vegans, step off our solstice.

yesterday some brave neighbour of ours was out on the balcony, making premature use of his grill. grilling with his mittens on. all i could think was, "god bless you, omnivore-man". yes, god bless you and your meat-cravings. jesus put animals on this earth for one reason, and one reason only–to fill our bellies with bloody, delicious food.

vegans? hold up that drumming circle. spring is not about the moon or flowers or uteruses. it's about finding that big bull named Zeus and turning him into steak. we made it through another winter of drinking melted snow and stabbing fish out of the ice. time to sit in trees with arrows and knives big as the elephant we're about to take down. just ask the gods! that's what they want. why would jesus make so many different BBQ sauces, if he didn't want you to apply it to his creatures?

you have no business celebrating the solstice if you don't like grilling slabs of animal-flesh and covering them in ketchup before engaging in a devouring fest so sloppy you need bibs down to your ankles. meat's the reason for the season, dudes.

i think it's time for a dose of honesty. vegans, we only tolerate you people because you're thin. no one wants to be reminded at every single meal that someone has "food morals". food morals are gay as sin. it's like bragging that you are so pampered by modern conditions, you can live off of that space-age material we call "tofu" and "vitamins". well, just remember who got you here. the meat-eaters. the big, muscley elephant-hunters. you should bow down in our presence and take a bite of veal. you'll like it, trust me.

so, all you people on the right track, i salute you for firing up your grills and not meditating in pink hammocks like this guy.


okay, so actually he's kind of beautiful and clever... we're just hoping he likes beef.