my lovely personal (very personal!) review of the calgary stampede '06

it’s difficult to enjoy anything for very long when you are subject to pounding sun & heat. both of these, factors in calgary. fifteen minutes and my “need nap” impulse flares up.

if you know me, you know how much i enjoy naps- but even moreso, how much i enjoy playing with gigantic animals and tiny animals alike. they are the loveliest of them all. so, true to every stampede experience under my belt, i got to pet a whopping lot of moo-cows, goats, baby pigs and etc. i also had the joy of picking up a baby chicken. you know, the little yellow sort who cannot escape very quickly. however, i only got to pick up a baby chicken, because i didn’t notice the “do not pick up the baby chickens” sign.


we got to see a playschool musical performance which butchered the old macdonald song into a variation that went:

“old macdonald had a zoo- shoobie doobie doo”

survey says? weaksauce.

they also couldn’t find anything better to rhyme with ”seven” than ”the baby kangaroo, whose name is kevin”. ha ha ha.

on the educational side, there was a for-kids learning station that was all about putting corn hats on children and doing some song/dance routine that seemed mildly too political for my personal tastes. i did note the really great wheel of crazy, ranging from “mild” to “extreme crazy!”




anything that insults children with silly corn hats makes me happy, in general. i could swear one of the adults told the child answering a question: “oh well you could do that- but you don’t have a crop this year, do you!?” hahaha.

in the agriculture center, a cowboy man broke off dried wheat and taught me to crumble itup,blow out the refuse, and chew the remainder until it became chewing gum. he was doing his “i am teaching you about corn” routine, and asked if i knew what made the wheat stretch out, etc etc, and i of course say “well….gluten” …he was mildly surprised. pleasantly so. but kept on.

also in the agricultural center, we found the same bin of canola seeds as has been there in previous years. holy cow do i love the texture of canola seeds! i do not see why they keep the tractor toys in there, though. it is just a bad idea. what kind of message does this send about canola farming?



there was also the indian village, which always makes me a little ill-feeling. not necessarily guilty: we all know indians who have land will not fail to name it something really lame. this is why they cannot have nice things. the art of naming is nothing to snuff at, people. moose jaw? ? you really are just crying out to the white man to take it away.

but i digress.

the indian village was mostly shut down. you are supposed to be able to go in and see the teepees. all of them had “closed” signs, and occasionally you could see a few injuns passed out or smoking crack inside. the few left outside were busy smoking meat for their weird, unattractive jerky. or dancing. am i the only one who thinks indian costumes are gaudy and generally horrible looking? i hate that tweety bird yellow they are so fond of. and beads? yuck.




conclusions:
a) cows are huge and great.
b) bison? huger and greater.
c) signs that tell you not to pick up things (things = baby animals), suck.
d) you can chew on wheat seeds and have it turn into gum (eventually) but it is nothing i would recommend if you happen to be very fond of your molars. and boy do i love molars! truly they are the most helpful of the dental collective.
e) indian villages are super creepy. just do not bother. and do not let them have anything that you do not want to be named something lame-ass.