Saturday, June 10, 2006

the reasons why football (soccer) is the greatest sport in the world

amanda came over at 7am and we had a pancake & beer party for the world cup. just the two of us. and my roommate, paul. now, paul was pretty mortified at the reasons i was enjoying the world cup. i don't see why. they are all valid reasons.

football is hotter, visually, than any other sport. and let me tell you why.

other sports vs. football/soccer:

. hockey players are grossly unattractive. missing teeth, knocked out/in features, black eyes, and generally poor physiques.

basketball players are often too gangly and ill-proportioned.

(american) football players have too much variety. too much bulk, too short hair, and big foreheads. while

football players have pristine but occasionally stubbly faces, any hairstyle from reasonably long to short, and the best bodies i have ever seen. essentially: they are dreams on legs.

. ...and what lovely legs, too.

. unlike hockey, where an unattractive man is cluttered with:

shoulder gear
plastic armour of all sorts
really loose, baggy clothing

or (american) football players, where you have bulky, mis-proportioned men of variety with:

frankly, homosexual-tight pants
again, shoulder armour
again, helmets

football players are attractive men (supremely attractive men) with:

visible torsos (only the tastiest amount of imagination required)
boxers (so help me, boxers)
crisp, white knee-socks

survey says? saucy.

sure, football players tend to fall down a lot and hold themselves. some say that makes them mamby-pamby. i think, when they do this, little blue-jays light on my heart. it is more than a little adorable. when cole was on the field, laying on his back and panting... all i could think was a)thank you paraguay and b)why is there not more of this sort of thing factored into the game? but i guess the rarity keeps these moments special.

i have to also mention, the stretching exercises they occasionally do on the field? oh boy.

yeah, that is all.

i mean, you do have the speed of the game which is preferable to everything. especially baseball. which is ungodly boring/slow. if you notice i didn't even bother to factor baseball into the eye-candy segment. frankly, i cannot stand to watch baseball. attractive men are few & far between (and often even more compromised by horrible mullet hair, nasty tobacco habits, and an uncanny affinity for bad beer and nascar).

rugby is tough. appeals to the hostility in me. it's pretty attractive in its own ways (such as the socks and outfits in general), but i'd still rate it underneath football.

i have to say. over all sports. football goes excellent with beer.


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