Sunday, September 10, 2006

an open letter to rhianna: because i cannot look you in the eye and confess..

...i watched harold and maude on television the other night. and i do not like it at all.

briefly, i liked it when i thought harold had driven himself off a cliff. the scene where he dances away with a banjo, to the perky demonstration song? that does not jive with me. not at all. no jiving. not even the dashiest dash of a crumb of a jive, do i.

if there is one thing i do not like in movies, it is leading ladies who are so in-your-face eccentric with: "this is beautiful and that is beautiful" and: "you have to live! and live!". also, i harbour a distinct breed of hatred for anyone who tries to force me to sing. they get my ultimate squint and seethe routine. what's worse is, in these movies, boys inevitably fall in love with them. i know, i will never be that kind of a lady. rhianna... alex...people: you all know this. rhianna, i am shocked you enjoy her character. i thought you were loyal to our mean side of the fence? mean but lovely.

i didn't even make it to 22 with that kind of optimism. which means she is either ignorant or high. or both. props to her for copping a feel with harold: besides being sluggish, he was a treat. cute pants. but by the end, i wanted her to drop. even disreguarding how she spelled her name with a superfluous 'e'... i, for one, was ready to stuff those mystery tablets down her throat if she didn't. at this stage in her life i think any tampering with her hymen would be... well, ineffective at best. moot issue. death is the only resolution.

so she pops those pills and she tells harold to: "love some more!" and i was in pain. what a load of weaksauce. you are 79 with a supple little lover! what the crap are you doing, lady? harold drives his car off a cliff, i say: "whoa movie, you totally redeemed your plot-self!" you pan up to harold standing on the cliff and i say, "....oh, enough of this." the banjo and dancing? i say nothing. there is just nothing to say.

besides the nice composition of the film... it was just beyond me to enjoy it.


Post a Comment

<< Home