking scene in the bathroom. If his father hadn't been dropped over a ledge, he would have had nothing to do at all. That is sad, to me.
o Not to say they are now. But after my mistake in the Harry Potter films, I am very careful to note twins in the background. There were twin mutant boys in one of the classroom scenes. I will wait. If it's anything like Harry Potter, they will turn into raging hotties. (...is it okay to say 'hottie'? I do not know these things.)
o Gambit. Who was not there at all. A pox on you, whoever you are that removed him from the script. Wolverine is a flaming redneck and the guy with laser eyes (I can never remember his name) reminds me of an X-treme dirt-biker with pepperings of homosexuality. Laser eyes are lame. You can't expect to get away with a thing. You just can't. They know it's you. There are obvious red lasers pointing right back to your face.
ACTORS WHO WOULD MAKE HORRIBLE MUTANTS & WHY:
o Julianne Moore. Her face is too tight and horsey.
o Sarah Jessica Parker. I cannot imagine her without chewing gum and complaints. Mutants do not complain. Plus, she looks like a foot.
o Bill Paxton. Self explanatory.
o Hillary Duff. Rogue would kill her on spot. I kind of sense this.
o That squinty guy who played Harry on 3rd Rock From the Sun.
o Joey from Full House.
o Dan Akroyd. He just would, okay? I don't like him. I'm sorry, but I just do not.
PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DEFINITELY BE MUTANTS:
o Ann Coulter
2. That porcupine kid. (if you are not familiar, he is an asian guy who can make porcupinequils pop out of his skin and then poke back in again- for some reason he is enlisted in Magneto's special mutant forces.) How is that even remotely handy, unless you’re hugging the person you want to kill? And yes, this was how he killed someone. Though really, I figure she wakes up in a couple hours and just has a lot of butterfly band-aids to apply. Some Polysporin/Neosporin and things will be okay. If mutants are rated on a scale of 1-5... well I would give that kid like a .005. How did he make it into the group? Maybe they hire him on the side to put together those horrible neo-renaissance outfits our leading lady (with gigantimundo man-hands that they went to extremes to blot out from every scene- top thing to enjoy) wore. Iridescent fuscia? Yowza.
3. Kelsey Grammer. I love him, of course. He did an excellent job. Maybe the best job. But I swear to god, every time he stood up at the microphone, I thought he was going to tilt his head and say 'I'm listening'. That is all I have to say about him, really. I'm glad he got to rip someone's head off in a movie. I betcha he liked it. And I like him.
4. The guy who can clone himself into multiples. Magneto isn't the only one who has use for him. Hee hee.
5. ...Why does the 'cure' kid have to be bald? Is he supposed to look like a monk or a cancer patient? Or both? Either way, he was pretty useless. All he did was stare at things with his mouth open. Frankly, that's a bit on the rude side. I would hate to watch him eat.
6. This is a fantastic movie for future drinking games. You can go at it from all angles: geekish, fanatical, respectful, and more than borderline Marvel-Heretical.
drink everytime:
. someone says a line you can find in at least two other movies (there are a lot of these. Is it okay, really, to still cling to a dead lover and scream: "NOOOOooooooooo"? huh.)
. when the director screws up (...he moved the bridge it was the middle of the day. They get to the other side and it is midnight. What magical, harry-potter bridge is this?)
. someone is betrayed
. someone says "mutant" (alt: gene, cure, NNNNNnnnnnooooooooo)
. you have the overwhelming impression of someone being jealous
. someone is wearing lycra/rubber
. every time you miss a southern accent. in your heart of hearts.
7. Did anyone else think "you know, given the choice between a) being strapped down, hardcore bondage style, to a large upright device and being injected with The Biggest, Scariest Syringe Ever by a grossly unattractive woman and b) being shot with one of those teeny darts on the fly, I would opt for the latter"? I did.
8. Why do they protest all mutants being cured? What if you had an intensely lame mutant "skill" like, say, turning to butter whenever you're nervous. Or you have the lame ability to make things/people smell like sour cream? Or you can develop glaucoma on command?
9. Did you want the evil fire guy and the good ice guy to make out? Boy, did I ever.
MOST ATTRACTIVE:
o The blonde with angel wings. Sure, he was essentially useless. We actually have this conspiracy theory going, that he talked to the mutants beforehand and said "hey, don't just shoot my father, drop him off a high building, please"...then he sneaks out, swoops in, etc. Because he didn't do anything else in the whole movie but a) look around a corner b) have a really heartbreaking scene in the bathroom. If his father hadn't been dropped over a ledge, he would have had nothing to do at all. That is sad, to me.
o Not to say they are now. But after my mistake in the Harry Potter films, I am very careful to note twins in the background. There were twin mutant boys in one of the classroom scenes. I will wait. If it's anything like Harry Potter, they will turn into raging hotties. (...is it okay to say 'hottie'? I do not know these things.)
o Gambit. Who was not there at all. A pox on you, whoever you are that removed him from the script. Wolverine is a flaming redneck and the guy with laser eyes (I can never remember his name) reminds me of an X-treme dirt-biker with pepperings of homosexuality. Laser eyes are lame. You can't expect to get away with a thing. You just can't. They know it's you. There are obvious red lasers pointing right back to your face.
ACTORS WHO WOULD MAKE HORRIBLE MUTANTS & WHY:
o Julianne Moore. Her face is too tight and horsey.
o Sarah Jessica Parker. I cannot imagine her without chewing gum and complaints. Mutants do not complain. Plus, she looks like a foot.
o Bill Paxton. Self explanatory.
o Hillary Duff. Rogue would kill her on spot. I kind of sense this.
o That squinty guy who played Harry on 3rd Rock From the Sun.
o Joey from Full House.
o Dan Akroyd. He just would, okay? I don't like him. I'm sorry, but I just do not.
PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DEFINITELY BE MUTANTS:
o Ann Coulter
posted by kaylen at 12:26 AM
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