oh, hello

What's Up, Pitches?

2011-01-26T18:48:00.003-07:00

i had too much coffee.

do you know what that means?

i do.

it means: instead of accomplishing fuck-all of significance, i have instead written a rap song ("Put Your Butt On My Butt") and drawn up a few pitches for tv shows of varying seriousness and quality. not that i have ever before shown any interest, to any degree, in screen-writing.

pitch, the first:
"On The Straight & Narrow"or "Narrow Paths"
(a Logo network roommate-slash-dramedy.)

Roommates and ultra-competitive queens at a growing drag venue in Montreal, Tony (from Italy) and Santiago (from Chile), are both red-blooded nationalists with fiery (MUY CALIENTE!/MOLTO CALDO!) personalities that often conflict. But at the end of the day... their countries are both SUPER NARROW and it brings them together.

...and during the day they work in a hospital.

(it may not bring home the awards, but, my god the people will watch.)

pitch, the second:
"Art & Copy" or "Ad Nauseum"

Arthur (Art) is a young copywriting intern at a major advertising agency, in this NBC comedy that is, to put it simply, a Scrubs version of Mad Men.

pitch, the third:
(untitled) -- potentially "This One Time, At Bandcamp.com" or "Hype Machine"

Roommates Phil and Alexander decide to impress girls they meet at a concert by pretending to run an indie record label. Snowballing, as these comedic situations are wont to do, Phil and Alex must sustain this lie by not only juggling the obligations of an indie label's PR and recording demands, but by also inventing and pretending to be the bands listed under their "label"--pulling in their roommate Penelope (and occasionally her off-beat friend who just goes by "Whistle") to help play in the various bands or swap being manager. Features token indie trends from Chillwave to Shoegaze to Witch House, etc, possibly one band/trend per episode.

give me a jingle.

2009-09-12T21:22:00.004-06:00

gentle reader.
what is the haps?

ok.

gentle readers, you'll be ambivalent-at-least (gentle author hopes) to know i've oodles. and i mean, just scads, of time now to keep up with you. the uh, other side to this happy news is: that's because i've been laid off.

i wonder if this is going to be like woodstock - "you get laid off in the recession? do any kooky jobs? no? too bad, you missed out."

and i think, that now is the perfect time to get a kooky job. going back to school is not an iron that's not in the fire. (all double negatives point to: i might go for my masters?) and also make lists. but also some of these lists are about the kooky jobs i want to try my hand at. they range from editing and journalism work to apprenticing as a butcher, being a bookshop girl (mostly for the sweet, sweet employee discounts and also so i can spit in all the copies of harry potter & twilight...) to the most mundane of handy tasks.

see, i'm wondering what the results would be if i print up some posters for handy-type jobs, but with a writer's spin. see below:

"prefer your dog to be walked by an erudite, witty logophile? writer interested in trying hand. give me a jingle."

"want a housekeeper who can make pristine beds and leave book recommendations and mixtapes? neo-renaissance hipster girl w/housekeeping and mixtape-ing experience interested. give me a jingle."

if you can think of any fun job ideas - let me know. i am game, and game again dudes.

at the very least, now is the time to (re-)read betty macdonald's Anybody Can Do Anything.

just so you know...

2009-06-11T11:11:00.000-06:00

"The Spring Peeper Frog makes a sound like jingling sleigh bells, and the Green Frog resembles the twang of a banjo string."

"srsly", dudes.

2009-06-01T13:22:00.004-06:00

don't turn up your nose when i say:

this summer, i hardily encourage you to use "txt" & "meme"-driven lingo in your day-to-day dialogue. if you don't get the inherent fun in saying "L-O-L" and "O-M-G" out loud - you're not doing it right. dig a little - the fun is there. i promise.

you just have to find that certain inflectional sweet spot...

i mean, i "heart" grammar as much as the next copywriter. but this trend won't last forever (ideally)... so take advantage of this brief window of opportunity. shoo off your druthers and take a moment, tell someone that you heart them. whisper a little "oh em gee." squint your eyes and indulge in a sweet little "el oh el".

when you can comfortably drop the weighty sound of implied quotation marks, you'll find that a friendly "whatevs" policy becomes you.

srsly.

here. you can use this to practice:

there comes a time in every young woman's life. . .

2009-06-01T12:45:00.002-06:00

...when she has to fill out an annual self-assessment form for work.

survey says: "yuck."

in a perfect world - a world where i could simply follow my heart - following my heart meaning, cutting out & pasting these aspirational wolf pictures to apply where appropriate:

in that perfect world, i would happily fill out my self-assessment.

in the real world, where it means half-contemplating words like "leadership" and "timeliness" and trying to turn them into applicable vocabulary words... my enthusiasm falls a little short.

maybe my HR & my performance manager just won't believe how well the wolf pictures work, til they see it with their own eyes.

(dear readers: i'm not gonna lie. i miss you, but i've been on twitter.)

they so pretty.

2008-12-02T09:06:00.002-07:00

hey chicago art institute - you know how i know you're gay?

2008-11-21T09:33:00.001-07:00

and finally...

Paco Underhill science-math facts about Paco Underhill.

2008-10-29T14:23:00.004-06:00

also, i really really like his name.

applicated

2008-10-24T12:51:00.003-06:00

the most delightful thing about iphones is the application store. a veritable orchard of juicy entertainment fruit. apples for the mind. the beauty of it is: anyone can make/submit an application. which means there exists a wealth of applications ranging form the very tidy and complex to the very simplistic (for instance, the bubbles app), to the very, very baffling.

most useful to date:
wikipanion (one-touch access to wikipedia. awesome)
dictionare (dictionary)
showtimes (locates where youa re with GPS, tells you what movies, where they're playing, their proximity to you, directions, etc etc.)

most entertaining:
this one belongs to hangman. my personal favourite. the only app i visit so regularly, besides the weather bug. simple, engaging... recently updated with a 2-player mode and cateogires - whereas previously, everything was one mysterious, generic mish-mosh.

most baffling:
Knots
by far, knots is the most nonsensical game i've downloaded. and there are no game instructions or help information to speak of. i've spent an inordinate amount of time trying my darnedest to figure it out. so this is how it goes:

you have a blank screen with a dot.
you put your finger on the dot and another dot pops up.
you put another finger on the second dot. if you let go of the first dot, you lose. holding the two dots, these bouncy rings ripple out from one of them.
and then nothing happens.
sometimes you can move a finger and a new dot pops up.
but sometimes, this makes you lose.
no rhyme. no reason. no instructions.

2nd most baffling prize goes to: JumbleSolvr. now i was under the impression this game gave you a mix of letters which you had to solve. my kinda game. unfortunately, this is not the case. you have a field where you can type letters in and the app tells you what those letters could be, if un-jumbled. the redeeming feature is, they know it's useless and that seems to be their whole developer strategy.

simple & noteworthy:
bubbles touch the screen to make a bubble. touch the bubble to pop it. make as many as you want. the bubbles float away, who knows where.

light saber pick a star wars character (though they all kinda suck). pick a light saber color. it makes an electric hum and wooshes/clashes when you swing your iphone around.

couldn't hold my interest
cookie bonus solitare (basically solitare, but with cookies. also the cards have cookie pictures on them. too bad, it sounds like something i'd like.)

JumbleSolvr (see above)

downloaded today:
pacman lite; free translator; touch hockey; mazefinger; & jellycar ("driving a squishy car through squishy worlds")

here a banjo instructor, there a banjo instructor...

2008-09-09T12:17:00.003-06:00

poking around the faculty at the old town folk music school here in chicago, there's banjo instructors aplenty. t'da.

Haikus for "Young, Fun Working Professionals"

2008-09-02T14:57:00.004-06:00

THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.
hey. you. "upscale friend".
beer me a PAMA-tini.
i like your business.

IT'S TRUE: THIS PLACE IS THE HIPPEST.
you like "cool music"!
we could play it at a "low
volume". and have fun?

YOU'RE INVITED.
you like marketing?
there's a networking party
in my pants, baby.

IF IT'S PROFESSIONAL, WHY WOULD THEY EVEN HAVE A DANCE FLOOR?
how close is too close
when dancing with someone.
"professionally".

TIRED OF MAKING UPSCALE FRIENDSHIPS?
what the fuck is a
"PAMA-tini"? Let's twitter!
... on, into the night.

WHILE WE'RE UP THERE.
Let's climb some ladders.
I mean actual ladders.
We could paint the trim.

ANYONE WHO'S ANYONE.
Hey! You twitter too?
Did i mention i twitter?
Read my twitter feed.

TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL.
Your boobs look friendly
In that low-cut cocktail dress.
Do you have a blog?

professionalism can only withstand so many PAMA-tinis

2008-09-02T11:50:00.005-06:00

my roommate is nudging me to go to this young professionals networking event.

here are the enticing reasons to attend, as listed in their email invite. their. "e-vite" if you will.

"Enticing" "Reasons":
. Complimentary PAMA-tinis (6 pm - 8 pm) and $3 Miller Lites (all night).
now, i don't know what a "PAMA-tini" is. and i don't know that i want to find out. and i can tell you right now, i want nothing to do with their miller lites.

. Complimentary hors d'oeuvres 6 pm - 8 pm
i guess after two hours of PAMA-tinis, they get a little insulting...har.

. Cool music played at a low volume to facilitate successful business and social networking from 6 pm - 8 pm
"cool music", you say. "low volume", you say... "facilitate", you say.

. Dancing courtesy of nationally renowned DJ Luis Morales beginning at 8 pm
this makes it sound like he will be the one doing the dancing...

. Mixing and mingling with hundreds of young, fun upscale professionals for business contacts as well as friendships

1. why doesn't 'fun' have a comma following it?

2. friendships & business contacts. does this mean they come by with rulers and make sure you're dancing at a 'business appropriate' distance from one another?

let us just say if i go to this thing, it isn't going to be with the intent to make friends... even "upscale" ones. tempting as that is.

so right now i'm taking suggestions for what my alleged profession should be. i am considering the following, but feel free to tell me if i've missed something grand...

potential professions:
1. undertaker
2. illustrator for romance novel covers
3. roller derby manager
4. dog breeder (complimented by a graphic use of vocabulary)
5. actual "climber-of-ladders".
6. taxidermist
7. white collar criminal
8. therapist (that's sure to get some needy attention)
9. art director (i could point to real objects and roll my eyes and say "that's totally photoshopped")
10. beekeeper
11. architect of dreams

the evil eye.

2008-08-25T12:11:00.005-06:00

well folks, something is amiss with my eye. my eyelid, specifically. it is sore and a little pink/puffy. i have spent all morning/afternoon looking up pictures of pink eye.

1. it's safe to say it isn't pink eye.

2. i really wouldn't recommend searching for pink eye pictures online. just trust me.

i have enlisted the help of webmd.com and wrongdiagnosis.com ... has anyone out there ever successfully used these sites? baffling. according to the results from my symptom tracker, it is either eyelid cancer or something i can't pronounce, but enjoy pronouncing as if it were either french or in a perfume commercial. chalazion.

it's got to be something.

i say that, meaning i know it can't be nothing.... eyelids don't just poof up and get sore, do they? it's not even that bothersome. just befuddling. also it does not help that the medical industry (or webmd) has very generic terms for symptoms. very gray-area.

for instance:
'visual deformity'

well, it is kinda pink. does that count? or do i have to look like my man beats me for it to rate as a deformity? and then, how epic a deformity are we talking? stephen hawking? elephant man? tina turner?

it could also be ocullar herpes. but considering i have not been rubbing my eyeball in someone's infected crotch this seems pretty far-fetched.

maybe i am also bad at picking out symptoms. striking from the list now:
'visual deformity' (i'm willing to admit it isn't one.)
'watery eyes' (they were kinda moist yesterday, but then i'm willing to admit i was watching a very emotional season of six feet under with shalini at the time)
'frequent squinting' (i'm willing to admit that's more of a characteristic expression/trait)
'lump or buldge' (slight exaggeration)
'need brighter light to read' (it's kind of dark in the office, since it's rainy outside.)
'jerking eye movements' (i guess i just felt at the time like that happened a lot. further speculation reveals this also has nothing to do with my eyelid.)

doing that, a lot of the scarier afflictions have left the list.

however, among the diseases/etc added to the list are: hay fever, foreign object in eye, broken or damaged eyesocket and some diabetic eyeball thing...

oh well. i guess the world will never know.

eye symptoms i'm glad i don't have:
1. intensely gritty eyes
2. eyelashes falling out
3. blank stare
4. cloudy vision (sounds very melancholy)
5. loss of outside 1/3rd of eyebrow (unintentional)

eye symptoms i kinda wish i had:
1. seeing music notes and words as colors
2. flickering uncoloured zig-zag line in vision

hello again.

2008-08-11T11:16:00.003-06:00

a few points to catch up.

1. i cannot get enough of this hangman app on my iphone. though, infuriatingly enough, there is no categorical hint. so when you have one letter's grace and the word is "_an" or "_ove", you're just screwed.

2. i also cannot get enough of this microbrewery, Magic Hat. their #9 "not-quite pale ale", made with apricots? delicious. also, their packaging tickles my fancy with inventive expiration dates and the equivalent of a fortune cookie fortune under the cap. i think my favourite was, "the universe begins immediately to your left".

3. what is it with eggs benedict in this town? scenario one, i order what is supposed to be the best eggs benedict in the city (if you're to take the menu's word for it - and i wouldn't). the hollandaise is a little bland, the canadian bacon 'fine' but the kicker is this: the english muffin was not toasted. totally raw. yuck. second scenario, same place, i order eggs benedict, telling the waitress to make sure the english muffin is toasted. it winds up being brown about the edges but not at all actually toasted, nor crunchy. my roommate orders a side of english muffins. these english muffins? perfectly crisp and toasty. what gives. the third place - much better eggs benedict. i'd go so far as to say, beautiful eggs benedict. very fresh, bright hollandaise sauce. rich, flavourful, but yes, very bright tasting. and the english muffins? only slightly toasted.

4. the dolphin show at the aquarium. i will elaborate later on this experience. but i have seen it three times now and man, each time is a treasure. (sample quote: "fact or fiction! dolphins love to play!"

signs on 14th st.

2008-04-25T12:27:00.003-06:00

TOO TALL CAKES
$12.00

(first off - how tall is too tall? and is that the reason for the sale? "oh no, we made our cakes too tall! come, take these too tall cakes away for cheap!")

COOK PERSON NEEDED
has been changed to
PERSON NEEDED

(lowered standards? or just gettin' lonely. you be the judge.)

in praise of tetris.

2008-03-17T14:41:00.002-06:00

if only IQ tests would incorporate the friendly, colorful, 2D shapes i know and love from tetris... i can make those motherfuckers fit together any day.

bane of my existence. i can run through them pretty speedily (if i don't panic), but damned be those questions, "what would this object look like if turned like so..."

the fuck do i know what it would look like? they all resemble used/crumpled hairnets to me. from another angle? a used/crumpled hairnet. what's the next shape in the pattern? used/crumpled hairnet.

also, i never know if some of these are mistakes:

by changing the spaces only, "blah blah blah," could be read, "bl ah bl ahblah."

i go ahead and check "false" because spacing wouldn't transform a comma into a period but heaven only knows if that's what they had in mind. am i reading too much into it? i get the creepiest feeling, answering these things. i always picture them writing the questions while twirling their greasy, devious mustache-tendrils. and tenting their fingers all evil-like. they say there's no trick questions. but c'mon. if you were writing these... well, wouldn't you?

i bet it's someone like this guy.

he looks normal and old, but any smart lady will tell you: he is totally out to get you.

not only through questionable details but through the illustration of those 3d or 2d objects.

who even looks at this and doesn't want to die of boredom? i have a hard time even making my eyes stay put on it for more than a second.

on the other hand, this one is almost too cute to analyze. i get all caught up in the adorable pink and the little, bitsy triangles nuzzling at what i can only assume is the 'mommy' shape.

this stuff reminds me of germs or arm-hair from health class books circa 1980-something. gross.

and this style just distracts me with thoughts of buying a new shower curtain.

this makes me think, "man i wish i were eating a cookie right now..."

i guess it's obvious why i clash so strongly with formal education.

anyway...

at the very least, it is unkind to have these blunt-but-sketchy questions just hang there on the page... all smug with no one to answer for them. i have questions. seriously, a whole page of things i wasn't clear on. the rest of my day is going to be spent tracking down some phone number or mailing address.

the results

i did okay; i pulled a 140 on a test, despite a) the rampant ADD, b) not answering a few 3D questions, c) over-analyzing, d) being tapped on the shoulder to edit a few dell spec... and e) answering the last 13 questions in a state of utter paranoia and vexation.

i scored a 159 on iqtest.com. they only give you the one, flat sum and i have a feeling they really pad on the points as a means of swindling you into buying the details. so if you feel like really inflating your ego? i definitely recommend it. do not open your wallet to their flattery, though. like that aesop fable with the crow and cheese. they are based in reno and that is sketchy at best.

...let's go back to the cute triangles.

nonsense.

2008-03-13T22:07:00.004-06:00

besides the obvious disconnects from reality and reason on the part of the My Little Pony people....

...what would a pony want with a scooter? come on now.

unless they are handicapped ponies. or decided now was a good time to waste gas. when they come out with a my little pony in a H3, you just give me a tap. because i will want one of those.

all the kind of skanky makeup and the shoes, that's bad enough. makeup does not belong on ponies. let us get this straightened out...

things that you can (and probably should) put on ponies:
. ribbons
. little hats
. fuzzy blankets
. jingle-bells
. fabio
. daisy chains
. persian kittens (extra points if they are trying so hard not to fall asleep)

things that should never go on ponies
. makeup
. high heels
. bob vila
. pleather
. skinny jeans
. cheap hair extensions
. 'do-rags
. 'bling'
. old cranky asian women
. lululemon
. garth brooks
. presidential candidate mitt romney
. fishnet stocking
. shirts that say "i give myself permission to be sexy"

*i am on the fence as to which list 'woody allen' goes.

proust & ponies.

2008-03-13T12:36:00.005-06:00

as some of you know, i've taken up jogging. this works out pretty well, considering i spend the majority of my day in a chair writing essentially the same words over again. plus, it makes me read stupid fast and i burn trough literature at a freakish rate.

however, it was recently brought to my attention that ladies who run are fantastically gross. there's some merit to that, i'll admit. afterall, there are ladies who run like this:

and this

pretty fairly monstrous. (who runs in skirt, by the way?) running certainly doesn't make you cooler - it all depends on your approach. if you're lame to begin with, running isn't going to do squat. if anything, it'll lead you to adopt this sort of aesthetic:

no fight there. she is clearly smug and unloveable.

but as for myself, i am not lame.

when i go about running, it is more like this:

also, add in the fact i am juggling two translations of proust.

two.

go ahead, do the math.

+

+

sum? pretty darn saucy. you bet.

conclusion: if running was inherently lame - why would ponies do it?

a room with more room.

2008-03-10T11:53:00.000-06:00

after getting multiple, obnoxious "no more memory - delete stuff" messages from my powerbook, someone told me that what i needed was an external hard drive. fortunately, someone from our office was giving theirs away for a mere $50. so i took it. and of course had no idea what to do with it after that.

i guess i was hoping i'd just set the hard drive beside my powerbook and it would go something like this:
powerbook: "oh my gosh, i need you so bad."
external hard drive: "oh my gosh i need you too!"
(amorous merging of technology resulting in more room for my mp3s.)

this was not the case. but i somehow muddled through and managed to lose some real space-consuming files.

things that were hogging my memory:
the adventures of pete & pete
print-quality pdfs of shaggy ponies and baby bunnies
fonts
a mystery folder of downloaded games and doo-dads called Thing-Stuff for Neat Times
retarded ACAD projects
(i don't know why i'm bothering to preserve information design posters but whatever. if anyone wants STD factoids or mint packagings, let me know? i also have a fascinating timeline exhibit. woo.)

in other news
. the sign in front of nick's juicy pizza place has changed to "COOK PERSON NE ED"

. last week my nytimes sunday showed up on wednesday evening. since this week's issue was missing too, i forecast similar results. what do they not understand about the news? it's news ... by wednesday i don't even want it anymore.

. i have a running buddy! for the last four or five gym visits, this little asian dude who reads geological manuals/graphing textbooks takes up the machine next to me. we don't exchange any words, but seeing as we're the only people reading something other than HARD HARD BODIES and SO FREAKIN' TAN magazine, we have developed an unspoken bond. in my head, i call him "wesley".

snail fever.

2008-03-05T11:11:00.004-07:00

they just won't stop doing it.

rabbits have elbowed in on the snail's deserved reputation, as far as i am concerned. those little squishy horn-dogs just can't get enough of each other. every time i look in the fish bowls they've got their squishy parts matched up in what i can only describe as an amorous embrace. for creatures that consist of a shell and a goey foot, they sure know how to get it on.

actually, here. i'll show you. imagine this underwater:

the result is: we have thousands of snails. thousands of baby speck-sized snails.

even the little puritanical snails in lawrence's tank have begun doin' it like it's going out of style. all those long talks about abstinence...

to rectify this in as fair a way as possible i cut two slices of cucumber. one would be the 'death cucumber' (marked with a little x) and one would be the 'life cucumber'. unfortunately the next morning i looked in the bowl and there was only one cucumber. for a second i thought they'd caught on but then rhianna came out of her room and said "yeah i took one out - i thought it was too much cucumber."

sigh. so i've just let them grow. i've tried giving them away to everyone, everywhere, but to no avail. seriously, i am that girl at the gym who says: "hey nice bench press! want a snail?" or "you must work out a lot. you look like you need a bunch of snails." short of marketing what's bound to be an unpopular energy drink, i've tried everything . well, everything but flushing them. for some reason that seems just too cruel. and also i will have nightmares of monster sewer snails.

in the meantime, there's one redeeming feature. the fun thing about baby snails is, they have the remarkable ability to cling to the surface of water (like crawling across the bottom of a glass table). and it's a popular activity. so my new fun game is poking one with a finger while saying "boop!" and making a long whistle as it falls to the bottom. then another. then another. keep in mind this is only really entertaining in the early morning.

in a sad turn of events, despite all this life bursting forth in other tanks/bowls, nixon's snail (gordon snail liddy) has passed away. what the crap. i loved that snail.

craigslist is where the fun lives.

2008-03-04T13:01:00.001-07:00

some odd items on the free list.

TI-83+ Graphing Calculator - BROKEN but may be fixable!
go ahead and calculate the odds that it is.

giant tomato
further description: 2 metre diameter, hollow, fiberglass TOMATO.

hygiene products.
this is particularly sketchy, considering how nondescript and accidental it all appears.
further description: "Hi, i have recently come upon a massive amount of Hygiene Products, Unopened. They range from male/female deodorants, toothpastes, perfumes, hand sanitizer, and body washes."

red converse hightops mens size 5 1/2
... a men's size 5 1/2? no wonder they're free.

free moving boxes
further description: assorted, ordinary moving boxes.
what sets it apart is the guy actually included pictures.

misc items
further description:
assorted cookie tins
assorted cookie cutters
2 baskets ...one decorative gold wire, one for plants
3 decorative candles
a few outdoor Xmas lightbulbs
dustpan and whisk broom
lunch bag
2 plastic serving dishes (never used)
metal lunch box
3 square lids for corning dishes

man, throw in some mis-matched tupperware and single barbie shoes, and it's everything everyone already has and doesn't need.

the great & awesome pee list.

2008-03-03T12:27:00.002-07:00

most of you know that if i were a boy, i would totally pee on just about anything. i thought i'd share with you the highlights. guys, you can borrow some ideas if you want as long as you tell me how great and awesome it was.

the highlights:

. parked convertibles
. dogs
. smart cars
. florence nightingale
. lululemon stores
. every year the art school i attended has a sidewalk art contest. i'd be saving it up for that.
. buffaloes
. lions
. great white sharks
. blue whale
. dolphins (they just seem like they deserve it.)
. anyone on my nixon-style enemy list
. the internet
. a bomb
. a ninja
. the tigris river
. piranhas
. teepees (childish i know, but it has 'pee' in it!)
. mary kay cars
. martin luther king jr. statue (not as a controversial act. just because peeing on things is my dream. i think he'd dig it.)
. lincoln memorial (same kinda reason. abe would give me a thumbs up, i just know.)
. any guy wearing an 'arcade fire' t-shirt
. the washington monument (again, not as a controversial/political act. just as a "neener neener, however phallic you are, you can't pee back")
. the pope-mobile (not with him in it. just the mobile)
. people who are peeing on things i want to pee on.
. ani difranco

the texting debate.

2008-03-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

i thought for everyone's benefit it might be best to break down the rational and irrational aspects of text messaging. i'm on the more extremist end of the anti-text-messaging scale, but i will admit it has its uses. so let's explore them, shall we?

rationality/usefulness
i like to measure the reasonability of something using effectiveness and efficiency to gauge how useful it is.

the cell phone (whatever your personal opinion on them happens to be) is one of the most wildly efficient, effective personal devices in history. it has two great virtues: portability and instantaneousness. instantly being able to communicate with another person through the most immediate medium: vocally. and since they are so portable, this instant communication is always possible (feasible anyway, not accounting for your personal circumstances/appropriateness of place and time)

when text-messaging is rational: leaving a person post-it note sorts of messages like, "i won't be home on time. expect me at 11pm" or "meet me at (address) instead". assuming none of these spur confusion or more conversation, they are very effective and very efficient. unlike leaving a voice message, a person can view the information visually - no re-playing messages so you can make out/write down addresses, phone numbers, etc. and unless their battery dies, they're sure to get it wherever they are, and not wait to retrieve it from some other message receptacle. super useful.

when text-messaging is irrational: whole conversations. text-messaging more than two exchanges on a phone is a major backwards step from possible efficiency. as text-messaging takes a considerable amount of time to accomplish, it takes away from the instantaneousness of a phone's communication potential. much less efficient.

other concerns:

english
we all take our liberties with everyday use of language, but the volume and speed with which text jargon is spreading, infiltrating our language even outside its "appropriate" venue... is alarming. and i don't say this from a point of english puritanism, i say this understanding the long, traceable history of the language (for communication's sake) can't compare with fleeting word trends, humorous amalgamations, contemporary references and language corner-cutting, which don't have the stability of the good ol' king's english. it's the same difference as evolution of one animal a million years ago into its contemporary, and a three-eye frog popping out of a lake, suddenly, due to toxic exposure. you can comfort yourself in knowing you punctuate and take the time to use perfect grammar, but this is only a drop in the bucket if you are receiving/acknowledging text messages from people who don't. either cut it out, or make it clear to people they better clean up their grammar or not bother with texting you at all.

IM vs. Text-Messaging
now one of the arguments presented by my recently converted roommate: it is just like instant messaging over computers.

which seems like a fair comparison, but all in all doesn't hold water. voice-to-voice communication is not the primary use of a computer. in order for a computer to transmit sound instantly there needs to be added features: microphones, voice chat applications and compatibility between two people's software/OS... the technology is still a bother, which you'll understand if you're like me and have ever attempted to voice chat from your mac to a pc. with the hassle of voice chat on the computer, compatibility bugs and the mere fact if you're on a computer you've likely got other things going on besides chatting, IM programs still take the lead in reasonable communication on computers. because of screen size, IM organizational features (convenient tabs, etc) and the ability to reach a higher wpm count on standard keyboards, the IM gets my star of approval in efficiency, effectiveness and overall usefulness. it demonstrates the full usefulness of the computer, whereas text-messaging is a drawback.

which isn't to say people shouldn't do anything irrational. i personally think it's gay, but is only so much worse than dancing. i mean, this is assuming our language doesn't break down...

dum-dee-dum-dee-dum...

2008-03-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

with rhianna in egypt, i am left to my own devices. imagine tom cruise in risky business , only with opera music, an afro and very tiny pancakes.

my own devices
. poof my hair into an afro
. make tiny pancakes. who knows where this idea came from or why it is so fantastic - but believe me that it is.
. washing dishes to different time signatures. alternating 4/4, 3/4, 5/4, etc.
. looking up videos of kittens trying not to fall asleep on youtube. they just try so hard. but they are just too sleepy.
. watching 4 woody allen movies in a row. whew.
. went around the gym with a bottle of white-out, turning the ". . . ." on tanning posters into the appropriate ". . ."
. bounced my basketball a few times (not a euphemism)
. learned how to play 'mandy' on the banjo
. watching tv at kathleen's house. television, oh boy! (not sarcastic)

in the end? i enjoy being on my own (the place is remarkably clean, i get lots of sleep, i can listen to classical music to my heart's desire...) but there is just no replacement for coming home and curling up on the sofa with someone for a disc or two of sweet, sweet x-files.

rhianna, my dear sweet dude, you are missed big time.

new trends in humour by me.

2008-02-22T13:45:00.003-07:00

quoth the raven
example: "quoth the raven: blow me", "quoth the raven: shut up", "quoth the raven: told you so".

redundancy
example: "ten dollars cash money!", "what? you must be high off of drugs you took to get high", "blow me in the penis"

split words into odd but defining pairings
example: instead of saying "kittens", say "baby cats".

spam

2008-02-19T20:02:00.002-07:00

subject lines for penile enhancement emails that will fool any filter:

your flying saucer will delight the harshest of alien critics.

corn on the cob that'll win first place at her county fair.

send your petite stranger on his way.

they'll never doubt your commitment to "sparkle motion".

your new testament provides a rigid interpretation of the bible.

like a tree, planted by the water - your equal rights protester will not be moved.

no one will ask your rosa parks to sit in the back of the bus.

a big dose of chemotherapy for your love cancer.

you just sit in it, right?

2008-02-13T17:51:00.003-07:00

question: how do i know i'm working in a company so presentation-happy that they will indulge a presentation on just about anything?
answer: i was invited to a presentation called "how to use your chair".

question: am i going to this?
answer: you bet i am.

i even prepared the following list of essential chair questions:

"okay...where does the butt go?"

"how is it supposed to feel? use metaphors please."

"what are the long-term spiritual repercussions? for my butt that is."

"in your professional opinion should my bottom feel a) cradled, b) cupped, c) embraced, d) snuggled or e) supported but that's all?"

"what is the black-market value of each chair? just curious. also how many can i fit into a standard U-Haul? in theory."

"will my chair get upset if i sometimes sit in other chairs?"

"are you hired solely to give chair presentations? do you have any openings."

a list of presentations one can probably expect down the road:
why you put things on top of your desk (not under)

how floors work

opened windows and closed windows - understanding the difference

the standard office lightswitch and you

how to operate a toilet with automatic-flush

how plates work

culinary interest: 4-part series on poptarts (pamphlets and powerpoint decks available for download)

your phone rings! find out what to do next.

you have a sandwich! find out what to do next.

unraveling the mystery behind buttons, zippers and buckles.

how to read your digital clock.

if i were a whale, you just know i would too.

2008-02-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

as you're probably mostly aware, there have been several accounts of undersea internet cables being cut. five of them from egypt to malaysia.

there are the usual suspicious sources and none of them are pretty:

. krakens awake in a united desire for mango juice or egyptian "lemoon"
. the united states government is up to no good
. the israeli government is up to no good
. underwater lumberjacks' judgment is impaired by pollution
. the internet cables killed themselves while struggling to disentangle from plastic bags
. whales are very spiritual animals. obviously they hate facebook
. divers who didn't study, mistake the signal for "out of air" (<--seriously, go see! that dude is trying to be david hasselhoff so hard.)
. what has two thumbs and also might have cut the internet cables?

this guy.

(*img borrowed from apparently ships can drag anchors from egypt to malaysia)

there is one word for this weather.

2008-01-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

"godforsaken."

you might, maybe, want to re-think that...

2008-01-28T12:16:00.001-07:00

nick's pizza delivery (billboard): "COOK PERSON WANTED"

some chick's lululemon bag: "children are the orgasm of life"
{show of hands, who thinks this is not totally revolting? besides, actual orgasms are the orgasms of life.}

heath ledger: the funky-cheeked man from down under goes even down-underer

2008-01-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

i am willing to temporarily eschew all qualms and grudges against aussies for a post, in order to mourn the passing of heath ledger.

he had one of those accents, yes. but he was very good at masking it in american films - let this be a known virtue to all you aussies. and man, did i enjoy that pokey-cheeked, sad-eyed face of his. i thought his face was going to be the new old, freckled tommy lee jones, twenty years down the road...

the news reports haven't been specific about what exactly he OD'd on, but here are my guesses:

1. awesomeness
2. capsules of liquid man-beauty
3. ColdFX

sigh.

oh, heath ledger. we were with you from furry battle-panties acting to engaging in hot mountain man love. all of it, a treasure. to me. now look at this an have a moment of silence.

yet another reason i hate australians.

2008-01-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

dear australia;

it's a good thing you're on the other side of the planet, because i would seriously fuck you up right now. like 'dump-buckets-of-agitated-lobsters-down-your-underpants' fuck you up.

sincerely,
me.

vote a made-up word into the dictionary.

i mean first of all, voting words into the english language seems to turn the usefulness of dictionary updates into some sort of trivial game - it is no longer about word functionality, but instead becomes some kind of giggly, word-popularity contest. on the internet, of all places. the internet . where people make the dumbest decisions, whether out of stupidity, boredom or idleness. and you're letting them maim the english language with the wave of a mouse.

second: why are you bothering to include slang in a dictionary? simply because you can look it up and snicker? it's slang. it's a passing fancy, a fleeting trend. not something to be printed and preserved. it exists only out of popular usage, which will die out. let it exist as long as it's thrown around, and then let it go quietly into the night like all little phrases with expiration dates. you can't tell me "floordrobe" has staying power...

how's this for a word: ass-tralians (noun. everyone who resides in australia or adheres to their awful ideas. also, people who drunkenly imitate their nasal, hyper-lilting accents and basically deserve underpants full of agitated lobsters.)

just so you know, you could have something cool like this:

but nope. no lobster phone. only unpleasantness for you.

in search of lost new york times.

2008-01-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

it doesn't seem to me that paper delivery is so hard. you get the papers weekly, you deliver them to people on a list, who've paid for them. for whatever reason, my nytimes sunday paper delivery has been going monstrously, awfully wrong.

about five weeks in a row - no paper

while i'm away for christmas - my roommate claims there was one paper

week after that - no paper

week after that - no paper

i make complaints.

last sunday - received two issues

yesterday - received another copy of last week's issue

today - no paper

what the fuck, nytimes sunday. what the fuck.

tasteless: sugary pursuits of those who should probably consider a degree in accounting.

2008-01-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

if anyone deserves your charity it is bakers who engage in artistic baking hoo-ha sculpting. here are some prime examples of why they need some art classes under their belts.

i believe this is an african american woman holding a banner of bacon and buttercups?

minus one thousand points for taste.

more resembles some unfortunate soul's upside-down inflamed testicles either with parasites escaping or just a bad foray into pube-dying experiments.

here it is in context. any better? nope.

i... don't even know.

i think this is winnie the pooh humping a giant snail in a circle of oysters, but don't quote me on that one.

that's someone's birthday cake. apparently. happy birthday indeed. some people make jell-o and coolwhip look classy.

christmas: season of despair, just short of spiraling into cannibalism.

2007-12-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

the holidays are fast-approaching your gentle author (me) and, because i am no stranger to whining, i'll be detailing the supposed highlights of this visit. to give you a fair first impression: do you recall the raft of the medusa .

involves:

. avoiding talking about my personal life in any aspect. i will bring home some mechanical pencils that say my company's name, and distribute them in place of "kaylen's life" details. which always spiral into the sad task of familiarizing my mother with my ever-continuing dislike of the notion of marriage. also, as a side battle––children. reminding her i have adopted a strict "you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" philosophy for my ladywomb.

. pretending to like "fun" gifts from my mother: ie fuzzy gloves in "kooky" colors, theme socks (current catalogue to date includes '"kiss me!" frogs', 'smiley-face daisys ' and a dozen others i have managed to leave behind or discard along the way), and the ever-popular christian reminders (jesus calendars which say, "always in my heart", etc.)

. smiling around my extended family who have adopted the notion that for several reasons, i don't "deserve christmas". last year i didn't deserve christmas presents from anyone. this year they strongly believe i don't deserve to be home for christmas. why? because i don't go home often enough.

. wearing longsleeve shirts, constantly, to hide my punctuation tattoos.

. as protective as i have become of making holiday dinners, my family seems even more enthusiastic about slaughtering my attempts toward a delicious meal. either they beat me to the punch, pad my traditional meal with nonsense additions like stromboli and teriyaki chicken, or they find some way to do away with it entirely. this year, my mother's highschool friend "denny" is being paid to "cater" the "meal". i find i can't even say "denny" without scare quotes. you think "caterer" implies "nice". well, it doesn't. who the fuck caters christmas dinner, first of all. what kind of caterer isn't busy on christmas (yes, i know this is a little conflicted). and what kind of talent could he possibly possess, having lived his entire life in the rusting, cultural wasteland that is western pennsylvania.

there are other things to whine about. my father fighting constantly with my brother, my mother getting upset and crying because she doesn't "touch me" enough, crying because even when i'm there i can't help cringing when she hugs me (i'm sorry, it's an asperger's thing), my parents fighting with each other in the way that involves my mother crying and my father leaving the room to obsessively load the dishwasher - or re-load the dishwasher, as i never do it right. ("the spoons will nest!")...and being surrounded by my mother's gaudy taste in christmas decorations. she has a thing for fibre optics...

anyways. happy holidays, dudes.

annual winter show & sale review

2007-12-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

finally posted some time after the fact...

this year's ACAD show&sale will be coming to you sans images. i know, it's sad, but with my brother in town i wasn't mindful of the usual routine. i'll bring a camera to the spring show&sale, i promise. for now, enjoy luxurious, verbal descriptions.

this year's favourites include:

1. painting of flying elephants.
2. what appeared to be a close-up of a hermaphrodite butt.
3. a curious amount of seahorse-themed work.
4. portrait of an old naked guy with really droopy man-bosoms.

then there were all the usual jmi hendrix fan arts and all the awful paintings that were too horrible to sell last year. ah, hope springs eternal.

noteworthy:
i broke two paintings. not on purpose, i turned around, bumped into one and due to the shoddy way they're all resting precariously on pegs or leaning against other crappy art, it set off a chain reaction. two men lay dead on the field, frames scattered. there's no way to be sure they're destroyed as i bolted when the volunteer came over and said, "i think i can get these frames back on".

just another sad glove song. (plus freaky-but-nice update which isn't so sad.)

2007-12-12T09:16:00.001-07:00

another old unpublished-til-now post.

so my pretty white gloves are no longer a happy pair. due to my sleep sensitivities and actually having dreams where i replace my alarm clock... i have downloaded a mac alarm applicaiton that launches and plays a list from my i-tunes. i picked out some nice songs that wake me up slowly (yo la tengo's "black flowers" and beirut's "elephant gun" are favorites. it also helps that music is nothing i have to hurry out of bed to turn off.

this has worked splendidly for about a week until i-tunes randomly asked me to upgrade. i woke up 40mins late yesterday morning. an in running for the bus one of my gloves must have dropped. it is nowhere. god knows how cute or how white it is either.

not that any of that really matters, i am just peeved at how many things i'm losing this week.

lost:
. my new id/access card (twice)
. keys (would have been lost but rhianna found them in one of her shoes)
. yoga top
. button
. coby (our $30 DVD player - actually he died but. that is still lost)

acquired
. fixed and cleaned coffee grinder thanks to lou - who actually opened & repaired it on his office desk...
. a basic comprehension of Norwegian

UPDATE
found my glove. it was laying across the seat of the bus stop bench two days later. the strange thing is, it wasn't there the day before and for all my wondering, i can't fathom how it got there. the most likely conclusion at this point? fairies. i posted this anyway, because... c'mon "another sad glove song"... that's an awesome title.

lame animals = pollution.

2007-12-12T09:09:00.001-07:00

in an office presentation on living greener, great care was taken to impress on us the dangers to the environment that are... (drumroll)... plastic shopping bags.

most of you understand that i'm a firm believer landfills will save us all. when landfills get gigantic they squish them down, cover them with turf and build condos on top of them. these rising landscapes are a pretty awesome defense against those rising sea levels, people.

of course if you present any rational argument that plastic bags are just fine, people will a)think you're in league with satan and b)refer you to lame internet links.

some misleading "facts" as presented by an organic grocery store's website:

"Plastic bags create pollution and kill wildlife in the USA every day of the year." (this seems to be written by a five year old for a school report. how much more vague can you be than "create polution" and "kill wildlife every day of the year"? what wildlife and how many, morons.)

"Over 100,000 birds, whales, seals and turtles worldwide are killed by plastic rubbish every year." (note how it says "plastic rubbish" not "plastic bags". ooooh, tricky.)

when i said i wanted actual facts i was also directed to a 'map' showing the are of the ocean fallen to plastic pollution, which was actually a picture of a map with a big drawn circle saying "PLASTIC RUBBISH!" which is not "science" or "fact", and clearly took someone all of 2 minutes in MS Paint.

websites show only only a stuffed pelican that was allegedly choked by a plastc bag:

and two animals that had cuts because they had been tangled in plastic bags. note: they were still very much alive. some even seem to enjoy it.

aw, he likes it.

further, the perks of being an animal include: sharp nails, teeth, heightened sense of direction, and super-flexible spines in a lot of cases. if you can't find your way out of a plastic bag with that kind of natural equipment, that is obviously a sign you aren't living up to standards. survival of the fittest, dudes. i sure don't want those lame animals cluttering up my world. that's pollution of its own sort.

mooooordoooooor.

2007-11-02T10:04:00.000-06:00

have you ever mistaken me as someone who plays world of warcraft? out of nowhere i was bumped onto a project involving world of warcraft. i promise you that i know jack-all about this game. asking people who do is not helpful as they immediately launch into spiels of unintelligible game-relate jargon.

as a stress reliever before the crit i went about pestering geeks, pretending to have it confused with lord of the rings. "can we add in some hobbits for warmth?" or consulting a guy from work, for example...

me: hey how's this for a World of Warcraft headline:
"YOUR QUEST BEGINS... in Mordor"

mike: Mordor is not a place in WoW lore.

{seriously, dudes, he said "lore"...}

me: what? no it totally is. i remember the mountains and the floating eyeball thing....

mike: here is a map of WoW
http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/info/flashmap/
Mordor is lord of the rings

me: well, same thing.

mike: negative

me: potayto/potahto, my friend.

also here is the long-promised photo from kathleen's wedding... in mooooordooooor.

(click for larger img)

something wicked-cool this way comes (a grossly belated halloween special)

2007-11-01T08:51:00.000-06:00

simple, better ideas to get the most out of halloween:

trick or treat: use trick-or-treating more efficiently. for example, an excuse to clean out your closet. i know we have some old CDs, socks and towels that probably should be drug out to the corner. why bother, when obnoxiously expectant children come knocking on your door with big bags?

"trick or treat, huh? here's a broken pc monitor."

costume contest: judging children isn't wrong. how could it be? especially when they line up outside in gay little costumes. gay.

princess = ultimate unoriginality
hobo = you were too lazy to get a real costume
bumblebee = you will probably be a virgin until you die
cat = either you'll get knocked up before you graduate or you'll wind up with a lonely apartment full of kitties and an overwhelming meg ryan dvd collection.

carve pumpkins: into something more interesting than pumpkins.

what the world needs now is sleep. sweet sleep.

2007-10-30T13:49:00.000-06:00

or at least i do.

besides drowsily just walking right on to the wrong bus this morning and not realizing my error until 15mins later, i am having issues with conversational autopilot. i usually have some stock responses that i just blurt out when i'm too sleepy to actually formulate custom sentences all my own...

today this system is out of whack.
for example, i pass the guy i intern under in the hall as he is struggling with his hoodie.

him: i'm having sweater issues.
myself: (not thinking) oh, aren't we all.

he looks at me strangely. oh dear. i'm not wearing a sweater and that made no sense at all.

me: (desperate last-minute addition) I mean... deep down.

sometimes i wonder if it's all worthwhile...

2007-10-29T10:03:00.001-06:00

it's not news that going to concerts is an imposition on my socially delicate (or indelicate) nature. all the things i hate congeal in front of the stage: dancing, people who feel empowered by music sing along, and lot of isgusting hair flying around (whether it's in the form of swinging dreadlocks that smell and look like dead puppies, or some hipster chick's horsey ponytail). there have also been instances of standing behind the one guy who isn't wearing deodorant, and of course the usual couples who assume the metronome dance (guy stands behind girl, wraps his arms around her and they swing left to right from the waist in unison. like a metronome. you get it...)

concert #1 - weakerthans reunion tour:
so distracted by horrible hippies around us, i remember all of ten seconds of song. like cats, the dreadlocked, patchouli sects of the college can sense i don't like them. i am of course the only person at this concert who is smushed between three dreadlocked, dancing freaks. gross. also a girl who danced "like she's being remote controlled by aliens."

concert #2 - final fantasy:
we knew it would be a hipster's wet dream, and sure enough the combination of black and white striped shirts crowded in one area kind of had an MC Escher effect... pressing closer to the stage it was also the dream of one guy who didn't wear deodorant (yeah that's the one...gross). we finally make our way beyond him, to the side, and i get stuck behind a guy who shifts from left to right so drastically that i have to swing in reverse just to see anything. there was less singing to the difficult-to-follow lyrics, but man oh man.

concert #3 - sunset rubdown:
last night - somewhat nightmareish.

broken city fills up with fans and it gets extremely hot, stuffy, crowded and the air was quickly depleted of all usable oxygen; stripped down to a dizzying form of warm grandmother-smelling gas by the time it got to our needy little lungs.

it also started extremely late. despite being told our band would probably take the stage some time around 10:30, the first of two opening bands began at 10. sunset rubdown didn't take the stage until about midnight. the first two were not enjoyable and the lead singer of the first really made me concerned for his vocal chords. i really want to make that man some soothing chammomile tea and stress the virtues of proper phrasing. we all know what happened to bob dylan.

and there we were, standing still in a sea of hipsters dancing like someone was attempting to re-animate their corpses through the use of significant volts of electricity. one girl especially, whose pony-tail kept hitting me in the face, had a freakishly stiled mechanical twitch that tossed her boobs around like she was some government robot with one purpose: fierce, painful jiggle-ry as a result of rapid, stiff side-to-side jerks and wrenching motions.

also noteworthy that the guy in front of me was dancing so spastically that it a) felt like he was humping me with his ass, and b) would inevitably lead to a midnight run to the hospital for skull collisions.

there are also the very personal impositions. example: a horrible little photographer who kept budging in front of us. she and the robotic jiggle-tron were in cahoots. the robot convinced her we would let her through if she asked nicely. why? because she has a camera? god no. i saw her cheesy motion-blur band photography. that was not happening. she asks if she can nudge in front and starts moving like we've already agreed.

i say, whoa... wait just a second. does your camera have a zoom lense?

um...no. well kind of but not really.

well. that's not our problem.

we go back to watching while she stands there looking in disbelief at the jiggle-tron.

honestly, the primary function of a concert is to provide music to attendees. not to provide a crappy photo portfolio to pathetic first year photo students. i think i had an easier time than rhianna, for once. usually she's the one half-singing and swaying while i stand there with my arms folded, scowling at people... this time it was half the opposite. not that i wasn't standing there with my arms folded, not that i was singing (i wasn't), but she was particularly complaintive and miserable.

we both have flashes where we strongly consider just staying home and playing albums very loudly...

click.

2007-10-22T09:19:00.000-06:00

i'm never satisfied with how i leave people. goodbyes are such an awkward, uphill battle.

in person, on the phone... i'm not even sure which one is worse or more difficult. on the phone i try and deploy a little information followed by "bye". "i am going to do laundry now. goodbye." unfortunately, if the other person makes a comment regarding what i'm doing or just carries on one tidbit of conversation beyond this, i'm totally screwed and it turns into an awkward, panicking "well...okay, bye."

how do people say goodbye? i've tried

see you
goodbye
goodnight/day (work but sometimes i am distracted and get them mixed up- not often, but it happens and i'd like to avoid that)
take care (creepy?)
have a nice ___ (sounds incredibly false and a lot of times i second guess the last word and halt mid-phrase. doesn't help.)

it's hard to pick up anything from the media.

on television: they don't do it at all. phone conversations are the worse, ending on random lines like "yeah i can come for dinner." and then they just snap their cell shut. one, i cannot snap anything shut, since i don't have a cell phone and two, it strikes me as unusually hostile to slam a phone down. i attempted this one time on the phone with rhianna, but i may or may not have spoiled it with "i am going to do that television hangup-thing now!" i slammed the phone down and then immediately felt like i'd hit a kitten. i looked at the phone waiting for some kind of response.

in books: they rarely mention this part, or if they do it's in a clever sort of last line fashion that is impossible to carry out in real life without looking like a total twat.

in person: unless i listen in on other people's conversations, this doesn't work either, obviously, because i'm involved in the conversation myself. i'm involved and making it awkward. also worth noting: sometimes people take my goodbye strategy and i'm left empty-handed.

i've smoothed out so many social awkwardnesses (i think only rhianna's seen enough to lump into any sum of what a social retard kaylen is?), but it doesn't seem to matter all that much when you're this lousy at last impressions.

oh, those poor people...

2007-10-16T11:26:00.000-06:00

i came across this little gem of a sentence in the nytimes this sunday. let it be a lesson to everyone who is reckless with 'and' sentence structures.

About 100 wild elephants converged on a river island in northeast India and were demolishing homes, feasting on sugar cane and panicking residents, officials said Saturday.

hee. i actually looked up for a moment at rhianna and said, puzzled, "I didn't know elephants ate pe– oh. oh wait."

(whole article here : elephants )

this land is our land.

2007-10-15T12:19:00.000-06:00

coincidentally, today is 'national grouchy day' as well as 'blog action day'. in order to celebrate both, i am attempting to take the ultra-earth-huggy list on hippie-o-rama and, well, do what i do.

right off the bat: unless you're doing something big like curing cancer or making a time machine, it doesn't matter how many little things you do. "smile and smile back"? whose idea of "better" is that? not mine. and people are still dying of AIDS, so there. once you embrace that, continue with the rest of the list.

making the world a better place for you and me:
1. read children Harry Potter. then teach them the word "bullshit".

2. leave the shower running all day. you'll develop some kind of empathy for people living in brazil. also, the world needs cleaner pores.

3. kill poachers. save sharks.

4. ask for things triple-bagged at the grocery store. those landfills they cover with grass and build condos on? they are the only defense we have against rising water.

5. settle mars.

6. learn a little about music and throw stones at bad musicians. like the arcade fire.

7. get a hummer. drive into the sea and kill dolphins.

8. flush the toilet before you sit down, one during, and once after. cleanlines is next to godliness.

9. order big, heavy things from the furthest reaches of the world. the sooner we run out of gas, the sooner people will get cracking on better alternative energy sources. like volcanoes or bees. no one takes windmills seriously. who would? maybe heidi and her beloved grandfather, but that's it.

10. go whaling.

11. do the pandas a favour. they don't want to breed. go ahead and feed them to a more awesome species like tigers who wanna do it like crazy.

12. one word: dinosaurs.

13. destroy native culture. the last thing the world needs is ugly indian art.

14. invite a time machine already, dudes.

games i am holding out for:

2007-09-28T10:23:00.000-06:00

banjo hero
glockenspiel hero
harpsichord hero
flute hero
marimba hero
ocarina hero
washboard hero
spoons hero
cello hero
found object rhythm hero

a menu of unmentionables.

2007-09-26T18:39:00.000-06:00

(context: after i was accused of being old)

Me: dear robert.
please eat a bag of dicks.
sincerely, me.
Robert: HEY
Me: a bag. full. of dicks. :`)
Robert: You like to eat dickcereal. dicks in milk
Me: you like to eat dicks on toast.
Robert: you like to eat dicks on a stick
(like pogos)
(with mustard ... lots of mustard)
Me: you like to eat fresh-from-the-garden dicks
with hidden valley dressing.
Robert: ugh, you like to eat...pickled dicks
Me: you like to eat colonel's special recipe dicks.
with 14 secret spices.
Robert: Yeah? Well you like to eat dick tacos, with extra special sour cream (hint: it's not really sour cream).
Me: oh snap
Robert:(but it's still white and gooey)
Me:you like to eat tim horton's muffin-full-of-dicks.
with a big steaming cup of tim horton's dicks.
Robert: You like to eat deep fried dick, with dickjuice dipping sauce, and dick pop (biggy sized)
Me: you like greasy breaded dick with a side of curly dicks and a Big Gulp of dicks from the gas station next door..
Robert: You like chinchilla dick.
Me: !
Robert: A delicacy among dick dishes
(with dick sauce, of course)
Me: you like dick purple stuff. you don't even hold out for the Sunny Dick.
Robert: You like dick fingers, with creamy dick dipping sauce, and then you like to like your fingers afterwards, savouring the dick flavour.
Me: you like to sit out on your dick porch an drink a cool glass of dick-ade and reminisce about all the times you ate dick.
Robert: You like dicks-in-a-can, discount style. With dick-sauce-in-a-can. Pump-style... pump it, and the cream comes out (and you eat it, which you love to do).

the best things in life are close to sea level.

2007-09-24T10:42:00.000-06:00

ah, the mountains. cleavage of the earth. like the over-amplified bosom of some aging starlet, a wedding in banff has left me wondering how anyone could find those gigantic mounds of landscape (gigantic COLD landscapes) attractive. freakishly large, yes. but beautiful?

maybe the people of the plains are just excited about any landscape that isn't the same for about 50miles? though it's not even necessarily more interesting land. it's just...higher up land. colder land. land full of bears. and more tourists than either the mountains or bears know what to do with.

oh, the tourists. unlike cities, where you have a percentage of tourists and a percentage of locals, you just look at the mountains and know anyone you could possibly run into up there, will inevitably be a tourist. i assume it's too cold for squatting hippies and criminals.

anyhow. to celebrate my appreciation of the short, i bring you an especially cute kitten with unusually stubby legs.

(i know, i posted a youtube video. just click on it already. it's a kitten, for goodness sakes.)

your needs are white noise to my ears.

2007-09-20T11:43:00.000-06:00

i used to be the ideal cat owner. really, i was very attentive and diligent to every pet following the great guinea pig death-sweep of 3rd grade. even when hippo was a tiny kitty, left to me by runaway roommate, i was right on top of things. what has happened that i am such a self-absorbed ignorer of cats these days? sure, i pet him and play with him, but this morning when i was growing increasingly frustrated with hippo (the meowing, the circling of ankles, the constant under-foot-ness) i was just about ready to fling the black bastard out the window when i realized...

"oh. you have no water..."

i would like it if this had been the first and only instance of its kind this week. but it's not.

time to write a "does the kitty need water?" post-it.

pears away.

2007-09-17T18:04:00.001-06:00

when we moved into the apartment, one of the most attractive features were the delicate blossoms covering the tree just outside our big livingroom window. it was like a sculptural element of our actual apartment, that added pretty-value. we were very sad to see those blossoms wither up and fall away. and curious when, from the empty boring branches, out sprung little green globules which our landlord kept insisting were "pears".

as with the blossoms, these "pears" have been growing ripe. all at once. and (unlike the flowers which did something lovely like dancing away in the breeze)they have been plopping on our hideous plastic awnings with THUNK! sounds. maybe that doesn't sound bad, because "thunk" is a somewhat comedic word. to be more specific, it is a sound halfway between a gunshot and an angry knock on a door. maybe more toward the gunshot end. now imagine that happening several times within a minute.

hippo (kitty) is staying with us while peter's family is staying with them. he likes sitting on the back of the sofa and making whiney vibrato noises at the squirrels. when a pear hits the awning he falls off the sofa and slinks around with his ears drawn back. unfortunately there is no way to tell a cat, "oh, it's just the pears.

inspiron lover

2007-09-14T08:50:00.001-06:00

strangest/dirtiest customer review of a desktop i've found to date:

PROS:
Nice monitor. Decent performance for the price. This is a good computer for a bedroom.

CONS:
Everyone in my family wants to be on it.

was this comment helpful? i wouldn't say "helpful" so much as, "revealing". you don't want to swing a black light around their keyboard, i tell you what.

on taste.

2007-09-11T11:24:00.000-06:00

no matter how discerning, people tend to have flaws. i know i have mine: i like to stick things up my nose and i like really immature humour.

but unless people are mind-blowingly dull to begin with, there tends to be a definitive point of conversation where they deviate from everything cool and totally, completely, lose my respect. i swear everyone gets by so far and then they say one of three things.

1) "but harry potter has kids reading again!"

2) "i'm not religious, but i'm spiritual."

3) "i loved life of pi!"

note: some people have attributes that compensate for their respective statement. usually, it's enough to drive me away completely.

at the red hot center of marketing and advertising...

2007-08-28T22:58:00.000-06:00

charts!

i made my first marketing chart based on the content in boring charts.

mine, i hope you will find, is less like some clinical diagram of ineffectual birth control methods, or that pipe dreams screensaver.

...what else is there to say, besides, "ta da"?

feelings are boring. fight clubs are awesome.

2007-08-09T16:51:00.000-06:00

so i went to a certain someone's blog today. someone very high up in my company, in a different branch. it had "Logic + Emotion" as the title, written in gigantic, ooshy-skooshy letters at the top. seriously, "emotion"? i ask you this: what is wrong with marketers today?

another blog fwd'd around the company this AM featured the writer practicing tai chi in front of classical statues.

it's like they're the new hippies. only more educated-you think they'd know better, frankly. i didn't expect this from you guys. i sure, sure didn't. where is the machiavellian spirit i'd expected when i got into this industry? where is the barbarian survival tactics? more importantly, what's with all this 'hug each other to buy stuff' crap?

get it together, man. get it together.

start a fight club or something. eat more red meat. let's BBQ and smash beer cans and talk about how tobacco should be marketed to fetuses. whatever it takes to drown out your currently prevalent inner Florence Nightingale.

things that make you go, "oh snap!"

2007-08-08T16:15:00.000-06:00

my new most-favourite web banner in the world.

oh no they di-in't.

don't talk to me mom, i'm a murderer!

2007-08-01T15:36:00.000-06:00

if you didn't know that i was a horrible person already, here's some news for you. you can now chalk up "pigeon-murderer" among my other cold-hearted assets.

here's a picture of the state of rhianna's windows when we moved into the apartment. yes, our apartment building is one of the many blessed with pigeons. pigeons upon pigeons upon pigeons. who fancy ripping the window screens and having multiple, hideous pigeon progeny. sometimes. sometimes the eggs don't hatch and simply sit around attracting bugs. hooray.

so yesterday, rhianna and i found a pigeon huddled in the corner of the back balcony/fire-escape, we didn't hesistate to shoo the little bastard away. well that was no ordinary bastard. it was a mommy bastard. two little eggs sat in that nest. that nest full of parasites and blossoming bird diseases. we didn't want to just sweep the nest away, since there are cars parked below... so we threw the eggs off into the great beyond, swept out the branches, disease, etc...

two minutes later, our neighbour is pounding on our back door, completely mortified that we could do such a thing to little baby pigeons. the diseased, terrible, micro-infestation of pigeons that we eliminated. he seemed like he was trying to make some point about how either we didn't pay rent (what kind of deal does he think we have with adam?) or how the pigeon paid rent... he gave up and left, simply telling us we were "cold-hearted".

yeah, like the paula abdul song.

i have to note, rhianna was the one confronting him at the door. i honestly wanted to step in, but i didn't think laughing in his face would make matters any better.

we have this bad feeling that since he's the resident plumber...we may have screwed ourselves over.

dudes! (a delightfully educational timeline of my favourites)

2007-07-23T14:04:00.000-06:00

* 1898 - Some Dudes Can Fight , an early silent film in which a Bowery young man starts a fight with another gentleman

* 1889 - Three Men in a Boat (to say nothing of the dog) by Jerome K. Jerome refers to dudes: "It is the town of showy hotels, patronized chiefly by dudes and ballet girls."
(this happens to be one of my top favourite books, by the bye.)

* 1933 - The Dude Bandit, a western in which Tod 'Ace' Carter Hoot Gibson defeats the evil moneylender Al Burton Hooper Atchley.

* 1962 - The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, western in which Lee Marvin uses the term repeatedly, especially toward Jimmy Stewart.
(what we all knew anyway. jimmy stewart: a dude.)

* 1973 - Dude, a musical by Galt MacDermot.

* 1985 - Less Than Zero (written by Brett Easton Ellis) is first to use the overused phrase, "No way, dude!", and the first mainstream display of dude having crossed the gender barrier. In a noteworthy scene a young woman tells her mother, "No way, dude."

* 1989 - On February 17, 1989 Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, introduced Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter as Ted Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esq., two righteous band dudes, bringing dude to an even wider audience. Ted uses the word "dude" 10 times in the first 15 minutes, and doesn't ever let up. The next day on February 18 the first segment of the "Wayne's World" skit aired on Saturday Night Live.

i think i'll end the timeline on that note. does it ever get any better than bill & ted? no way, dude.

Marty Neumeier: you know how I know you’re gay?

2007-07-22T14:58:00.000-06:00

quotes from the book the bra nd gap
(obviously titled by a man unfamiliar with the term "see-say")

"If it’s not innovative, it’s not magic" (thanks for that, doug henning...)

"When everybody zigs, zag"

"Law of the jungle: survival of the fittingest"

"By asking left-brainers and right-brainers to work as a team, you bridge the gap between logic and magic. With collaboration, one plus one equals eleven."
(maybe that's what you learned in your gay math class...)

"For successful precedents to creative collaboration, look to Hollywood, silicon valley, and the cathedral buildings of the renaissance."
(the renaissance. right. do that. that sounds totally and completely heterosexual.)

"Your business is not an entity but a living organism. Ditto your brand. Alignment, not consistent, is the basis of a living brand."
(you know how I know you’re gay? You say, “ditto”.)

"A living brand is a never-ending play, and every person in the company is an actor. People see the play when they experience the brand and then they tell others."

gay features in the book:
incredibly obvious pictures illustrating his points. “branding is the traction!” (picture of a car wheel with a big white arrow pointing to the bottom of the tires.)

references Gershwin’s rhapsody in blue
(everyone knows only assholes in semi-luxury, yellow cars reference Gershwin.)

he suggests I add his ‘take-away notes’ to the bottom of emails. yeah, that's not going to happen.

simply wrong/simply gay:
"Our brains filter out irrelevant information"
(yeah right. then why do I know so much about the marianis trench and that tiger pheromones smell like theater-style popcorn?)

He also keeps suggesting you move to a “tribe”

seriously, what kinda crack...

the real question is: why don't diamond smugglers use chipmunks in hot air balloons more often?

2007-07-17T09:46:00.000-06:00

things that do not make sense about the chipmunk adventure movie:

the basics
. man with undetermined (and awesome) career adopts and raises three chipmunks.

. turtlenecks, the likes of which i've never seen in real life

. there is no difference between chipmunks and people, besides the little nose

. the girl chipmunks don't seem to have a home/guardian. yet seem to regard dave none the less.

plot peculiarities

. wealthy diamond smugglers plotting illegal distribution in a soda shop-slash-arcade.

. wealthy diamond smugglers thinking it's a good idea to hand over millions of dollars in diamonds and cold, hard, thousand-dollar-bill cash to chipmunks (who also happen to be children).

. wealthy diamond smugglers who think chipmunks in hot air balloons are a feasible method for carrying out diamond/money exchange.

. simon's random and sudden ability to translate what the fiji natives are saying.

. chipmunk children's sudden ability to man, maintain and repair hot air balloons.

. facial expressions that defy all anatomical logic

. why an agent of interpol has gold teeth, is wearing a white dinner jacket, bowtie and rose. unless this interpol office is somewhere deep in havana.

. why snakes would be attracted to chipmunk ladies

clause and claudia? you are visionaries. creepily incestuous, visionaries of the diamond-smuggling industry. but let's face it, you deserved to get tossed in the can.

note: why do i not have some turtleneck that covers me, neck to toe, with my first initial on it?

there are worse things i could do

2007-07-16T19:12:00.000-06:00

inspired by rhianna's list

at least i am not:

1. toting around babies that i regret or everyone suspects i secretly regret. no babies.

2. a crazy sea captain with ugly business cards

3. a crazy cat lady/crazy candle lady/lady who likes meg ryan and jokes about meenstruation

4. a tense-jawed martial arts fanatic

5. riddled with the onset of menopause

6. a girl with a tail or job at a zoo

7. ashamed or even uncomfortable with my coffee addiction. it's all peachy.

8. in the cateogory of people who a) haven't read Remembrance of Things Past and b) don't get all the references that are honestly everywhere. because people who've read it like to plant smirky code to people who have.

9. a person who worries they'll never have a leg up in any stable career

10. a person who worries they'll never "find themself"

11. a person who claims to have "found themself"

good fences make good...well, everythings.

2007-07-15T22:17:00.000-06:00

when you know you've overstepped the lines of your landlord/tenant relationship:
your landlord first takes you out on a date with his current (and hideous) girlfriend. your landlord then comes over and asks you a) what you thought of her and b) how you'd recommend breaking up with her. your landlord then asks if it's okay to write down questions and call you later if he needs help.

when you know you've been violated at work:
CEO brings in little dog named jerry. jerry brings his gigantic blue pillow over to your desk and begins humping it enthusiastically while staring at you. you turn your back... jerry starts whining. still humping. you have no choice but to bury yourself in work like never before, in order to avoid pervy, dog eye-contact.

when you know you've been harassed at a Macs:
chinese woman behind counter tells you it's already 10 days into the month and it's no use buying a public transit pass. you still want one. offer credit card. chinese woman looks at your credit card, looks at you, asks for ID. even after much attention is given to your passport, credit card, and face, she still digs in her heels and tells you how dissimilar your signature is.

when you know you've picked the wrong girlfriend:
you ask everyone you know how to break up with her decently. frankly, she has little more personality than jerry's pillow and isn't nearly as comfortable to hump.

door stress.

2007-07-11T18:31:00.000-06:00

something that never fails to give me the giggles?
the outside door in the office stairwell, marked in big red letters: "this door is alarmed".

something neither here nor there?

every day, the guy behind me sneezes twice. sometime around 8:45/9am. i guess it's his nose's way of starting the day off right. either way, i am prepared for it. not that i wish ill of his nose. just i turn my music down low on my headphones and keep him in my peripherals... so when he inevitably does sneeze, i am prepared to turn around and whisper "bless you!"

sensitivity training

2007-07-05T17:33:00.000-06:00

after so many episodes of the office, i completely expected training day to involve out-of-date work ethic videos. instead, it was a whole lot of people from critical mass talking over a powerpoint presentation. the single, bright-burning beacon of this experience was sexual harrassment and sensitivity training. and sure enough, it didn't disappoint.

sexual harassment role playing:

first off, i looked at the 4 parts girl, 1 parts guy audience and suggested the leader go find some young, supple IT guys for us to sexually harrass. for learnin'. following this, i asked if i should roll dice and claimed to be an uncomfortable compliment elf with a +2 in ogling.

scenario: myself and another female co-worker are engaged in hyper-slut gossip, ("i got it on with jim in his corolla--he looks great in his tight jeans with no underwear"--verbatim)

other girl- reading from lines: "have you seen mr. february on the beefcake calendar?"
me improving: "girl, i got that one laminated on my desk."

at this point, co-worker dave stands up and gives a weepy line about how we make the office an uncomfortable place to work.

me improving again: "here dave i laminated one for you too."

at the end, the HR leader asked what the moral of this scenario was. i offered up, "if you're going to bring porn to the office, you better have enough to share. also, we support dave's lifestyle."

racism:
all of these scenarios take place on a green. we are read a situation and have to figure out who was right, who was wrong, what should be done...

scenario: at a golf course, they rotate caddies. a golfer gets an african american caddie and is upset because, of course, he is racist and his caddie is black. when the caddie explains he is very good at what he does, the golfer shouts that he wants a white caddie.

HR:"what should the caddie do, and what should his manager do?"
me: "well... is the caddie packing heat?"
HR:"what?"
me: "you said he was black.sometimes they do that."
HR: "no he's not packing heat."
me: "is the manager black?"
HR: "no. but that doesn't matter"
me: "well maybe he just hired the caddie to stir shit up. it's marketing, any publicity is good publicity."

back up on our floor-
co-worker: "it's a good thing you're on the one floor where you're considered weird if you don't offend people."

me: "right. i've been meaning to tell you...you have a nice body. you don't even need to wear that control top pantyhose..."

how stampede offends my common sense

2007-07-05T14:41:00.000-06:00

i ask you, how appetizing does this sound: eating instant pancakes in a parking lot, off a downtown street, filled with exhaust. during the dusty, hottest, driest month of the year.

just give me the sexual harrassment tape and let me go...

2007-07-03T09:11:00.000-06:00

dear readers;

they have me scheduled for something called "buddy program". and i am noticing there's a big hour knocked in for "lunch with buddy". honestly, i think i'd rather be caught in a monkey-herpes downpour (when animals go bad II) than have "lunch with buddy".

there are also time blocks for "knowledge" (half an hour allotted); "5 D's workshop"(why doesn't the farmer drown the fox in the river?-- an hour); "respect works here (half an hour); and acronyms like "G.E.A.R– meeting etiquette".

pray for me.

k

guess who's a working girl? (i don't mean prostitute. )

2007-06-30T15:20:00.000-06:00

so i'm going to go ahead and say my first week as a copwriting intern (@ critical mass) was pretty nice–despite the fact i don't actually go through the company's ("critical") orientation program until this coming tuesday. that factor alone has made things interesting. a lot of learning kicked off by sentences such as:

"i have a phone number? ...could you tell me what it is?"

"i have a calendar in there?"

"...which button means 'yes'?"

(sometime weds evening...) "seriously? i'm supposed to be tracking my hours...?"

"...why are we making these people look good?"

it also led to me being chewed out by some overprotective security officers. i went in the front entrance (easier for me). they made me take out my company swipe-card to show them, then go back through the side door. they said it was the only way they would be able to tell if i was in the building. of course i said, "you mean besides my vibrant, actual presence?"... they are none too hot on me. but otherwise i haven't offended anyone.

also involved: learning 17 pages of dell acronyms.
here's a couple dirty ones.

AHT- average handle time
ASA- average speed of answer (hold time)
IFT- intimiated first timers (novice first-timers with high support requirements)
RR- regretful retailers (wish they'd bought a more powerful product)
TD- experts, consummate enthusiasts and advocates (consumer cluster)

a couple sad ones:
EOL- End of Life
AR- Abandonment Rate

acronym i want hanging over my head:
COC- center of competence

funniest things i have heard in my first five days

- the marketing term "gender agnostic" (usage: "that headline isn't gender agnostic enough.")

- "just hang in there, i know it's all unchartered waters." (hee. we don't have tickets for these waters.)

- "do you want a cancer shirt?"

i also, probably, am the single intern in the galaxy not fetching people coffee. is it weird that i would kind of like to be the girl who knows how everyone likes their coffee?

now who's that pretty lady in the neck brace?

2007-06-21T17:50:00.000-06:00

themes for kathleen's bachelorette party:

. handsy-capped:
pass out wheelchairs, eye patches, make casts out of plaster of paris, and surely we know people with some crutches...stripper will show sexy pity on each of us in turn, i am guessing.

. bunny-rabies:
let us just say it involves a stripper swathed in bunny fur, inappropriate growling, and plenty of alka seltzer tablets in the gift bags. you can paint in the remaining details.

. Oh!CD:
make impossibly organized demands on the stripper who will be head-to-toe in shrink wrap. we will of course spray ourselves with disinfectant every time he comes near and act out several sexy, silly compulsive disorders.

qualities i like/seek in a guy:

2007-06-21T14:58:00.000-06:00

preferred qualities:
. doesn't really believe in anything. not in the emo "life is empty and meaningless" way. just i feel however much someone believes in something is directly reflective of how much they need to believe in something (anything). i like'em as un-needy as possible.
. someone i can ignore for long bouts of time without complaint or them assuming something is wrong.
. a bookshelf that makes me want to mix my books with theirs and have a glorious library-marriage.
. could punch a girl under the right circumstances.
. doesn't come with a dog.
. appreciates how awesome dinosaurs are

likes:
jerks
naughtiness
racist jokes
pineapples
pancakes
bluegrass
chinchillas
savage love column
being poked
walking long distances
traveling to places that cross the line of what is unsanitary
smooching

dislikes:
theme t-shirts
the arcade fire
harry potter
ordering chicken
knick-knacks
tea
talking about feelings
holding hands everywhere (unless they are very tall and it provides some necessary towing service)

links & ads google feels are relevant to my interests

2007-06-13T17:01:00.000-06:00

from the siebar of my gmail account this morning:

"books written by black authors"
"hasselhoff t-shirts"
"up to 50% off Delta Queen (great rates on mississippi cruises)"
"books on breema"
"luxury honeymoon rentals next to hawaii volcanoes"
"dog proof trash cans"
"volcano lessons"

happy families devour unhappy babies: and other emotional headlines

2007-06-09T16:02:00.000-06:00

using the headline evaluator at advanced marketing institute's website (here) i mucked around with some phrases, words, etc, to try and see how appealing they were. their generator determines the EMV (Emotional Marketing Value) of your healine, based on the words and maybe some secret stuff they don't mention.

now, i think there's a few flaws. first of all, there's no way it measures word combinations and some words are more evocative when placed in relation to other words, than they would be all by their lonesome. also, it fails to recognize the measure of significance placed upon a single word. i think any headline that is one word (unless it is a gay word like "inveigle") has a little boost of significance.

100% = PERFECT SCORE

0% = NEUTRAL: "Your headline either has no words that invoke emotional impact with people person, or the percentage of such words is so low as to be unlikely to make any emotional impact."

random:
emotional families devour unhappy babies = 100%
people who are emotionally attached to their deceased pet chinchillas pray the hardest = 53%
prince of tides was worse than the raping = 12.50%

book titles:
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius = 33.33%
lullaby = 0%
to the wedding = 33.33%
and our faces my heart brief as photos = 37.50%
one hundred years of solitude = 40%
you shall know our velocity = 80%
lolita = 100%
love in the time of cholera = 16.67
the magus = 0%
another bullshit night in suck city = 16.67%
infinite jest = 0%
fight club = 0%
girl with curious hair = 25%
extremely loud and incredibly close = 40%
everything is illuminated = 66.67%
hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy = 33%

immature others:
poop = 100%
poopy = 0%
boobs = 100%
butt = 0%
i am picking my nose = 0%
i am picking your nose = 0%
stick it up your nose = 0%
slutty = 0%
not what a blowhole is for = 16.67%
yo mama = 50%
skank-ass ho = 0%
asshat = 0%
pee = 100%
dirty sanchez = 50%
the dirty sanchez = 33%
purple nurple = 0%
nipples = 0%
chest lumps = 0%
lovely lady lumps 66.67%
pee pee = 100%
i mean we would never pee on it = 50%
butt-pie = 0%
glen wirtle's shuttlecock = 0%
that's what she said = 20%
have you ever seen deliverance? = 40%
breasts = 0%
butts butts butts = 0%
emotional marketing is gay = 50%
gay = 0%
homo-erotic = 0%
i like my sex joyless and without sensation. it's my way of punishing the supermodels = 14.29%
the pope's cousin count pope-ula, a magical monster with pencils for arms = 16.67%
asian girls are embarrassed about their nipples = 14.29%

offensive:
let's do mean things to black people because they are black = 54.55%
let's pretend everyone who is hispanic loves burritos = 50%
savages are exciting = 33.33%
baby savages are excitinger = 50%

additional summer activities that i can get behind

2007-06-08T15:34:00.000-06:00

whaling

whether you're harpooning whales, going after sharks with knives, or clubbing dolphins for a bit of tuna: you're bound to enjoy yourself. it's one of the ballsier water sports. hunting is awesome. the ocean is awesome. and dolphins are gay. all in all, it's an equation for summer excellence.

reclaim wildlife from dorks

break some rules with animals, here. days of being content with petting zoos and tapping on glass tanks in pet stores are over. the sun has set on that era in my life, and i'm ready to push some boundaries. i advise sneaking food into the zoo and feeding some cute animals. people who work at the zoo are all khaki-clad dorks and dorks will naturally feed them dorky animal food–as is their dorky wont. by tossing some marmosets chocolate covered peanuts, in a way, you're saving them...from dork food. why should the dorks be the only ones allowed to engage with nature? outside the zoo you can do whatever you want to big-horned sheep, afterall. friends, those walls are not keeping the animals in–they are keeping us out (unless you're in jurassic park. then the walls are actually keeping the animals in).

also, you can go to the park and play with other people's dogs or go out in your alley and make friends with all the kitties (i advise sticking to the non-rabid ones). if you already have a dog, maybe let it loose during 'yoga in the park' mornings.

newspaper magic

for about a dollar, you can get an insane amount of newspaper. roughly around 12' x 21', or 252 square feet in the average paper.(how much is inside newspaper?) you can either break out some duct tape, some water and flour, elmers glue or snatch up some twigs... all of a sudden you've potential to make crass paper mache sculptures, forts, or instant shade from the sun. after getting drunk and sunburned in the park this summer, i really appreciate the ability to construct your own sanctuary from the sun. keep in mind, though, sun is still good for you and prevents cancer (according to the globe & mail an nytimes, vitamin D can reduce the risk of cancer up to 60%)

burning man

no, i'm totally kidding. don't go to burning man.

summer guide 2007

2007-06-07T14:25:00.000-06:00

THINGS YOU & I CAN ENJOY DOING
(not necessarily together.)

indoors
. watching bob ross's joy of painting online

if you don't feel like investing in a whole dvd of bob ross, you can employ youtube, dailymotion, or a number of other sites exploiting television shows online. want a handout? winter raging sea)

. make popsicles

you can purchase popsicle molds for about 2 bucks, anywhere. i got mine from IKEA.)

. ice cream

instead of hitting up a vendor or ice cream shop, maybe try going to some vietnamese place. chances are you'll get fried bananas with it, and that's pretty awesome.

. renting

rhianna and i've been enjoying the highlights of season 3 and 4 of the X-files. i can't recommend them enough. right amount of cheesy/creepy.

outdoors
. get your "b-ball on"

now, i know what you're thinking: "but kaylen, i hate sports!" or, "i hate basketball!" or, "i hate sweating." or, "just thinking about basketball awakens the latent desire to skip mandatory pep rallies, even though i've been out of highschool for nearly a decade." i know your worries, but trust me: it can be fun. and the more you aren't a basketball player, the more fun it is. grab a basketball from a small child, or just invest twenty bucks (cheaper than two movie tickets) at a local sports shop. go to urbandictionary.com and pick up some good b-ball slang. plunder the court by yourself, or play with other friends. extra points for awesome sweat bands.

. climb trees

one, it's undeniably fun; two, it'll give you a new, high-up perspective; three, you'll be a well oiled machine if anyone loses their kitty up a tree.

. recline on the hood of a car

you can: read a book; tan; or just enjoy the clouds and eat some cheap ice-pops.

. recycle

take all those fire-pit beer cans etc and give them back to jesus.

. fire hydrants

you've seen people playing in improv sprinklers made from fire hydrants in everything from music videos to photographs. no one should live a whole lifetime without having busted one of those bad boys and released the joy.

THINGS THAT ARE GAY:
jupiter
yellow peppers
those pear/apple fruits
astronauts (it even has 'butt' in the name)
NASA in general
chicken salad
jazz
the word, "inveigle"

hungry like which wolf?

2007-06-06T15:13:00.000-06:00

. the one that feels mildly peckish
. the little one in the back that only gets to gnaw on the leftovers now and then is in fact, starving.
. the one that just ate and couldn't possibly
. the wolf that could eat if you're hungry
. the wolf that has spoiled its appetite on complimentary bread and butter
. the wolf that isn't feeling hungry now, but is sure once it starts eating its appetite will come back
. the wolf with a case of "the munchies"
. the pregnant wolf
. the wolf that only eats kosher
. the wolf with an eating disorder
. the diabetic wolf
. the wolf whose appetite was ruined by inappropriate table conversation

if you can do anything half this cool, i will give you my hand in marriage.

2007-06-06T15:06:00.000-06:00

random word + "poem" search results

2007-06-06T00:19:00.000-06:00

poem + chinchilla:

IN MEMORY OF LOST FURRY FRIENDS
Tiny paws reach for me in my dreams
as you did in life
taking my heart in your small fingers
in the brief time allotted to you.

I feel your whiskers on my cheek,
hear your diminutive chirrup in my ear
near the shoulder that
you loved to snuggle on.

I reach to touch the ethereal,
velvety softness that was you
but grasp only heartache
and hard reality.

I am disconcerted that something
so little and fragile
should leave such a large hole
and such a powerful ache.

I find myself weeping for
joy never to be shared,
baby kisses lost to the wind and
the missing piece of my heart.

These you take with you
along with my love.

What might have been....
difficult words oft spoken
in fading whispers
with a sigh.

poem + broccoli:

BROCCOLI AND CAULIFLOWER
by
Gregory K.

Broccoli and cauliflower
Are vegetables cruciferous,
But any way you serve them up,
They'll make me stay carnivorous.

(excerpt from) Broccoli Stalk Eater

There are things that I want to thank you for
But I fear that verbal communication has broken down.
I’ll write it on a piece of paper––”Thank you for eating the broccoli stalks
Because you know that I only like the flowers”––that’s lying around.

attending a last minute theme party with rhianna

2007-06-03T21:49:00.000-06:00

involves:
. dressing up in a whore/pirate costume while already intoxicated
. immediately kind of regretting it around hoodlums, rough neighbourhoods and the liquor store parking lot.
. pretending to enjoy stories told by raging theatre/actor geeks
. finding conversation with a newly-ordained minister
. rhianna and i fantasizing about dropping our wine glasses over the 28th floor balcony
. actually dropping: broccoli, almonds, a poker chip, ruffles potato chips from a bag specifically taken from the host's kitchen for such a purpose.
. convincing other people they really do want to drop chips on things too
. exploring rooms and closets for people who're making out
. getting kicked out of one of the rooms by a concerned (nosy) citizen
. pointing out flaws in costumes (guy wearing what appeared to be a "pirate skirt" fashioned out of black cloth with white stick-figure kid riding a bicycle print)
. me, getting pulled around by my bra like it was the reins on a spring filly
. me, getting squished against the wall by the "pony trainer". not in a sexy way, either. ...at least not to me it wasn't.
. avoiding falling into an actual pool of water consuming half of the livingroom
. walking to the car amidst crushed potato chips
. waking up not remembering why people said i was awesome: just that they did. thanks for that, strangers.
. waking up remembering why i really shouldn't a) drink mystery pirate "grog" in a purple fountain b) pad such a drink with additional vodka (a lot of vodka)

HOLES : the advanced technology behind

2007-05-27T14:33:00.000-06:00

. tylenol fast relief
. breathable textiles
. nails
. power outlets
. coffee filters
. the o-zone
. buttons
. shoe/shoelace relationships
. faucets
. shower heads
. speakers
. sleeves
. windows
. spaghetti strainers
. spaghetti makers
. ears
. bellybuttons
. whales
. american apparel mesh panties
. crocs (the shoes)
. episodes of lassie

----

also, a side-note to south korea:

dear south korea;
...are we compensating for something?
sincerely, myself

that arcade fire has gone out.

2007-05-26T19:43:00.000-06:00

me: "he thinks my music is pretentious and obscure."
rhianna: "please. could you be more pretentious than saying you like the arcade fire?"

it's true. "i like the arcade fire" has become the trigger that lets us know whoever we're talking to knows next to nothing about music and shouldn't really be pursued beyond light-topic conversation.

"oh, the arcade fire, huh... nice weather we're having. lots of cloud coverage. yeah. "

they have one or two decent songs under their belts. otherwise, they are shoddy sails full of their own wind. boats afloat on the current created by people who listen to disinteresting music and think a band with 7+ members and a sack-load of gimmicks are "immense". like there aren't those by the dozen. seriously. only pitchforkmedia blowholes still want to get down on their knees before the band and give them a good 'job.

they're just not that good. why are they so gigantic? because arcade fire is pretension. pretension with instruments. 200yr old organs, seriously? it's like that "to kill a mockingbird" book. it's an obligation to keep them up on the list.

there are more interesting bands. more interesting songs. better bands. better songs. better performers. if you are one of those people who thinks the arcade fire is the best thing out there: dear, sweet lord... get off your ass and listen to better music.

it's possibly the most pretentious band out there. even broken social scene isn't that bad. their performances certainly aren't that pretentious... despite the "read this and this" lecture beforehand, they're very generous and i only really enjoy BSS in concert. in-doors, otherwise you lose the reverb... i digress.
and don't take my word for it.

in response to a SNL performance (less well-received than expected by performers..):

"perhaps the audience's response was the way it was because they were expecting a good band and what they got was a pretentious, self-important indie rock fusion of U2 and Big Country, with little or no hooks. I don't get what you people like about this stuff. It's dull, uninteresting and....did I say dull?

Trust me when I say that in five years Arcade Fire will be what The Gin Blossoms are to this generation. One hit wonders relegated to the $1 bin.

Argue all you want. I'm right."

"what is up with win smashing his guitar. it looks so forced and stupid. he did it when I saw them in central park summerstage a few years back. LAME"

"they're dull. and what's with the amish look? this band is overrated to say the least. there's so many better bands out there and everyone's raving about some pretentious indie band smashing acoustic guitars."

"The band got the response they deserved, they're a boring overrated band with a singer who can't sing. I know it's really cool to pretend that all the indie kids are so much smarter and know what bands are really cool and ahead of their time, and you're a dumbass if you don't "get it" like they do...but sometimes they make mistakes. Latching on to Arcade Fire as the second coming is one of them. TV on the Radio is another. Do I need to keep going?"

"I liked the Arcade Fire on SNL performance-wise, but their songwriting is a somwehat lacking this time around(am I crazy or does some of it have a heavy Springsteen vibe?) That's why they need a bunch of superfluous instrumentation - to hide average songs played by a rock band lacking in instrumental style."

what i didn't miss at acad. (real footage, folks)

2007-05-25T01:17:00.000-06:00

yeah... did i call that or what?

even though i screwed up my back, i think yoga, a compulsively bought basketball, coffee, a chat with weird ad guy, and a nice two hour walk home through the wealthy culdesacs of the SW were more than an okay way to spend my grad day. rather than in polyester, watching some dragon vomit lettuce on me...

also, i wasn't hungover the next day. but i did get muscle relaxers.

weirdest song title encountered in ....well, awhile.

2007-05-24T15:59:00.000-06:00

so a post-dinner coffee craving left me bright-eyed and fidgety around the wee-er hours of the morning. "i have that huge toolbar of links for something", i reminded myself, and bummed around on the music blogs i frequent all too infrequently these days. somewhere in all this mess, i ran across an album which harbors the oddest song title i can remember reading in... well, it's been awhile. maybe since the Aquabats days.

album: Weird Nightmares - Meditations on Mingus

background: On this installment of Hal Willner's series of tribute albums, Willner assembled a house band for his guests (including Keith Richards, Chuck D, Elvis Costello, Bill Frisell, Vernon Reid, Charlie Watts, Gary Lucas, Leonard Cohen, and Henry Rollins) to sit in with. Weird Nightmares - Meditations on Mingus is predictably uneven and wildly entertaining; it is a fitting tribute to the genius of Charles Mingus.

track 15: "The Shoes of the Fisherman's Wife Are Some Jive Ass Slippers"

beat that.

things in our apartment that we say with scare quotes.

2007-05-21T10:45:00.001-06:00

. "fireplace"
. "landlord"
. "washing" machine
. "drier"
. window "screens"
. fire "escape"
. "closets"

what it takes to be the least enthused person in your graduating class

2007-05-20T18:17:00.000-06:00

1. submit nothing to grad show
2. submit nothing to your graduating major's portfolio cd
3. don't show up to grad show
4. only briefly dash back into school for a book you left on your desk ad required papers for work permit (also chat with computer tech/cat-guy about how gay your school is)
5. don't show up to convocation
6. don't show up to post-convocation parties
7. don't have pictures of anyone graduating
8. have seriously lazy second-thoughts about calling the school and telling them your new address, so they can actually mail you your certificate of graduation
9. have no family, friends, or loved ones send you crap*

* regretting that one. i could damn sure use a blender...

points made in sharkwater

2007-05-13T19:15:00.000-06:00

1. cuddling sharks while only wearing sea-panties and flippers is cool and totally feasible.
2. sharks are important for the ecosystem.
3. people don't like sharks and that's sad.
4. asian people are savages
5. sharks are important for the ecosystem.
6. environmentalists are quitters. (the shark poachers wouldn't come with us to land so we tried stalling their engines with hoses. failing that, we fled to shore. on shore the authorities took us to court for murder. so we ran to the galapagos. where long-line fishing was legalized. so we went home. but when we got back costa rica was upset about finning industries so we felt good about ourselves again.)
7. sharks are important for the ecosystem.
8. sharks are important for the ecosystem.
9. don't have sharkfin soup at your wedding.
10. sharks don't have whiskers and that's sad.
11. sharks are important for the ecosystem.
12. even if you wind up keeping your leg, you can still say things like, "little did i know i'd lose a leg."
13. sharks really are important to the ecosystem.

things i have learned from this moving experience

2007-05-10T22:34:00.000-06:00

every time i move, there's a ridiculous spectrum of lessons. easy lessons, and very pricey lessons. this move was mostly just the latter.

pricey lessons:
. paint colour lesson:"fawn taupe" = "moldy pink" (price of about $60 to re-paint + exhaustion on top of it)

. sanitary lesson: single men do not scrub tiles (price of an upper arm muscle and two knuckles)

. pilates balls take actual air pumps to inflate (price of sore cheeks and some mild dizziness)

inexpensive lessons:
. squirrels love eating window screens (price of a couple hours of sleep this morning and a squirt or three of vinegar)

. squirrels hate being squirted with vinegar (received intense gratification and some angry chittering)

the gayest thing i've ever read (even in a myspace bulletin)

2007-04-24T17:36:00.000-06:00

+ appropriate commentary

Every girl dreams that one day she will find a guy that does these things for her. even the smallest action can have the BIGGEST impact in someones life.

• give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in. (germs)
• leave her cute text notes. (i would never date a guy who text messages)
• kiss her in front of your friends. (what kind of exhibitionist jerk are you? friends don't want to see that.)
• tell her she looks beautiful. (and make that sound less fake)
• look into her eyes when you talk to her. (but blink. that's how we know you're human.)
• let her mess with your hair. (i don't like touching people's hair.)
• touch her hair. (i like other people touching my hair even less.)
• just walk around with her. (maybe the only thing on this list i like.)
• FORGIVE her for her MISTAKES. (i don't make mistakes in caps.)
• look at her like she's the only girl you see. (oh, why bother. we all know there are other pretty ladies out there.)
• tickle her even when she says stop. (but settle on a 'safety word'.)
• hold her hand when you're around your friends. (jerks. plus, hand-holding is muggy.)
• when she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her. (way to ensure you get yelled at twice as much)
• let her fall asleep in your arms. (too muggy. i like to explore a variety of sleep position options before picking one. being held doesn't really allow for that.)
• get her mad, then kiss her. (repeat other cliche scenes)
• stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything. (oh the romantic hiss of empty space... gay)
• tease her and let her tease you back. (why am i imagining two obnoxious people sitting together on the sofa with peacock feathers...)
• stay up all night with her when she's sick. (so then we can both be sick. oh, hooray.)
• watch her favorite movie with her. (okay. yeah, i'll make you do that. but it's Muppet Treasure Island.)
• kiss her forehead. (i guess.)
• give her the world. (too heavy)
• let her wear your clothes. (too big and unflattering)
• when she's sad, hang out with her.
• let her know she's important. (name on a plaque every month)
• kiss her in the pouring rain. (too slippery.)
• when you fall in love with her, tell her. (unless it's late at night. that stuff can wait.)
• and when you tell her, love her like you've never loved someone before. (amnesia tests to be performed immediately.)

guys repost as : i'd do this for my girl.
girls repost as : a perfect boyfriend
if you don`t repost this in four minutes you will lose the one you love.

if you do repost this in four minutes the one you love will :
call you
kiss you
love you

(gay)

best of show & sale spring 2007

2007-04-21T21:27:00.000-06:00

if you thought the winter show & sale was great, just wait until you see the harvest reaped this spring. all the artists have had another term to grow brave and pursue other lame, untalented interests. you'll see glitter, you'll see hats, you'll see things only art students see in their souls (after copious amounts of mushrooms). enjoy the highlights (though i ran out of room on my camera for cheetahs wearing red parade hats). "poodles with hats" is mine. do let me know yours.

ants on colourful background

ugly uterus-monster in clouds

some sculpture titled "fish?"

ethnic people!

ugly tulips

wolf and fence

some cop and illegal immigrant climbing a fence

flying frog

someone used glitter. hooray!

poodles with hats- are they magicians? or are they going to a birthday party? you decide.

sharks

skeleton rock stars

who knows. he doesn't look well, though.

splotchy art

don't worry if these get snatched up–there's a whole pile of them.

and then there are the pieces that make the splotchy ones look like they were efforts

and someone who laminated a page from their sketch book

and here's some glimpses at the stairs of hideous

boys with dogs

2007-04-13T00:42:00.000-06:00

so our computer tech had an odd amount of print-outs on his desk of cats. i usually go in there and chat with him when i'm bored, so amidst our usual light conversation i inquired about the kitty prints. yeah, he's a cat man. i find this reassuring in a guy. sandra disagrees, and so does some woman on some blog so bad i forgot about it...

myth: find a man with a dog–he knows how to treat a woman!

possibly the worst advice ever. let's break it down... there's a scale at work here. there are the guys who have dogs in place of women, or have dogs that reflect the sort of women they like. there are guys who have dogs in place of their own manhood. there are guys who really need a hobby to make themselves more interesting, well-rounded, and fill up their time, but instead they get a dog.

first type: guys who have dogs in place of ladies. most usually, they have blandest dogs on the breed spectrum (labradors and the stupid blondes that are golden retrievers). they give them names like "lady", "terry", and "tara". beware this man. harmless for the most part, but he's locked into some weird loyalty issues, and probably likes running around with frisbees way more than you want.

second type: guys who have dogs in place of their manhood. this is either a scary, or sad type of guy. there's nothing really to say about it other than they usually adopt from pounds, have mutts or more meaty breeds like rotweilers. it begins on pleasant intentions. they probably grew up with a palsy relationship with dogs. dogs named 'buddy' and etc. these guys will never think you are as fun as their dogs, and they will either not understand you do not like their dog as much as they do, or they will just assume you do and i'm not sure which is worse...

third type: guys who have been single longer than they want to admit, and their internal daddy clock starts ticking. they get a dog, almost impersonating the childhood boy and dog friendship, but with the alterior motive of using the dog to get out more. to have something interesting to talk about, or relate to people... this can lead to scary levels of man & dog photos in his wallet. it will never make a man as interesting as a good library of books will. oh, but before i forget? if it's a doberman, don't be confused, he's actually a rare breed who has become bored with his elite hobbies and moved on to animal training. it was a toss up between hawks and dobermans. those guys are kinda hot but probably too anal retentive. if there's such a thing.

no, a cat guy is a nice balance because cats don't require the same taking care of as dogs. there's no daddy complex at work, no girlfriend complex... cat's kind of just hang out. there's no getting around it: if you like a cat, it has to be for its personality. but maybe printing out pictures of them is pushing it...

i heart acad

2007-04-11T17:01:00.000-06:00

works of former acad graduate, albert slark:

and if that's not enough to make you fall in love with acad: apparently graduates and convocation attendees will be delighted by exotic dragon dancers--and graduates will have to follow this chinese dragon out of the auditorium.

am i going? heck no. i'm not followin' no dragon. i'm not even asian. anyone up for getting sloshed afternoon of may 15th?

vegans, step off our solstice.

2007-04-09T15:47:00.000-06:00

yesterday some brave neighbour of ours was out on the balcony, making premature use of his grill. grilling with his mittens on. all i could think was, "god bless you, omnivore-man". yes, god bless you and your meat-cravings. jesus put animals on this earth for one reason, and one reason only–to fill our bellies with bloody, delicious food.

vegans? hold up that drumming circle. spring is not about the moon or flowers or uteruses. it's about finding that big bull named Zeus and turning him into steak. we made it through another winter of drinking melted snow and stabbing fish out of the ice. time to sit in trees with arrows and knives big as the elephant we're about to take down. just ask the gods! that's what they want. why would jesus make so many different BBQ sauces, if he didn't want you to apply it to his creatures?

you have no business celebrating the solstice if you don't like grilling slabs of animal-flesh and covering them in ketchup before engaging in a devouring fest so sloppy you need bibs down to your ankles. meat's the reason for the season, dudes.

i think it's time for a dose of honesty. vegans, we only tolerate you people because you're thin. no one wants to be reminded at every single meal that someone has "food morals". food morals are gay as sin. it's like bragging that you are so pampered by modern conditions, you can live off of that space-age material we call "tofu" and "vitamins". well, just remember who got you here. the meat-eaters. the big, muscley elephant-hunters. you should bow down in our presence and take a bite of veal. you'll like it, trust me.

so, all you people on the right track, i salute you for firing up your grills and not meditating in pink hammocks like this guy.

okay, so actually he's kind of beautiful and clever... we're just hoping he likes beef.

2 things we need for our apartment

2007-04-05T11:25:00.000-06:00

pop quiz

2007-04-01T01:12:00.000-06:00

is she:
a) uncomfortable princess
b) bride with severe allergies
c) getting married in a hamster exercise ball for people
d) exactly what kathleen should be doing for her wedding. (seriously, we could have white horses pull the ball/carriage up the aisle, and for a grand exit, silver dolphins could tug kathleen & peter across the ocean)

my new hobby

2007-03-30T20:53:00.000-06:00

jdate.com - the jewish singles network.

i think i saw it on family guy, and just went there out of boredom. i didn't expect to find it was a real place- lo and behold, it was and now i am listed as "willing to convert". little do they know i really mean

willing to convert:
fractions into decimals
oxygen into carbon dioxide
wine into sex
water into urine
gay into bi
money into goods and services
fahrenheit to celsius (with the help of the internet)
jews into atheists

also, after finding out i am probably some high-functioning girl with aperger's syndrome, i was contemplating a singles' network for people with the same syndrome- covering the whole spectrum.

profile questions include
what are you here for: 'someone to take care of me long-term', 'one-night organization party', 'just talking- don't touch me!', 'i want to put things up your nose'.

what kind of music do you listen to: 'classical', 'none'

what is your favorite color?
what colors should your date avoid wearing?

and all the questions explain exactly what to do. ex- "if it is orange, hover your mouse and click over the box in front of 'orange' to the left of the screen right beside this question before moving on to the next one. if your colour to avoid is 'red'...."

blog death

2007-03-30T13:40:00.000-06:00

roots in the term "bed death". something that happens to the hottest of homos, in droves. in a relationship that doesn't have any end-point, or obvious expiration date, it's difficult to keep laying out the track week after week in the same direction. sure, moods change. whims change. and some weeks, fuckall happens. sometimes too many interesting things happen, and the things are so busy happening i don't wind up writing anything until all i've got is: "so...i woke up bored and wondered why my roommate always sets his stuff on the right sideof the sink and moves mine to the left...why the left? maybe i would like the right for a change."

that is something temporary. everyone who has a blog has brief-to-month-long bursts of blog-ennui, blog-related guilt, or cyclic "i am writing crap out of guilt, and it's horrible, and my hate/shame drives me even further from wanting to write-so i put it off until i write another guilt-piece" moods. i am in the latter, right now.

in a forum/relationship (if blogs are actually relationships...) that just has no forseeable end, how do you keep doing it? and...should you? should specialty blogs roll with the punches, go through name changes, get reassignment surgery, or should they be ended, closed, and left in some archived form for posterity?

in the instance of 'girl with a one-track mind', whose mind has been anything but one-track since she was outed: should she keep on adding posts that conflict with her blog title/established identity? or should she end the blog, and start writing elsewhere? (please not the newyorker). how long can people stay interested in her charity efforts? people came there for sex, stayed for sex, and either have found something else to enjoy, or they're just running on the fumes...or they've left. because it's not like they suddenly stop wanting what they came for originally.

i find it refreshing to carry on several blogs- i get tired of one, i can write about something different in another forum...but then i could easily wind up with ten blogs and that's spreading yourself a bit thin...

if i had the energy for it lately, i'd probably open an ad blog (and get eaten alive), a music blog, and a fake 'girls don't like sex' blog.

question & answer

2007-03-30T00:57:00.000-06:00

Q:"hey, you're in the know. is zach condon the new jeff mangum with less crazy?"

A: i'm glad you asked that. glad to stop that crazy train of thought before it reaches any large cities. no, i do not think zach condon is the new jeff mangum, but i can see how a person would off-handedly think so. sure, they both are acquired tastes and appeal only to a limited fan-base. however, that's about as far as it goes. zach condon is not only "less crazy", he is younger (suppler) and deeply sonorous on levels that rely on stylistic preference more than stylistic tolerance (and/or an appreciation of disharmony) to enjoy. besides being a one-man band, playing every instrument under than sun (as opposed to jeff and his acoustic-y guitar), zach could not express more apathy to his lyrics if he tried. we all know jeff & his lyrics. moving on. if you were looking for a new jeff mangum in the crowd, i can't think of anyone more blisteringly reliant on odd-music taste than swan lake & sunset rubdown vocalist spencer krug (also of wolf parade.... but who am i kidding, y'all know this.)

Q: "why are all the bees dying?"

A: you're refering to the "colony collapse disorder", no doubt. for those of you who don't know...folks, expect to pull out some extra cash for honey, because this year all the bees are deciding to meet their maker. dropping dead all over the country. i am guessing this means american and canadians bees both. you'd think we'd beat you by a couple months at least...but my guess is, it is the second coming. you know how pigeons react fractions of seconds earlier to loud noises etc, than people? it's like that only with bees and maybe a year before the magical heaven-monster descends to claim us. hug us to his man-bosom. yeah, you heard it here first. other less spiritual scientists have come to the conclusion that it is, in fact.....your mother.

oh snap, i went there.

ps:

curse of craigslist

2007-03-29T10:19:00.000-06:00

it's not like i am a lady of many wants, but one peek through the craigslist FREE board and i am pumped full of glut. what for? mostly bunnies and fish.

. lop earned bunny with all the bunny-business.
. deep freezer (to keep delicious bacon, bagels and popsicles in)
. fish tank with tropical fishes
. weird goldfishes that need a 20gallon tank
. 20gallon tank that's actually to be used for reptiles

and then there are things that perk my curiosity to the point i'd call just to releive it. like "FREE METAL (call me and i will describe it to you)". i would love to call shaun and have him describe his metal to me. i truly would.

sunshine

2007-03-26T15:20:00.000-06:00

things that lead me to believe this movie will be one quick-burning ball of gas:
"'it’s about how the crew react under the enormous pressure of their endeavor to save mankind.'"

yeah, that's an original premise.

"'Traveling to the Sun is great visually, but also very interesting psychologically,' he explains. 'We wanted to make the film as psychological a journey as possible.'"

oh a psychological journey on top of that... dude, it's like old mayonnaise on old ham. an old condiment just doesn't improve an old slice of meat. add them together, they just become more unappetizing.

being honest here: psychological journies only maintain interest so long. we have to care about the cast in order to care about their 'psychological journey' and even then, they've got to be balanced by very tangible things. are pretty space footage and explosions enough? i'm hoping so, because otherwise i'm guessing it's a nap-o-rama. we all thought taking psychology our freshmen year was cool. well, it wasn't.

so the cast:
actors? too pretty. too serious. their grave personnas just make me want to stick things up their noses. it's like the back-up cast for Grey's Anatomy or some gap commercial... despite the fact they were plucked from different cultures, they form one monotonous, pretty blob.

a movie that did manage to balance psychological journey with visual interest? science of sleep. good movie. texture-y and layered and full of the luscious male lead. who is allowed to be pretty because a) he sticks out like a sore thumb in the pointedly less-pretty cast. b) each character has very vivid points of character development. two seconds of a person from the office, and we have a rounded, extensive history in our little heads. c) we are not supposed to take him seriously. he is neurotic and silly and scattered.

keeping in mind, his psychological journey is one that isn't pointed out from the beginning, and it's a specific, rare condition. it's not "here's a cast! now see what happens when we apply pressure."

the filmmakers:
in their history? 28 Days Later. yikes.

i watched maybe five seconds of the trailor. went back and watched the rest just a couple minutes ago. sigh. i was ready to turn away right from the moment when the one shapelessly-pretty girl faces a mirror and her voice draws heavily, "are you scared?–...i am."

i hope the mission fails, honestly. that's not an original concept, but at least it's not so rank with former space-mission movie stink.

ps: suns are gay.

the hideous world of banjos online:

2007-03-25T16:17:00.000-06:00

ezbanjo.com
says i could be like this:

oh boy.

some available songs:

Ah Spring
Alice's Waltz
Big Sandy River
Bean Blossom
Boogie Du Jour
Doug's Tune
Skippy the Bush Kangaroo (kangaroo? traditional bluegrass, my hiney.)
Plastic Banana

UPDATE:

looking for music online, here was a little synopsis of a banjo book...

"it includes everything you need to know to start playing banjo, including: a history of the 5-string banjo, getting acquainted with the banjo, Scruggs tuners, how to read music, chords, how to read tablature, right-hand rolls and left-hand techniques, banjo tunings, exercises in picking, over 40 songs, how to build a banjo, autobiographical notes, and much more!"

how to build a banjo? seriously?

movie title that sucks.

2007-03-24T13:41:00.000-06:00

reign over me
what a gay 9/11 movie. it's like they sat around picking mood-board words and plugged in characters. "something heartwarming, sad, but with men...ethnic men! and...and 9/11." or maybe their words were just "gay with adam sandler crying". seriously. reign over me? why don't they just call it "black man pees on white man in a sexual way"...

it was bound to happen...

2007-03-23T23:57:00.000-06:00

i have reached the end of my 'banjo primer' dvd.

still, i know maybe two things that could pass for songs. why does rhianna get all the fun tabs? maybe because she pays more. but either way, i would like to learn something less 'plink-a-plink-a-plink-a-chord!'

so searching for bluegrass banjo tabs online, here are some of my options. who the hell writes songs like this?

. big bug
. big sandy (yeek!)
. big ball in boston

O, Vacancy...

2007-03-23T23:25:00.000-06:00

so after an early banjo jam and coffee, rhianna and i packed into her car, plugged in a cd by the format and plunged into the south/southwest neighbourhoods to look for apartments. for some reason, the only real way to find listings these days, is just to do it on foot/drive. since it was nice out, we parked the car and set off on foot.

but what started out as an enthusiastic venture, soon took a nasty dive into exhausted, borderline depression and crankiness. i can't help but feel like the whole business of looking for apartments in this city has been jiggered to let us down and leave us crabby and embittered.

of course, there's the fact rent has skyrocketed. that's okay. we expect that. but it is also difficult looking through the mixed messages employed by apartment managers. .. example?

"FOR RENT / 1 & 2 bedroom apartments! - no vacancy"
"RENT NOW - spacious apartments and suits! no vacancy"
and the delightful, "O VACANCY" (obviously the "n" had worn off, but we continued to be amused by the phrase...)

also, we had to lie about our employment statuses and make painful/hilarious jokes about being jobless to one another. wince. and tried to focus on what big lies we would tell apartment managers in place of the pathetic truths or realistic-ish-truths. my favourite was a scenario where rhianna and i were in business together making cakes. i made the cake and she decorated them. precious, huh? you bet.

sigh. but by the end of the day we were just tired and more judgmental than usual. cranky. and it didn't help that rhianna had a veggie burger from the ship & anchor that worked the magic digestive equivalent of old sea-meat left out in the sun for a couple weeks. "in calcutta. in a bucket of tapeworms and tetse flies" (rhianna).

conclusion? looking for apartments is only uplifting in situations where you're not intentionally set up for disappointment.

the only silver lining is a thin trail leading to a rental inquiries number (maybe?) for a gigantic building we would describe as an old hermit crab shell and some cute little college-studenty building caled "the harvard" which struck a cute little chord in both our hearts.

otherwise instead of her moving out of her parents' house... i will be moving in too. we can live in the pool house. that her parents should build.