Thursday, November 02, 2006

in an alternate universe i am a ballerina with sore hamstrings. are you turned on yet? just wait...

rhianna and i were wasting time before The Islands concert (excellent) at some nearby coffee shop. this coffee shop offered, besides extraordinarily hot coffee, stacks sur la stacks of bad magazines.

for our delight, we grabbed a couple cosmos and went hunting for anything remotely excellent. there are surprising and baffling and surprising again mockformation articles in these publications. and contradictory too! one of the top ten worst things to do in bed is, spend half an hour licking his eyelids because you read somewhere that it was an untapped erogenous zone. dude-- if they read that, you know they read that in cosmo.

one article offered advice on how to give fantastic pec massages. i'll let you know when i find a guy:
a) who would even slightly enjoy that,
and
b) has nipples with sensitivity even slightly greater than that of elbow-skin.

c) doesn't mind me giggling while massaging his pecs in "sensual circles that get smaller and smaller!"



for your first date, cosmo suggests:

compliment something quirky:
tell him you always liked lefties, praise his e-mail humour, or if you're bold, lock eyes and say, "i love the way you took charge of planning tonight". noticing something unique shows you're focused on him in a way that a normal compliment wouldn't.

[ they didn't really specify, but i'm thinking you're only supposed to say that thing about liking lefties if you notice they're lefthanded. ]

tell him what's worth seeing:
men are visual creatures so ignite that part of his brain by using descriptive words that conjure up sexy images. For example, when you tell him a story plug in a detail about your physical self:

"my hamstrings are sore! from doing downward dog last night at yoga" or "last summer in france i practically lived in my favourite blue bikini."

you get the picture. and so will he!

[a) hamstrings aren't very sexy... b)he'll probably just realize you're bragging about spending a summer in france and write you off as a snot.]

share a secret dream
[i know what you're thinking. "sexy fantasy time!" right? wrong-o.]
tell him what you'd do in an alternate universe-whether you'd be a ballerina or a government spy-then ask what he'd do. [what he'd do in an alternature universe where you were a ballerina or spy? one can only guess...] revealing your imagination clues him into personality traits he might otherwise miss on a first date. plus, it assures him that you'll never settle for predictable (read: boring) exchanges.

[and also lets him know you enjoy thinking/talking about yourself- in hypothesy, no less. sexy, right? maybe...]

a little quote for you:
"his natural odor can draw you like a bee to pollen!"

4 Comments:

Blogger apk01004 said...

What are pectoral muscles even for? I was trying just now, and the only way I can get them to tense up is when I make like I'm trying to touch my elbows together behind my back.

Is swiveling your shoulders a particularly sexual move? How do men get big pecs and why do they bother?

7:39 PM  
Blogger Idoru said...

ba ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha. what a great night. poussez-le VRAIMENT bon. you know.
a ha ha
R

11:10 PM  
Blogger Jonathan Ball said...

i don't have your e-mail, but it is my birthday (& chris ewart's birthday) on Saturday (Nov 4) aka tomorrow. so if you swing by the Kensington Pub after 8:30 i'll be there celebrating.

6:17 PM  
Blogger echolalias said...

dear alex;

that is a huge wad of questions to lay on someone who only has the girly version of pecs.

they do not cover these things in yoga. though maybe my goal for the week is to ask.

sincerely,
myself

12:58 PM  

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